Thursday, February 26, 2009

Just Keep Moving

Whenever I find myself stressing out I know I must keep moving forward otherwise the gravity of the events will undoubtedly crush me. It’s not easy nor does it come naturally but it’s a process that I must authentically engage in with positive power and enthusiasm so when I slip back (and I do) my backwards slide does not carry me too far. My momentum currently is rather strong and this frightens me. I can not be wooed by the temp job and the promise of two full time job interviews because I know nothing is certain. I am taking it all with a grain of salt with optimistic rose colored glasses securely gaff taped to my face to ward off the every gray cloud of self doubt and paralyzing pessimism.

My temp gig is not as fun as expected. I’m basically creating a master list of movies from mounds of data. The people are cool, the guys are cute, and I can see the Statue of Liberty from my desk – these are all good things. Now for the odd things:

· They do not stock ANY drinking vessels, disposable or washable. I found it impossible to utilize the water coolers or the coffee carafes. I did ask a woman in the kitchen if there were any cups in the joint and she pointed to a mug in the sink that was emblazoned with brown rings of coffee stains and pink lipstick encrusted on the rim. I declined the generous offer.

· My desk felt like the tables at Friendly’s – sticky. The whole thing was sticky. It was even sticky UNDER the keyboard. My monitor looked as if somebody smeared it with a stick of butter and my keyboard appeared to be on the loosing end of a street fight with a dustbuster. I asked around for some cleaning supplies and was greeted with questioning looks and blank stares. I think I am now “that germ freak temp".

Tomorrow I have an interview for a Personal Assistant job which I would LOVE to get. I’ve always known I would make a fantastic PA and this gig sounds like it would be perfect. In addition Scooter gave me a heads up on an Office Manager position and now that company wants to phone interview me. Oh AND I wore my newly (self) repaired boots all day and my heal remained intact!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Crap heap of Crap

Things got worse at Hydra very quickly and long story short I spent my Wednesday at home today emailing my resume and making plans for my temp gig tomorrow. I am back on the skids again. No job and no health benefits (goodbye Dr. Pico). Fortunately being laid off from an employment firm does have its perks, I am now candidate numero uno and the recruiters have been rather attentive. However I am not fooling myself, I know how easy it is for them to move on and forget about me (they have a very short attention span) so I am spreading out my eggs in several baskets and I am definitely not counting my unhatched fowl.

The upside to my unemployment status is of course the abundance of bloggery that will ensue. I am scheduled to start a new temp gig tomorrow which I think will consist of watching TV and writing brief descriptions of the programming. The pay is awfully low but I’m watching TV right now on my couch while writing this and nobody is paying me anything….so I guess any increase in income no mater how nominal would surpass my current condition.

I also applied for a part time Off Broadway BlogMaster position. The job entails attending Off Broadway productions (on the company’s dime) and blogging about them. What could be better than that? Well maybe watching TV and writing blurbs…hmmm that sounds familiar.

In other updates since I was home today and feeling proactive I took Scooter’s advice and attempted to repair my broken boot heal (see past blog below). After reading my blog last week Scooter reamed me for passively acquiescing to the tragic fate of my Italian footwear by not even TRYING to practice home cobbling. He continued to express his disappointment by demanding that I not forget my expert theatrical props skills and asserted that not only did I possess the tools to fix my heal but I also had the proficiency. I will keep you updated on the outcome of my craftywork after I take my boot for a test drive down my four flights of stairs.

Lastly I should mention that being laid off on Pancake Day was truly one of the most heartless actions ever employed by an employer. Couldn’t they wait until after the holiday? Good thing I don’t have kids, they would have been devastated. I will always remember Pancake Day 2009 as the day Hydra’s NYC head was severed. HYDRA!!!! (that one is for you Scooter).

Nanner-puss loves pancakes

Friday, February 20, 2009


The tourniquet I tied so tightly around my gushing aorta of fiscal decline has begun to loosen thus leading me once again towards the dire straits of financial ruin. Yep Hydra has informed me that I am the next victim of the tanking economy by awarding me with a 20% reduction of salary. Gulp! I just can’t seem to catch a break…ever. I was finally making enough money to pay my bills and have some fun cash left over for – oh I don’t know- savings, and then I get clobbered with this news. Sure it is better than the alternative of being laid off (I am thanking my lucky stars for that) but damn it when will I be able to start living my life as a 38 year old and not a broke ass college kid!!??? Of course this news brings back all the emotions that I had tried to suppress from my non-teaching career move and even now typing this makes my eyes swell up. Exhale….

