I Hate The Hunt

One week into online dating (2013 edition) and I’m already weary of the process. For those of you who live a magical life bursting with rainbows and unicorns, who have always found your Mr./ Ms. wonderful in the ‘real’ world and believe that internet dating must be FUN and EXCITING– let me lay some truth on you, it SUCKS!  Imagine being laid off, you reflect for a moment then realize you gotta get back into the game, you quickly post your resume online  and start answering job postings with well-crafted introductory cover letters. Days pass and your letters go unanswered however your mailbox is overflowing with offers to flip burgers in Oklahoma or scrub motel bathrooms in Idaho. Then you sit and think, what the FUCK!? What in my resume would make a perspective employer think that I want THAT? So you review your resume, edit and re-post, all the while continuing to send out cover letters for jobs that match your skill set. More days pass and still your letters go unanswered as more distasteful offers from far away states fill your empty inbox. And that my friends is me on the dating hunt.

I know men don’t read my profile but what amazes me is that they don’t read their own. I received an offer for drinks from a dude who proclaimed after reading my profile we  would be a great match. I discovered through his posting that he had a large family with whom he spent every free moment and that he wanted a woman who was “extremely family oriented” as well. Also he was an avid church goer and wanted his match to “make God a major priority”. As to pets he had dogs and wanted to date a women with dogs so that they could all share in the fun (good lord). I replied to his email (I know I should have just deleted it BUT I had a few drinks before logging on) explaining that all the things he required in a partner I did not possess and that I was rather confused at his claim that we would be a great match. His reply, “I never thought of it, I guess it all depends on expectations, I am ultimately looking for someone with those qualities, but I could date others now.” To which I responded (and again I know I should have deleted his email), “I expect to become someone's "ultimate" one day, but going into a dating situation knowing that being the ultimate would never happen, is not for me.” SURPRISE ending, the guy thanked me for pointing out the incongruities between his email and his posting and within the hour updated his profile with this edit, “I’m not ready to commit to dating anybody right now, I have many things and people in my life that take priority but I would like to find a friend maybe for now.” – WOW check me out, I did good for this guy.

 

Notes regarding internet dating photos:
Besides the classic bathroom selfie (still going strong for the over 40 set) here are the top three straight male middle aged photo ops that are trending on the interwebs:

Men sleeping on the couch, cause there is no better way to say “I’m a virile, athletic man who will take you out and knock your socks off!” than napping. Bonus points if holding a dog/ cat/ blankie in a cuddle death grip.

Men indulging their narcissistic compulsions by snapping 5-10 photos of their refection the rearview mirror of their car – who knew a man could look so hot rockin’ a nylon webbed shoulder seatbelt? Bonus points if wearing sunglasses and an Ed Hardy T shirt.

Lastly the ubiquitous photo of a guy talking on the phone, cause ya know ladies go crazy for a guy who won’t even give us the courtesy as a viewer of a photo to put down a blackberry. Bonus points if he’s pointing his index finger as his brows furrow in that, “Hey, shhhhh, wait a minute, I’m on the phone bitch.” way.

 

In Search Of

After Monday night’s farewell I thought I would give myself a few days/ weeks of quiet time before hopping aboard the wonder wheel of internet dating but instead within 14 hours I decided not only to reinstate my free OKCupid account but I did something that I haven’t done in years, I signed up for a 6 month paid membership on Match.com. Match.com you soul sucking bank account eating tease, I hate you so but I have no other choice, I’m pulling out the big guns and hitting this shit hard.

I want my person, I don’t know where he is or when I’ll find him but I really want him. Sweets was never my person, I knew that by the end of March, but it was OK, there was fun and lots of shared wonderful moments even if he never looked at me with ravenous wolf eyes or grabbed me at the door after not seeing me for weeks, then threw me to the ground to ravage me. I want to be a man’s perfect embodiment of womanhood, I want to be his #1, not his #36, when we’re apart I want him to think, “Wow I wish Gail was here, this would be much more fun with her sharing in this.” And I want to fall crazy head over heels for him and I want him to be ridiculous for me as well.

