Thursday, February 3, 2011

Off With Her Head!

I love living alone; I could never imagine cohabitating with anything more animate than my dear dust bunnies. Though I enjoy my luxuriously solitary lifestyle 99% of the time, it’s the odd 1% that sends me into a tizzy (see EEEEEEK a Mouse). My recent tumble into the dark abyss of endless tragedy was not the result of some illegal squatter, furry or feathered, but due to the fear that within the overnight hours my body would die in my bed, alone and cold.

FINE so I didn’t die, but who knows, I could have? Like the time I was certain I had shattered my knee cap and was alone, trapped in my apartment with no possible way of escaping the imminent doom of certain death. Who would ever know? How long would it take somebody to find my cold bloated body? Yes in retrospect maybe I shouldn’t have fallen asleep with an ice pack resting on my bruised knee thereby freezing the entire workings so when I awoke I was completely paralyzed, albeit temporarily. Hey I’m not an orthopedist; I’m a chick, alone…. dying in my one bedroom apartment, who knew the ice would FREEZE my knee.

Anyways, the other night after visiting my chiropractor Dr. Pico (yummm Dr. Pico) AND going to the gym I returned home to discover an odd kinda pressure behind my left ear. The low grade pain started slowly then spread into my jaw and left sinus. By the time the pressure spread to my teeth I thought I should do something, so being a woman of the new millennium I logged onto Facebook. Right? I mean how is that NOT the proper course of action when you think you are on the cusp of a grand mal seizure? Fortunately an old friend was online, fine he’s not a medical professional, but he is a Production Manager or TD or something …really does it matter, the guy knows how to fix things. He read my symptoms over the IM and quickly typed “You are NOT having a stroke, you probably have a pinched nerve” – whatever, what kind of help is he? He obviously didn’t understand that I was birthing an aneurysm through my head nugget hole. I asserted that I was truly on death’s door however my typing had become somewhat erratic since my vision out of my right eye had turned into a sunspot. That wasn’t good. So with no other option than to just embrace the end of my poor sad lonely life I signed off Facebook, crawled into bed, and awaited the cloaked hand of death.

Long story longer, the next morning I woke up. I still felt “odd” so after work I ditched the gym and returned to Dr. Pico. Once in the exam room Dr. Pico placed his powerful bear paws around my neck and sarcastically said, “Oh this is good” - hey buddy drop the snark, ok? Then an echoing crrraaaack, followed by Dr. Pico's diagnosis, “You knocked your head off!”. What the what? Yep it turned out I knocked my skull off to the side so I was pinching like everything on the left side of my neck. Turns out I was totally NOT dying….but I could have been, that’s all I’m saying.

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