To counter act this mighty blow to my back account I immediately canceled my Netflix account and the auto refill on my Gold Starbucks card (that one hurts). As you all know I do not have cable so I can’t cut back there and since graduating last June I’ve been “borrowing” my internet connection from Apt.41. By the way if you are reading this Apt.41, please do not turn off your wireless router when you leave for long weekends, it really disrupts my Facebooking. I am going to turn off my BlackBerry data plan (that is worse than the Starbucks cutback) and I am committed to only eating PB&J’s for lunch. Even with all of these sacrifices I am still a LONG way away from my $1000.00 a month reduction. Sigh….


My sudden change in financial status has weighed heavily on my mind since receiving the fateful news late Wednesday night - so much so that my mind is awash with thoughts of budgets and figures. Last night while walking home from the subway my mind was so occupied with budget cutting scenarios and alternative means of income that I did not notice the large hole in the middle of the crosswalk and advanced directly into its destructive path. My right foot was immediately swallowed by the cavernous asphalt dimple while my ankle took an awful turn to the outside. I however did not tumble but remained upright with only a lingering TWANG of a slightly sprained extremity- whew. However as I walked up Queens Boulevard I was surprised at my sudden limp for it was not on my right injured foot but on my left – odd. I continued to hobble along for another 20 feet with my left foot falling out from under me until I finally stopped to assess my condition. With a furrowed brow I raised my left foot; flexed it, twisted it, and shook it all around. All appeared well however when I replaced my foot back onto the sidewalk I was surprised at the sudden lack of..ummmm…elevation. What the? On CLOSER inspection I discovered that the pothole not only wrenched my right ankle but had also wrecked havoc on my left boot by severing the 2” heel from the sole. Arggggg. Back I clopped to the scene of the offence to retrieve my heel from the intersection. I proceeded to walk the remaining 2 blocks balanced on my left foot tippy toes as the parishioners from the Islamic Institute of NY and the International Church of Jesus Christ looked on in puzzlement.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

This is not a posting

Work is a bit wacky this week so unfortunately I will not be blogging. However here is quickie update: sucks, I have already lost interest in the hunt. Well I actually lost interest last week, that didn’t take long.

Hyrda is so not fun. The drones are sucking the life force from me and my usual cheery demeanor is turning sour, very sour.

On a happy note the bell situation at Hydra has been resolved. All it took was a flathead screwdriver and a wire clipper. Yep I am now a petty vandal.

My digital convertors were delivered and installed. Now not only do I receive local major networks I also have an additional seven channels of Spanish programming and what can only be described as a 24 hour bobsledding station.

I bought a new hairbrush for $25 and yes it is magical.

I took the Hampton Jitney out to Sag Harbor last Friday and even though I’ve been Jitney-ing for 12 years I am still amazed at the lack of civility encountered along my
2.5 hour journey. Last week I sat several rows behind two overgrown 40 something frat boys (avec backwards baseball caps) along with their three blond Barbie companions. All of them obviously sloshed from pre-partying at a local watering hole and acting like a pack of 16 year olds after their first wine cooler. Here is a portion of the (one sided) conversation that was forced upon me as I tried to zen out the Tools:
Dude 1: (directed to his 3 friends) Do you have Skipper?
Them: silence
Dude 1: Do you have Skipper?
Them: silence
Dude 1: Skipper.
Dude 1: Do you like Skipper?
Dude 1: You guys have Skipper?
Dude 1: Skipper is awesome.
Dude 1: You gotta do Skipper.

(I think he meant Twitter - frekin' tool)
The stupidity continued as we traveled the length of the Midtown Tunnel:
Dude 2: (addressing Dude 1) Don’t you read anything?
Barbie 1: The only thing I have ever seen him read is a menu.