I cried Tuesday, hard, and truthfully my eyes are welling up as I type this now, not because Sweets and I aren’t dating but because of the situation, because I really DO deserve to have the best and I’m at the peak of my life, feeling the strongest/ healthiest I have ever felt with an abundance of energy and happiness and I just want to share that.  Side note, having the spinning instructor surprise you with a new song during the most difficult part of the class and that song be a slow broken hearted love duet really does some good work for purging one’s emotion. Thank goodness the room was dark and the music was booming cause I was falling apart, full heaving ugly face weeping with the tears mixing with my face sweat (hot, I know). I was rather impressed with my lung capacity though; it is kinda bad ass to be bawling uncontrollably while climbing a major hill in spin class, just saying.

Using the knowledge I learned from the men I’ve met I decided to update my online dating profile to reflect my true needs and wants in hopes that it weeds out the men who just aren’t available to give me what I desire. For your reading pleasure I have included an excerpt below – enjoy.

Lastly, yesterday morning I got a little surprise boost to the ego when Mr. Woods popped up on my OkCupid instant messenger. Mr. Woods has permanently relocated to Zurich but is still on the prowl. We exchanged small talk before I had to race out the door but even within our hurried chat Mr. Woods was able to squeeze in some very flattering memories of me – it’s nice to be remembered, especially as a drop dead sexy goddess.

Online Dating Excerpt:

I have time, energy, creativity, and no anchors weighing me down or holding me back to get out and GO (I don't even own a houseplant). I want to do things, go places, DATE and have a vat full of raucous laughter doing it. I am independent, I have traveled, dined, attended social events, explored, etc... on my own but now I want to share all kinds of super fun things with a man I am dating , therefor if you do not have the availability in your heart/ head/ schedule to share time and adventures then I would not be a good prospective dating partner.

(other stuff)

I need a man to date who has space in his life to incorporate another. At this age many people come with other people (ex's, kids, elderly parents, overwhelming careers etc...) and that is par for the course however please understand your time limitations, if your dance card is already full with other commitments I would not be a good match for you. I am not interested in getting married or having kids, now is my time for wondrous escapades and rip roaring fun and I would like to share that with a man who has the time and energy to hit it!

Truthiness

Sweets and I are no longer dating. It’s been coming for a while, I sensed things were off following his Easter visit with his family but I tried not to dwell on his withdrawal and chalked it up to his overwhelming stress load. I worked hard at not stressing him out, probably too hard. Dating should not be that difficult, but even when I pointedly asked, “Do you still want to spend time with me? Because it really feels like there is an imbalance between us.” Sweets apologized and vowed that he truly did WANT to spend time with me and do all the fun things he posited during the cold dark winter months. So I stayed and believed in his plans of warm sun on our skin as we sailed to the private Connecticut island beaches. He spoke of grand plans for us together, all wonderful and filled with adventure but as the weeks of May and June flew by I saw Sweets less and less and when the weekends arrived with my heart and head filled with anticipation of all the riches I was promised  I was shockingly dumped into the pit of disappointment as my plan for a tumultuous weekend of good and plenty  revealed itself  for the reality that it was - alone time for me in Queens while Sweets escaped to regions beyond the state line. By the end of June, I knew, well I suspected, because the one thing I can never shake is my enthusiastic optimism, that I had been sold faulty goods.

