Monday, August 27, 2012

"Shake It Out"

“….But it's always darkest before the dawn”

I started my Head Shrinking  at the end of last week. It’s new and strange and all I did was spend an hour telling my story.  Dr. Head didn’t say much of anything but I think she is just trying to absorb it all and make connections. It didn’t feel any different than when I talk to my friends (except I don’t have to write them a check at the end of an hour) but I’m certain it will do me some good and she did come up with one really good insight that made me go  - “Oh yeah… right.”

“…And I've been a fool and I've been blind…”

The more I think about my date with Mr. Woods the more I realize how perfect it was. Even if nothing comes of Mr. Woods and he just slinks into the realm of a “good first date story”, last Tuesday was precisely what I needed. For several months my head has been jumbled with uncertainty and filled with thoughts of inadequacy. I know as a grown woman I should be aware of my value intrinsically without any need of outward approval but sometimes… especially when my head isn’t feeling its usual bright and shiny self I DO need a bit of  external cheer-leading to strengthen my resolve.

“…I'm always dragging that horse around…”

Unfortunately the person who presented themselves as my champion was also my tormentor. When I begged for solace I received silence, when I asked for caring I received confrontation. I was told repeatedly that I was “disappointing” if I didn’t embrace the role that had been crafted meticulously for me to embody.  I wasn’t that person, I knew I wasn’t that person, but the protest went unheard and I slowly sunk away.

“…Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground…”

Last Tuesday I was me, fully me. No acting no lying and Mr. Woods embraced it all. I felt like I stripped off a suit of armor, took a full deep breath and all was right. Mr. Woods will never know how much that Tuesday meant to me, I’m sure to him it was “nice” but to me it was a return back to someone whom I had lost in the gray.

“…And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off”

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