Monday, August 12, 2013

I Hate The Hunt

One week into online dating (2013 edition) and I’m already weary of the process. For those of you who live a magical life bursting with rainbows and unicorns, who have always found your Mr./ Ms. wonderful in the ‘real’ world and believe that internet dating must be FUN and EXCITING– let me lay some truth on you, it SUCKS!  Imagine being laid off, you reflect for a moment then realize you gotta get back into the game, you quickly post your resume online  and start answering job postings with well-crafted introductory cover letters. Days pass and your letters go unanswered however your mailbox is overflowing with offers to flip burgers in Oklahoma or scrub motel bathrooms in Idaho. Then you sit and think, what the FUCK!? What in my resume would make a perspective employer think that I want THAT? So you review your resume, edit and re-post, all the while continuing to send out cover letters for jobs that match your skill set. More days pass and still your letters go unanswered as more distasteful offers from far away states fill your empty inbox. And that my friends is me on the dating hunt.

I know men don’t read my profile but what amazes me is that they don’t read their own. I received an offer for drinks from a dude who proclaimed after reading my profile we  would be a great match. I discovered through his posting that he had a large family with whom he spent every free moment and that he wanted a woman who was “extremely family oriented” as well. Also he was an avid church goer and wanted his match to “make God a major priority”. As to pets he had dogs and wanted to date a women with dogs so that they could all share in the fun (good lord). I replied to his email (I know I should have just deleted it BUT I had a few drinks before logging on) explaining that all the things he required in a partner I did not possess and that I was rather confused at his claim that we would be a great match. His reply, “I never thought of it, I guess it all depends on expectations, I am ultimately looking for someone with those qualities, but I could date others now.” To which I responded (and again I know I should have deleted his email), “I expect to become someone's "ultimate" one day, but going into a dating situation knowing that being the ultimate would never happen, is not for me.” SURPRISE ending, the guy thanked me for pointing out the incongruities between his email and his posting and within the hour updated his profile with this edit, “I’m not ready to commit to dating anybody right now, I have many things and people in my life that take priority but I would like to find a friend maybe for now.” – WOW check me out, I did good for this guy.

Notes regarding internet dating photos:
Besides the classic bathroom selfie (still going strong for the over 40 set) here are the top three straight male middle aged photo ops that are trending on the interwebs:

Men sleeping on the couch, cause there is no better way to say “I’m a virile, athletic man who will take you out and knock your socks off!” than napping. Bonus points if holding a dog/ cat/ blankie in a cuddle death grip.

Men indulging their narcissistic compulsions by snapping 5-10 photos of their refection the rearview mirror of their car – who knew a man could look so hot rockin’ a nylon webbed shoulder seatbelt? Bonus points if wearing sunglasses and an Ed Hardy T shirt.

Lastly the ubiquitous photo of a guy talking on the phone, cause ya know ladies go crazy for a guy who won’t even give us the courtesy as a viewer of a photo to put down a blackberry. Bonus points if he’s pointing his index finger as his brows furrow in that, “Hey, shhhhh, wait a minute, I’m on the phone bitch.” way.


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