I posed the question out right, I gave him the opportunity to come clean and tell me that he didn’t have space in in his life for me. It would be a hard pill to swallow but better to take the pill then to continue dating a man who could not / would not make any time for me. This is my blog so I’m going to toot my own horn now, I AM AMAZING TO DATE! I have two big dating wants, I want to have sexy time and I want to DO really fun things. Done. I don’t care about fidelity or commitment or a relationship, I don’t want to get married or have kids, crap damn it we never even said we were boyfriend and girlfriend – I don’t care. I never even asked Sweets to help paint my kitchen or install my 2 window AC units or even take a drive with me to Home Depot –  all I wanted him him to do was make time do the things HE WANTED TO DO with me . Long story longer Sweets realized his wrong doings, apologized and said that he didn’t want to stop dating me and that beyond a doubt wanted to do things with me just not all those things he talked about cause umm…. sometimes he runs his mouth without thinking.  OK that’s cool.  And I promised to lower my expectations and help with getting plans onto paper and facilitate the remainder of our Summer/ Fall adventure schedule. Whew all is swell, isn’t it nice to have a good adult check in and get our dating back on track! Now off with Sweets for the month of July while his kids are in town and we’ll reunite in August with my monthly planner in hand.

Oh it’s August, already? Great, we had a good break and now I can’t wait to get our schedule down in black and white, so much to do and see and …. Oh … what?
Last night Sweets dropped the truth hard, he was wrong, he thought he could make space for me but he can’t so he needed to breakup with me. There were clues it was gonna happen last night, small clues that I tried to contort into signs of happy good things to come, but in the end my nagging thought that the finale was near was the thought that rang true.

We walked and talked and laughed and reminisced about all the super fun that we shared over the past 7-8 months. I vented (which was good) and he apologized and we both agreed that I deserved better (funny that’s exactly what Mr. Invisible said when he broke up with me last Aug.). I was so ready for this breakup that no tears were shed until we spoke of the good times, that’s the difficult part for me, remembering all the GOOD, cause there was so much and I did so many new things, rock wall climbing, snowshoeing, hiking, camping, and because of Sweets’ enthusiasm and overwhelming support for my physical strength I feel that I could conquer anything so I began jogging and spinning and now stand up paddle boarding.

We are friends, we will be friends, we both care about each other and have such fun that to throw it all away now would be fool hardy. I did warn Sweets though now that we are friends and he’s a member of Team Gail (it takes a village)  he’s going  be called upon for services (he’s already promised to remove my air conditions) and also cause he’s a friend  I’m going to tell him when he’s being a dumb ass.

After burgers and beers we hugged and said we would hang out soon and I really hope we do, the guy doesn’t have the nick-name Sweets for no reason. I’m just glad that not only was he finally truthful to me but he was truthful to himself.

Lub –Dub Lub –Dub

First let me quell all your fears with good news regarding my pesky nodes. After what was a harrowing and extremely painful biopsy the report showed NO signs of anything toxic just some lumps with nothing to do. Sweets was a champ throughout the procedure (pre and post); holding my hand, stroking my hair, and reading to me in bed as my neck swelled and pulsed with pain. The happiness and relief I felt just having him beside me drained the fear and rested my worries.

Two days after the needle to the neck I was off to Jamaica with Mom on what was to be one of the most relaxing vacations I’ve had in a long time. Mom promised not to stress me out and to take responsibility for EVERYTHING. My instructions were merely to “Pack a bag, grab your passport, and meet me at the airport”. In 6 days I tanned up my saggy bacon, had two spa treatments, biked several miles and filled my belly with fresh fruits and seafood. Oh and there was wine, lots of wine.

I returned to the city within 25 hours of Valentine’s Day with no expectations of any celebratory action, sure it would be delightful to have a Valentine (other than a gay guy, a gal pal, or my mom) BUT I was totally Zen about the entire situation. As Sweets and I celebrated my return to NYC and my clean bill of health at The Brindle Room he reached across our candlelit table, took my hand and said, “I know I should have brought this up earlier but, do you have plans for tomorrow?”  My face lit up and I shook my head no as my grin exposed my inner joy at having a REAL Valentine for the first time in my 42 years.

The next night Sweets cooked dinner at my apartment as I scurried around, pushing my unpacked suitcase under the side table, giving the bathroom a quick once over, and lighting every pink and red candle that I could find. We feasted and flirted and drank rich red wine that made my head spin and the giggles come easily. In the flickering amber candle light Sweets’ crimson hair glistened and his blue eyes deepened and I thought, this is exactly where I want to be right now.

