Monday, November 16, 2009

A Roller Coaster of a Weekend

I went into this past weekend with some trepidation however in the light of a sunny Monday morning I think the whole crazy ride ended up rather super.

Things learned on Friday

  • The general public SUCKS at karaoke.
  • Screaming, laughing, and talking to your friends on a mic is NOT karaoke
  • The karaoke menu should NOT include any songs by the Jonas Brothers NOR should a karaoke bar have any patrons who choose to sing (?) the Jonas Brothers.
  • Mailroom guys do not understand that “Shout’ is the TITLE of a Tears for Fears song, not the style in which it is to be performed.
  • When somebody says, “Hey you didn’t sign the going away card” and you respond, “I don’t work with you”, then they retort, “But you’re our concierge!?”, is it rude to remind them that you were laid off in Jan. of 2003? I hope they haven’t been waiting all this time for their tickets to “The Producers”.

Things learned on Saturday

  • Even in a recession people will venture out in a Nor’ Eastern to wait online at Marshall’s for over an hour with screaming children (I was just making a return).
  • Microwave popcorn and two frozen waffles is dinner.
  • When spooning do not utter THIS sentence into your ‘spoon partner’s’ ear, “We really shouldn’t have done that” – even if said statement is true. There is a time and a place for an attack of conscience, like on your own time in your own place. Or as Peggy Olson would say, “Quit barging in here and infecting me with your anxiety.”

Things learned on Sunday

  • Skipping breakfast and lunch and going straight to pints of Guinness makes a Sunday afternoon breeze easily into a Sunday evening.
  • People who sing – should.
  • Tubas make everything funny.
  • Drunken bras shopping may be my new Sunday indulgence.
  • Being overly flirty with the male cashier will score you a 20% “Friends and Family Coupon” – or maybe it was because I let him man handle my newly purchased lacy incidentals. Either way I tell you who didn’t get the coupon, the 2 nosey Orthodox Jewesses next to me.
  • Swason will always tell the truth (that’s not a new thing I learned, it was just reinforced)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Done and Done!

After one month on the free dating site, OKCupid, I have collected no less than 15 offers of various forms of intimate encounters with boys under the age of 24, about 8 of the same invitation from the thirty something set, and let’s not forget the 55+ troop pulling up the rear (excuse the term) coming in a close second with 6 offers. Wow Cupid, really…really? However I did receive one email response from a seemingly clever guy who was so witty and clever with his electronic communications that I agreed to meet him for a drink.

Enjoy the following story for it will be the LAST of my internet dating saga:

About 2 weeks ago after receiving a very humorous response to my OKCupid posting I willingly handed over my gtalk info (for those of you who were lost at ‘posting’ just ask somebody under the age of 35 to explain). For the next few days I was bombarded with inane IM’s, the more he typed the less I was intrigued. I warned him of his quick descent into the ‘uggghhh not this guy pile’ but he took no heed. After a few days of random banter he asked to meet for dinner, I countered with ‘drinks’, he agreed to my counter offer but added the caveat of a Saturday night date. Who makes a first BLIND date for a Saturday night? Not only did he insist on a Saturday night but it was Halloween and he wanted me to travel to Brooklyn – from Queens! That is just crazy man talk. I ended up canceling on him 3 days before the appointed date (thanks Rubin for the cover) and he went into a tail spin – FREAK SHOW. Unfortunately after his meltdown I knew the only way to shake this zealous G Fan was to actually commit to a face to face. Don’t get me wrong, I love being the target of undying infatuation but not from complete strangers – that’s just intrusively obsessive and icky.

For the ‘make up date’ he again demanded that we meet on a Saturday night but at least I was able to negotiate down to a Manhattan location, thank goodness. I arrived at the bar seconds after our appointed time and there he was all a flutter with nervous excitement standing awaiting my entrance. As I approached him it was hard to get a lock down on my man scanner since the entire establishment was sparsely lit by only 5 strategically placed votives. However as I grew closer and his shadowy figure began to appear through the dark amber glow I could plainly see that he was sporting a BLACK KNEE LENGTH LEATHER BLAZER. Time out, date over.

I don’t really think I even need to describe the remaining 2 hours (yes I was basically kidnapped) of this date; just the fact that he was wearing a leather coat that was purchased in 1983 when he was at least 45 pounds slimmer is enough to set the tone. You want more? Sure how about his buttons holding on for dear life as his shirt strained and gapped around his girth, or the gushing perspiration and the long stringy hair? Or the combined action of swiping the flowing streams of sweat off his forehead while fingering it through his hair as if he was applying ‘product’. Yes friends this was my LAST internet date. The humor is over, I was a good sport, I stayed positive, I fought the good fight but I just can’t submit to this humiliation anymore. DONE!