Thursday, July 9, 2009

Two Birds One Stone

This lady got needs and currently I have two very pressing needs, 1 – a guy to date, 2 – somebody to install my two window air conditioners. Yes I CAN install my ACs, I’ve been doing it for 7 years but it would be sooooo great if there was another set of hands to help. Lugging them out of the closet, dragging them across the apartment, balancing them on the window sill 4 flights up from the sidewalk below as I precariously wedge loose bricks under the bottom edge to help reduce the risk of “flip out” – I’m kinda done. Last year I was almost decapitated when just seconds after pulling my head back into my apartment my circa 1929 window broke loose from its track and came slamming down full force. Unfortunately my left arm was not as lucky as my head; it was splayed across the top of the unit with my fingers wrapped around the outer edge of the AC. I don’t know how I was able to lift the entire weight of the window off my arm with just my free 4 stubby fingers while not loosing the appliance or passing out from the pain, but I did it and as a souvenir I rocked an oozing black and green bruise for weeks.

Fast forward to summer 2009 and once again it is time to re-install my units but this time I thought I would do the very smart thing and post on my facebook – for all 154 friends to see – my need for help. Not only did I post that I needed help I even offered up a pint and a cheeseburger from Donovan’s (voted NYC’s best burger by TONY) and guess what, the ONLY person who responded was Q in NC promising that if she was in NYC she would lend a hand. Really, really? WTF!? It would even be cool if Scooter offered to do it when he visits at the end of the month however he and Galleta’s have decided not to respond to voice mails or emails. Yep I just called both of you out in the blog – but I have no worries of any repercussions since Galleta is MIA and Scooter recently informed me that he’s just too busy to return calls, reply to emails or read the blog anymore.

While bemoaning my fate to an old friend (name withheld) she suggested a very creative solution to both my needs (#1 and #2). She recommended that I post an add on offering a buffet of torrid services in return for AC installation. At first I shrugged off this strategy however as the temperature rises and has been unable to locate at least one “mutual match” out of their 16 million subscribers, this raunchy plan is shockingly gaining my approval.
In closing please share in the horror of the only email I received yesterday from While you are reading this please picture a fat balding 55 year old man in a Hawaiian shirt, gold chains, faded tight jeans, white socks, and cream colored pointed-toe shoe-boots lounging in a leather office chair with one hand on his crotch and the other holding a telephone receiver to his ear.

you will fall in love


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