 

Valentine’s night also hosted my last Dr. Head appointment. I had been weaning off of her since mid-December and by late January I felt that I had nothing left to say. After vacationing with my mom, surviving another stressful health scare and dating a new guy while feeling utterly in control of my emotions and exceedingly happy I knew I had healed and returned to the original Gee. I leave Dr. Head with new coping skills, insight and knowledge, not only about me but others in my life as well and how to more easily navigate through the maze of my personal universe.

Spinning wheel…going round and round

Just when things are cruising smoothly  - WHAMO  - sucker punch. First, Sweets, the poor guy got laid off, gulp. Being stressed out and broke is NOT the ideal state for one to inhabit when attempting to cultivate a burgeoning relationship, however on the plus side I am assuming this will curtail his additional dating agenda since it’s kinda hard to court concurrent women in this pricey city while not gainfully employed. Also a plus, I get to be Gee, happiness giver and general head distractor (in a good way).

Immediately following his lay off announcement we shacked up for an astounding 5 days filled with eating, drinking, late night boogie downing, road  tripping, mountain (hill) climbing, museum going, movie watching, and hours of ridiculous conversations revolving around breading mini pocket sized pets, standardizing alternative methods of measurement, repurposing sheared body hair, etc, etc, etc…. At the end of our 5 day marathon of “Let’s not think about reality” we were both exhausted and blown away by the amount of joy we shared while on our ‘stay-cation”. Yeah that’s fucking amazing.

My uber crush’s layoff news was disappointing, but not devastating (for me) but little did I know that lurking around the corner was my own little package of WHOLLY CRAPPERS!  

On the morning of  Sweet’s layoff  I submitted my neck  for a routine ultrasound of my thyroid which surprisingly uncovered some abnormal growths on my lymph nodes.. what the.. really? Seriously my body just loves adding pieces, remember my cranky cervix? But back to the lymphs – my ENT specialist is not very concerned however he wants a sample taken and for extra fun times the nubbin is all snug and cozy up along my carotid artery – bonus! But wait there is more, to prep for my upcoming procedure Doc placed me on a super antibiotic which immediately killed off all my good germs (ladies… ya know what I’m saying here) so on top of everything I also got THAT going on.

Last night was date night with Sweets (plans made prior to my medical discovery) and he couldn’t have warmed my heart more. With all his real life stuff going on he was still generous with spirit, comforting with words and supportive in action. We snuggled on my living room shag carpet as we dined on overstuffed toasted sandwiches and pomme frites . After filling his tummy with cheese, potatoes, and ALL my fancy beer (damn you antibiotics) I shyly popped the question…..”Could you meet me after my procedure and bring me home? If that is too much, too soon…or weird.. it’s ok.” He didn’t let the words drift off my lips before exclaiming “OF COURSE I will!  And I’ll walk you over and sit in the office during the procedure as well.” (side note,  his sudden lack of employment is rather handy in this situation)

I know it’s crazy to be surprised at Sweet’s eagerness to be a mensch, but after a stupid STUPID year of crap ass interactions my scale of what is normal friend behavior is fully out of whack… but  happily, it's being recalibrated.

Facebook Friend or Foe

Immediately after posting my last blog I stumbled upon Sweet’s Facebook page. And by “stumbled upon” I mean easily discovered after engaged in an active search. At 42 years of age you would THINK I would be able to temper my emotions and rein in my downward spiral of doom after snooping into places I have not been invited. But NOPE, I still have enough of my tragically insecure 16 year old girly pink matter crammed up there in my scull along with the gray which tends to take over in cases such as these to drive me absolutely batty.

