Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Send in the Marines!

This Friday I’m taking advantage of my gratis personal day (awarded by Hydra in exchange for a holiday party) to join Mom in Montauk for a day of soothing spa treatments at Gurney’s Inn. I have signed up for the Marine Cure which I am hoping will include some hunky men in uniform assertively manipulating my body while slathering me in enriching oils. Well it is the MARINE cure….right? Most likely however I will get a middle aged Eastern European woman with sausage fingers and a penchant for the sadistic. Ehhh either way I am sure to come out on the other side supple and properly serviced.
My first foray into spa culture was several years ago in preparation for Scooters wedding. As a member of the groom’s party I was to wear a dress that showed more skin than I was commonly used to so to do the best with what I had I decided to get a full body scrub and herbal wrap. Yep… I was a bit freaked out about the whole thing. Like what do I do, what do I say, what do I wear, what don’t I wear, how do I prep…do I even prep? What are the protocols for such things? To quell my worries I went directly to my source of all things girly, Lulu. Lulu filled me in on the process, what would be expected from me (nothing), what to remove (everything) and what to put on (a supplied paper cocktail napkin held in place by 2 lengths of dental floss). Ahhh such a relief, I guess. Now all I needed to do was psyche myself into getting naked in front of a stranger and not be a total neurotic mess.

The day came and….yep total neurotic mess. I thought if I just ran my mouth through the whole 90 min. treatment then maybe it would seem totally natural to have this young fresh faced 20 something gently caressing and oiling up all my nooks and crannies….yeah that worked well. I think she was more uncomfortable than me. I know this from the nervous laughter and the comment, “Ummm usually people don’t talk so much when they are here”.
My jabbering did cease and rather abruptly when while positioned on my back being exfoliated by natural sea salts and other grit like materials my “girl” asked, “Do you want me to do your chest?” And as I laid there in the warm darkness with the sounds of Aboriginal rain stick gently tinkling through my ears and the smell of jasmine dancing in my nose I thought, “Does she mean my CHEST….or my Breasts?” But after just a brief moment of internal reflection I realized “Yes” would be the only answer to give cause really, either way, that’s a win win. So “Yes” it was, and for the remainder of the 90 minutes not a word was spoken. Oh and my breasts looked fantastic!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Ring – A – Ding – Ding

The drones at Hydra have discovered a way to drive me insane. I do have to hand it to them though; I truly did not think they had the focus, humor, or level of secrecy to pull it off.

We have a doorbell outside the office door with signage that reads, “Do not ring bell” which is due to the fact that the door is always unlocked. A few weeks ago the old piece of label maker tape finally fell off the bell so I replaced it. And replaced it, and replaced it and replaced it. Every day for 3 days in a row shortly after posting my signage and returning to my little corner….!!!!DING!!!! The sound would echo through the office and at once I knew my little white label had gone missing once more. I assumed it was the poor quality adhesive found on my no name brand label so the next day I used funtac
and to my surprise within a few hours the label was gone but the funtac remained….hmmmmm??? Next came the glue stick….!!!DING!!!. Then Elmer’s’ glue and a paper sign….!!!DING!!!. Yesterday I had enough of the shenanigans and I printed a sign that covered the entire bell and cover plate that read, “DO NOT RING BELL Please do not remove this sign” and I affixed it with double stick tape. Ahhhhhh at last a day of no bells.

This morning when I arrived at 8:25 AM my sign still hung prominently and proudly next to the office door thwarting all hands itching to get their digits on the button. I was beaming with pride that I had finally conquered the sign thief with a combination of wordage and adhesives…..!!!DING!!! WTF!!??? Are you kidding me? At 9:55 am the dreaded sound returned. I flew to the door only to find the bell coldly exposed with a goopy outline of double stick tape around the edges of the stainless steel plate.

I confronted the drones but none of them fessesed up to the evil plot against my sanity. I have checked the trashcans in both the office and the bathrooms and there is no record of my signs, this is truly a mastermind who is not only stealing my signs but collecting them. I have some prime suspects, mostly the slumber party yahoo sisters, but as one employee pointed out, “Nah they are too lazy to do anything. I mean they would think about doing it, and talk about doing it, but to actually get up and do it, they would lose interest”. After listening to this reasoning I was convinced that I had focused my attention on the wrong party.

The investigation will continue this afternoon as I cross check personality profiles with the attendance log to ascertain who arrived between 8:25 and 9:55. In addition I am devising a trap that will include glitter, double stick tape, and an old manila folder. I can not divulge anymore information for fear that I may compromise my plan.