Since this anti-blog was so lame I thought you could use this picture above to imagine that your monitor is filled with water and fish. At least you'll get some use out of this not-a -posting.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Flowers and Candy

Tomorrow is St. Valentine’s Day and unlike the single female 30 somethings that are portrayed on film and TV as mean pathetic cranky bitch ass haters of all things romantic and heart shaped – I LOVE Valentine’s Day. Sure I don’t have a Valentine, but that’s Ok. In the middle of the cold gray winter I always enjoy basking in the glow of store windows festooned in pink and red sparkley things while bunches of cut flowers burst from every corner bodega and even though I am not a huge sweets fan I do not mind partaking in a festive candy heart. I even have a tattoo of a chubby cherub on my left boob – so how could I NOT be a fan!?

Not having a Valentine is less stressful than having a Valentine, sort of like NOT celebrating Xmas. I can enjoy all the fun fluffy stuff without the burden of trying to satisfy some huge commercial consumer created expectation. My Mom will get me a card and we’ll eat pink sprinkled cupcakes under the red cardboard hearts suspended from her dining room ceiling. I can always count on dear Mumsy to come through on VD, it’s a constant. In past years I collected remembrances of the day from Mac and Scooter (a Valentine’s Day card and E-card respectively) and Galleta bought me candy. Well he actually bought candy for the whole office but I like to think of it as my candy that I generously shared with the staff. Additionaly I have a vague Valentine memory of receiving a single rose sometime in the mid 90’s that had been purchased at a Suffolk County gas station while driving around aimlessly in a car full of boys (2/3 of them now gay). So you can see that I am very thankful for all of my Valentine’s Day tokens and appreciate even the smallest of gestures.

When the day comes, and it will, for a REAL Valentine to enter my life he BETTER BRING IT..and bring it HARD! Good lord I’ve been patient and really sweet about this whole thing but god help the man who doesn’t go big on my Valentine’s Day! I want all the goobery lovey gunk with flowers and odes written in my honor, jewelry, champagne, and fancy unmentionables.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I’m Flippin’ for Pancake Day!

First off shame on all you Brits, Aussies, and other self proclaimed Anglophiles for not telling me about Pancake Day (aka Pancake Tuesday, aka Shrove Tuesday). Yes friends it is true, you heard correctly, there is a holiday solely reserved for the celebration of Pancakes and it is on Feb. 24th. Well it’s not really a holiday to celebrate pancakes, that’s like saying Christmas is a holiday to celebrate giving gifts (that is ridiculous). Pancake Tuesday is a holiday that is marked by the traditional making, flipping, eating, and racing with pancakes in commemoration of the day before Ash Wednesday (the beginning of Lent).

From my research I have discovered that Pancake Day was very popular before the American Revolution when all things Anglo were the craze here in the colonies. However with the influx of French Catholic Immigrants (damn you immigrants and your Louisiana Purchase) the poor pancake was replaced by Mardi Gras. Crazy cause who would ever choose tits over a sweet griddle cake? The French, that’s who oh and those Latins with their Carnival. Prancing around in their sparkly body pant, feathers and pasties, freakin’ pancake haters.

As a Jew I tend not to participate in holly days that are sanctioned by The C of E however I have adopted such secularized Christian traditions as Halloween, St. Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day – so I think Adoni would be Ok if I was to add Pancake Tuesday into the mix. Good Lord is it a sin to like a pancake? And by actively celebrating this holiday I think I’ll gain points with my Christian fiancé, Galleta, who believes that for us to enter a blessed union I need to accept Jesus into my heart (I’m really hoping that he’s going to grow out of this whole Catholic thing by the time he’s 30)

If you find yourself as JAZZED as I regarding this newly discovered holiday here are a few suggestions to get into the spirit:
Enjoy a FREE Pancake – In celebration of Pancake Tuesday IHOP is offering a free short stack of griddle cakes all day on Feb. 24th.

Make a Pancake - The traditional pancake is slightly thicker than a French crêpe. It is served immediately after preparation with a sprinkling of caster sugar and a dash of fresh lemon juice or with syrup.

Race with a Pancake - Participants race on a predetermined course while flipping their pancakes in a supplied regulation skillet.

Tell your future in a Pancake- Bake household items into your pancakes and serve them to family members. Rings, thimbles, thread, coins, and other objects all have meanings associated with them. The lucky one to find coins in their pancake will be rich, the finder of the ring will be the first married, and the finder of the thimble will be a seamstress or tailor.

Be a Pancake Gangster – In Brittan school children in disguise break into homes and demand pancakes. They can also be found fighting for pancakes for monetary rewards and throwing old crockery at peoples' doors while asking for pancakes to be tossed back in return.