As I flipped through multiple photos of wine bars and jazz clubs featuring various women I began to doubt my strengthening position in our burgeoning dating scheme. It wasn’t that I was disturbed by the dates (I would be a hypocrite to cry Scoundrel! - considering what went down with one of NYs bravest) no, what made my heart ache was that I was missing from the lineup. Seriously THIS is what made me sad, the fact that a guy that I’m dating did not have OUR dates posted publically for all to comment. All my insecurity came rushing in, flooding my head and my heart with thoughts and emotions all skewed to destroy my warm fuzzy feelings of excitement and new romantic opportunities and replace them with thoughts of “You’re not attractive”, “He’s embarrassed of you”, “He’s using you”, “Sure you are fun BUT he would rather be seen in public with these other women.”…. Blah blah blah…

Yes in reality there could be TONS of reasons why I’m vacant on his Facebook and as an adult I shouldn’t care. But how the heck do you un-SEE things you shouldn’t have been looking at in the first place? Meanwhile while I was drowning in the minutia of each comment and photo tag, Sweets inadvertently drove me further into my box of crazy by going completely MIA – yep no contact, full on radio silence. My sadness quickly moved to anger then by Saturday morning (after evaluating three days of carousing posted publically on Facebook) shifted gears directly into disinterest.

By Saturday afternoon Sweets rang my phone and low key plans were made for that evening. I was not optimistic or overly enthusiastic BUT I promised myself I would arrive in full Gee Happy Puppy form and give it my best shot, even if my head was a jumble of images and comments that were not intentioned for my eyes.

Sweets arrived at my local speakeasy and I can’t be certain if it was the spicy bourbon or his tenderness or a scrumptious combo of both but in moments my angst melted away and I didn’t snap back to the real world until I entered my office Monday morning.

In the end I’m glad I know what I think I know, or at least I’m glad that I saw what I saw. The photos on Facebook tempered my expectations but have not destroyed them. Additionally I will follow Red’s demand that she laid down while talking me off the cliff of self-sabotage Saturday morning, Keep that lid TIGHTLY on your box of crazy, no guy needs to see that….. yet.

I Must Have Done Something Good

Life is going super well, maybe that’s why the blog has been very quiet. Dr. Head is doing wonders for my mood, no tears in MONTHS and she’s great with giving me the tools to deal with unfavorable situations that used to drive my anxiety quotient off the charts. It’s been a hard row to hoe for some but the “new communications plan” that I put into effect is best for me, and that’s how I roll these days.

Along with my good humor the dating goddesses have smiled warmly upon my rosy cheeks and sent me a man who ummmm…. makes my eyes sparkle and my mouth turn into a permanent grin. I think I may be smitten, and I KNOW for sure I am being wooed.

Last I wrote Mr. Woods was making my toes curl with his sexy bad ass ways and smooth charm, but that coolness became cold and the bad ass became boring. Mr. Woods allusive coyness was not worth my time so we let that thing fizzle out. It was fun and Mr. Woods played a HUGE part in resuscitating my swagger but without the proper amount of real live face time my crush quickly petered out. I went on a few more dates; nothing special came of any of them until I met Sweets on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend. Sweets is charming and unassuming but with a solid confidence that really rocks my boat. At first his enthusiastic energy was a bit frantic but quickly it grew on me or maybe his edge softened a bit, either way I’m digging his exuberance and delight in his optimistic cheeriness.

Sweets is my age, divorced father of two, with a career in finance and a head of crimson hair. He seems to delight in my dorky love of all things ridiculous, from our first real date riding the tram to Roosevelt Island to visit the FDR memorial to my habit of breaking into TV jingles from the 70’s. He holds my hand when we walk down the street and helps me on and off with my coat. Doors open, chairs are attended to and the bill is always paid with Sweets commenting, “It’s my privilege to pay the check.” HOW DID I GET HIM?! Will you all allow me to gloat even more and say that the man has a triathlete’s body that intimidates me to shame once we head behind doors “after hours”? CRAP, Sweets is blowing my mind and warming my heart and it frightens me to think of all the ways I could screw this up. I don’t want to screw it up, I want it to keep going and growing and exploring. I try to relax and just let the “liking” happen but it’s so hard for me to believe that it is all so real.

Before my tween like babbling fills 10 more pages of blog I’ll end with this last little tidbit – after our second date Sweets mailed me a hand written note thanking me for a “spectacularly splendid evening”…. Seriously Sweets, you have me fully.