Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Well is Dry

Thank you all for rooting for me BUT after a ‘two- fer” lame ass date-fest 2 weeks ago – I got nothing! I am still on Match and Eharmony but I have no bites. Not only is there nobody to ‘communicate’ with, there is nobody trying to communicate with me…ughhhhh. Each day it becomes more of a chore to troll the depths of the interweb in search of humanity. I think this should really be more fun, instead it feels like a job search. However to keep you all amused I thought I would collect a sample of opening lines from my “mutual match” profiles – enjoy.

Ok ladies If I ever have a kid, I dont want him or her to call me grandpa by mistake.

Every girl I've met on Match is A Nut job!! Are you??

In process of divorce. Back in NYC to make money and meet a honey.

at times known to be a great kisser.. I learned at a very young age that I had knack for kissing.. God just blessed me with a strong tongue.

I'm on here to meet somebody that I want to be with

I am looking for a consistent drinking and walking exploring life buddy

Just wanted to update my "fans" - Divorce trial date scheduled for beginning of August 09 it may happen or it may be postponed but cannot come soon enough for me.

Only 4 weeks left on Now I know why guys are flocking to Latin America to meet mail order brides

I beieve that Oswald acted alone!!

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Love Shack

My weekend was filled with so much love and laughs that I feel like I have sunshine seeping out of my pours. I’m energized and filled with glee for my weekend away in NJ was undeniably a cure for many of my recent ills.

Friday night after a few drinks and a bus ride out to New Jersey JGB and I arrived in her wooden enclave of A Frame homes originally built to house vacationers but now repurposed for young families and senior citizens. Cheffie greeted us at the door along with the GB’s eldest who was a bit shy at first but warmed up quickly. The other two junior GB’s were fast asleep but I was promised that our Saturday would be filled with plenty of opportunities to bond over swimming, a living room dance party, and numerous hands of Uno. To my surprise however it turned out that I didn’t need to wait until sun up to meet #2 of the clan. Because of my futon’s proximity to the adult’s quarters I was mistaken for ‘mom’ and received a 4 year old bed warmer during the predawn hours. As not to scar this sleepy nugget for life by informing him that I was NOT his mother I simply slid over, surrendered my pillow, and tucked him in under the blanket. I knew right there that we would be buddies or he would be totally FREAKED out when the light of day filled the room, either way I would be remembered.

Saturday morning. Both folks and kids up early getting ready for a big day of fun, sun, and FOOD. Good lord, staying with a professional chef (who is also one of the sweetest guys ever made) is luxurious. As Cheffie stood at the counter whipping up handmade blueberry pancakes and bacon as easily as if he was pouring out cold cereal, I formally met #2 and #3. #2 was surprisingly resilient after being informed that he had crawled into bed with a relative stranger, however we both had the good manners to not talk about it, and #3 was a ball of 2 year old happiness, like a golden retriever puppy.

After breakfast and with the addition of two nieces in tow, us ladies took the bigger kids to the community pool while Cheffie stayed at home with #3 preparing the Saturday night feast. The pool was basically deserted with the exception of the apathetic teenage lifeguard and 2 ladies who probably wished our Marco Polo championship was being conducted at a lesser decimal level – oh well.

After many hours of aquatic recreation we returned to a home saturated in the aromas of Cheffie’s hard work and feasted like a royal family, but even better since we didn’t need to dress for dinner. The kids were great, even after such a long day out in the sun and the water they were charming and silly. After dinner we had a sing along dance party to all the popular tween Disney Channel tunes of the day- Swason would have known all the words, I however did not, but enjoyed the floor show anyways. Then a few hours later, feeling sleeping and filled with lobster and handmade ice-cream, JGB tucked me into my futon with a kiss on the cheek and hopes of ‘pleasant dreams’ – awww shucks.

Sunday, another fantastic breakfast this time with big fluffy omelets complete with potato pancakes and apple sauce. Of course #2 and I had an Uno battle on the living room floor –the kid is a shark – but with some help from big sister I think I was able to squeak out at least one win. We then spent the remainder of the late morning on a driving tour around their hood and LOUD show tune singing – JGB and I do a mean Annie.

Aboard the bus by early afternoon I made my way back to NYC filled with a cheerfulness that can only come from being surrounded by people (both big and small) who are boundless with their love. Thanks GBers – you all rock!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Back on the Horse

The two dates last week were less than perfect. Number 1 was a ‘handsy’ narcoleptic and number 2 was a fidgety 41 year old Vet Tech who thought it was perfectly fine to sit at the table downing his pint while I excused myself to buy my OWN drink.
Me: “Ummmm I guess I will just go to the bar and get a drink?”
#2: “Yeah sure” points towards the bar

After filling my Monday and Tuesday nights with these exhausting interactions I was ready for a respite from the daily grind of hunting and pecking through cyberspace for a suitable beau. For the remainder of the week I focused on other more pressing things, like installing my air conditioners ON MY OWN and drinking copious amounts of cheap wine on Swason’s roof top. That roof top thing is becoming a habit but I don’t think Swason minds, I mean I did splurge for the $13 bottle of Screw Kappa Napa.

My week was also plagued by immense personal upheaval that unfortunately readers I cannot share with you. However please know that things are on the mend and my outlook is that it can only get better from here. Either that or I'll start heavily self medicating.

This week has kicked last week’s ass! It has been fantastic and it’s only getting better. I started off with a super fantastic dinner at Cookshop with my ol’ High School buddy Weezer (shout out to Face Book for the re-friending hook up) where we dined on succulent seafood topped off by the most decadent of deserts, The Cookshop Candy Bar – wholly cow - frozen chocolate cake with like a peanut butter ganache, dipped in dark chocolate, sprinkled with sea salt and stuck on sticks – yeah that was good. From there we sped off to Madison Square Garden where we bopped the night away to Depeche Mode. These 50- somethings were kicking it HARD – damn they sounded terrific. So good in fact that Weezer and I both vowed to actually learn their names instead of referring to them as lead singer, blondie, and that other guy. The next night I continued my week of joy by meeting up with one of my old Pink Ladies from Hunter and trying out the NEW beer garden in Astoria. Great night once again, full of Sangria (yes at the Beer Garden) wurst (infused with cheese), lots of laughs and a some venting over the state of the Department of Education and the entire metro area school system – nice to have somebody who understands (i.e. agrees with me). To continue on my track of good humor, this evening my officemates, Bookie 2 (in the future I will refer to her as just Bookie) and T-bone and I are popping down to NoHo to take in some theater, Puppetry of the Penis. For those who are uneducated in such artistic ventures – Puppetry of the Penis requires its troupe of naked Ausie to manipulate their flaccid members into interesting shapes; I hear the “Mickey Mouse” is a crowd pleaser. Ohh I wonder if there will be audience participation?

Now back to the online dating update – I’m back in. I’m searching and responding, poking and winking, and yet…..this is what I get:

i'm looking for someone that can relate to the late 80's and early 90's, girls you gotta love the hi hair and spandex, please be fun, gotta like tattoo's. in free time love to go art museums, tattos conventions, hunting and fishing when ever I get a shot, and hanging down at killy rock. got any guestion just ask, dont be shy. so lets have some fun....