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Digital Revolution

Many of you fancy pants people out there, all with your highfalutin AV systems and whatnots may be asking yourselves, ”Why is the government extending the mandatory television signal conversion from analog to digital? What’s the hold up?” Read on dear friends for here is a tale of one rabbit eared television viewer who has been foiled by red tape and incompetence.

The second week of January I logged onto the US government sponsored digital conversion website in hopes of ordering my $40 coupons so I could purchase two digital signal converters for a discount. True I began the process a tad late I do confess, however I watch TV on an aerial antenna doesn’t that say enough about my need for progress? Anyways within 10 minutes of clicking, “Submit Request” a press release hit the waves announcing that the government had run out of funds and would not be issuing any additional coupons…CRAP! But being the eternal optimist I crossed my fingers and waited in hopes that I would receive MY coupons. I remained patient and with each passing day my psyche crept closer to the stinging realization that I would have to bite the bullet and pay full price for my two converters (two- because besides my 18” Panasonic I also have a 10” circa 1981 Zenith). But then alakazam… last week the government announced that millions of TV viewers had not heeded the 18 months of warnings and (like me) did not have converters yet. And yet once again it is proven that passivity breeds solutions. But wait not only did the government extend the conversion deadline but my coupons arrived on the same day, kismet. I hopped onto my computer immediately to research the best digital converter only to discover that the BEST converter had been sold out for months. It’s like a freakin’ rollercoaster. The second best converter was available though and it was exactly $40 (plus tax & shipping).

I went to the DishNetwork site to order the buggers only to discover that they offered a $40 and $60 version. Hmmm what could an extra $20 get me I wondered? I looked at the comparison chart and everything was the same, intriguing. I then cross referenced the information on Cnet and guess what; they are the same unit only with different names. Oh so crafty DishNetwork but you didn’t fool me! I completed the online order form along with my coupon codes but when I clicked “Place Order” I was instructed in large red letters to call customer service because they couldn’t accept my order online. So onto the phone, on hold, then an operator, then on hold again, then disconnected after 15 minutes. No worries they can’t get rid of me that easily. I redialed and sat on hold again for 22 minutes until I was finally informed that because I had been a DTV customer in 2001 they had to create a ‘dummy’ account so I could receive the 2 converters. Ok fine. Wow this process is so easy; it only took over an hour to order my two boxes. I have no clue why so many million elderly, non English speakers, and mentally challenged television viewers have not completed the conversion process? But wait that is not the end of the story for the following day I spent another 35 minutes on the phone with Munwar when I discovered that they charged my credit card (tax and shipping) for FOUR BOXES – strange considering that the coupons can only be used once, or so they say.

Friday, February 6, 2009

I’m Feeling It

Now with this my 3rd blog of the week I think I am back on track. Sorry fans for the mid winter slack off, I don’t know what I was thinking, or not thinking of.

Hold it!
My commute was freakin poppin this morning!! There is nothing like the high of good mass transit voodoo. This morning as I approached my bus stop I could see the Q32 barreling down Roosevelt Ave. but I was tragically trapped on the opposite side of the street because of a poorly timed traffic light. Argrrrr! I was swaying on the sidewalk like a kid trying to “jump in” on a game of double dutch – attempting to gauge the speed of the two way traffic. Could I frogger it? Nope I could not and I watched dejectedly as the bus cruised past me. But fear not dear readers as the Q32 cleared the intersection it suddenly stopped. The bus driver had stopped the bus for ME and waited until I could dodge the gypsy cabs to ‘jay run’ across the middle of the block. I love you bus driver. My commute continued to grant me great joy when, at my subway transfer, my train was patiently sitting in the station awaiting my arrival. I have the touch.

