Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wholey Moley

To continue my “Welcome to Your 40’s Gail, Try Not To Fall Apart” lifestyle I made an appointment with my skilled (yet not humorous) dermatologist for a full body skin meet and great, or as members of the medical community call it, a Skin Cancer Screening.

I never considered myself highly freckled however my new GP and new Gyno BOTH made mention of my proliferation of speckles during my most recent examinations. While perched in a very compromising position my Gyno even went as far as to poke at my brown spotted knees, proclaiming with glee as if she just uncovered a wondrous discovery, ”WOW! Are you seeing a dermatologist?

Well now I am.

Dr. Derma arrived with clipboard and calipers in hand however he realized all too quickly that this was not gonna be a routine pasty Upper East Side blue blooded skin scan. He was intrigued by the freckle on the sole of my left foot and my tattoo also received special mention– why thank you doctor – however, instead of ordering in dinner (FYI - China Fun is ‘round the corner) and spending a few hours cataloging ALL my speckles, spots, and splats Dr. Derma submitted to the fact this was a job that far surpassed his organizational skills.

Dr. Derma broken and worn by my unending surface area of freckles leaned against the counter, sighed, then asked a rather odd question considering I was tenuously sheathed in a paper kimono, “How comfortable are you with being naked?” Yeah… ummm…internal struggle…what does he want me to say…I mean I’m in a doctor’s office…so… NAKED GOOD!. “I feel totally fine with being naked”. Relief flashed across Dr. Derma’s face as he thrust into my hand a tri-folded brochure and pleaded with me to “Go there”. I looked down into my open palm and read these two words from the glossy page, “MOLE MAPPERS”.


Yep turns out there is a medical photographer downtown who for a mere several hundred dollars will snap nude photos of my skin, thereby “mapping” my moles for future comparisons.

I haven’t booked my shoot yet, I’m still deciding whether or not to trade my hard earned cash for a CD of detailed digital images of my bespeckled body.

Cons: My photographer may be this perv, “A Firing Exposes Worries Over Medical Photo Method”

Pros: With a wide formatted hard copy of my Mole Map I could subsidize my income by offering ‘readings’ of clients’ star/mole charts or I could most probably unlock the star gate.

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