Don’t believe the hype
I learned a very hard lesson this week that I really should not listen to people when they tell me that I’m funny. Forever people have been telling me to do Stand Up but I have such self doubt I could NEVER do it. I mean I can ‘hold court’ at a social gathering spitting out stories with bravado and total control but to do that in front of people who are expecting to be entertained…. Not so much. To that end this week I flew a bit too close to the sun and found that my wax wings were not able to support all the accolades I’ve been receiving as of late. While out for drinks with Scooter and his pall The Trojan our conversation turned to focus on my blog and my entertaining tendencies. Scooter proceeded to sing my praises in such an enthusiastic manner that he even convinced me that I was amazing. Of course this quickly turned into The Trojan demanding, “Ok Monkey – impress me with your so called humor. NOW!” Wow what a hot box of mess. I had nothing to say. I mean I tried but nothing came…nothing. I was the most uninteresting boring woman ever to speak. My face was hot and red, my eyes started to well up; I can’t remember a time that I felt so deflated. I swear it took all I had not to run into the bathroom and sob in the stall. WTF??!! So basically the last nail was plowed into the coffin on that little fantasy. Now I’m just gonna stick to hiding behind the heavy curtain of anonymity that my blog provides and telling stories only to my small circle of non-demanding palls….thank you.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

More Humor – Less Love

The winterfest 09 is into day four and true to form I’m looking at 40 bucks worth of soul crushing comedic material instead of a pocket full of inspiring buds of young love. Still forever optimistic I am certain that within the next 26 days I will DATE… no seriously I will. I am totally “secreting” it.

Throughout this process of on-line dating I am constantly intrigued and amazed by the level of confidence that many men instinctively possess even though their existence balances along the razor’s edge between retarded and pathetic. Damn if I had ¼ of the confidence that these toothless illiterate slobs enjoy I would be unstoppable. Case in point: In my posting it is rather apparent that I’m intelligent, cultured, employed, and dare I say it, sweet on the eyes. Now after reading my brief witty posting and perusing my photos here are the only responses I have received from men who thought, “Hmmm I am SO right for this chick…I really must email her”.

  • I am looking to get married again. I want someone to just be a doll. Someone that knows how to take care of a man without any confrontations


  • i am very mature men open mind family men like some one for serouis relationship no play around have good heart happy and giving and motivated i like to treat my partner as gentle as lover as queen

  • I am looking for a woman who is: smart likes to watch football believes that half a shirt is still a shirt thinks that a cute outfit can be more important than comfort (ie tight shoe game) doesn't hate on John Madden football believes that FAMU has the best marching band on the planet and ideally wants to spend time with me

I have ignored all of these missives however dear readers if you feel that I am being WAY TOO judgmental please let me know and I will swiftly hit the REPLY button to start the process with one (or more) of these gents. I may be single today but with your help I do not have to be single tomorrow!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Blog Blahhhhs

Maybe it’s the cold or maybe it’s because there is nothing I wanna write about but I have been so lazy with the blog lately. I do think about it daily hoping that SOMETHING…ANYTHING will happen that may be at least interesting if not humorous, but I got nothing. Work is still sucking my butt, alas not in a good way, however the Argonaut (aka Guy) is dutifully fulfilling his role as official cookie supplier. In addition just the mere fact that the Argonaut and I eat lunch together more often than not has really revved up the rumor mill here – and well that ‘s kinda fun. We play it up to entertain the masses but I think the fan base is starting to wane … we really must up our game. I suggested staging a fight in the kitchen while invoking the name of his live in girlfriend but that may cast me in a ‘psycho’ light and we don’t want that.

I have re-joined for the month of February (I do this about twice a year) hoping that the $40 membership fee will either translate into one free dinner and a glass of wine or at least some comedic fodder for the blog. So far I have searched about 200 profiles of men in the greater metropolitan area between the ages of 30 and 45 to find about 7 who didn’t leave me asking, “Really?” Here are a few observations I have made during my first 18 hours of on line dating:

The phrases “Laid Back” and “Easy Going” are pervasive throughout men’s profiles yet I do not know why anybody would consider these GOOD traits. I want a guy who is actively engaged, stimulated by curiosity, present and connected. Laid Back sounds …well uninterested.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with web cams shirtless.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with web cams shirtless while holding dogs.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with web cams shirtless while looking at the
computer screen instead of the camera lens.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with camera phones while looking into a mirror shirtless.

Many men write as if they are addressing other MEN. Here are some opening lines, “Ok guys…” , “I hope you guys…”, “Forgive me guys for writing this.…” huh? Then they list all the sports teams they like and don’t like followed by all types of historic baseball and football scores and stats, blah blah blah…. I get it that guys like sports but I’m thinking that if you are trying to catch a CHICK this may NOT be the ONLY thing you chose to write about.


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