Monday, September 20, 2010

How Low Can You Go?

Friday Night Date Recap:

I arrived at the bar before Tim (of course); well actually I arrived at the bar before anybody. At 6pm I was the only soul in the place so I plopped myself down on a spinny red bar stool and ordered up a Tom Collins. A few moments later Tim strode through the swinging door festooned in his circa 1984 finest. Really!? This guy is 37 years old and he is wearing high wasted light blue stone washed jeans with his shirt cuffs flipped over his jacket then rolled up to his elbows ala Miami Vice – ughhhhh. Oh AND he had a pony tail! Yep he had slicked back his tawny brown hair into a 3” pubic hair poof that sat complacently on his shirt collar. HOT.

His personality was Ok and with just a few drinks our conversation began to flow. He wasn’t particularly entertaining or flattering but he was intelligent and we agreed on most major topics (religion, politics, the hatred of slow tourists clogging up our streets, etc…). As I sat there listening to him talk about his intimate relationship with show tunes and his love of Lady Gaga (I know, I know) I cataloged how much time and money it would take to make this guy appropriate for prime time, and really it wasn’t that much. A ten dollar super cut and a quick pop into a Gap and he would be a totally different guy, there was a good foundation there…. I thought.

After he downed his second cocktail he took me next door for dinner. Yes kudos to me for getting to step two on a first date. We ate and drank and talked about pop culture and travel. Sure there may have been red flags; his undying love of Tom Selleck, his claim that “Jackass the Movie” was the funniest film ever to be screened, his fanatic appreciation of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (complete with a table side reenactment of the “musical” episode), and his pick for “the one guy I would go gay for” – Tim Gunn. But hey if I’m looking past the pony tail and the grandpa jeans I can give concessions to the vocal gaffs, right? Lord knows I’ve sat across the table from a lot worse.

Dinner was finished and he suggested dessert – well duhhhh of course. His gooey chocolate concoction arrived with two fortune cookies daintily balanced on either side of the bowl; he took one then offered the other to me. His paper fortune revealed some pithy statement whiles mine… well…. if I could find the guy who penned this culinary communiqué I would punch him in the FACE! Yep I cracked open my cookie, took one look at my fortune, placed it back onto the table and said, “Ok moving on…” Tim of course wanted to know what it said and prodded me to read it out loud. So with all I had in me I lifted the asinine missive and read the following in a full voice, “You will never go hungry”. Yeah…. like that’s not uncomfortable coming from the lips of a chick who has been classified morbidly obese since the age of 9.

Out into the cool night Tim walked me to the subway. By this time between the sumptm3kY dinner and the several glasses of wine I was totally over all my judgy judgmental-ness (so the guy has a pony tail and loves big bushy mustaches, I can look past that) and I was totally revving up for a good old smooch. I did the prerequisite, “Thanks I had a great time” then he leaned over….and….. gave me the one armed open shoulder to shoulder hug. What The??!!! How did that freaking happen?

The next day I sent off a quickie email reiterating my appreciativeness of the past night’s entertainment and offered up an idea for a next date if he so wished, and guess what? I got NO RESPONSE! How could that even be? I mean come on, who is this guy waiting for? How many kick ass cool chicks are out there in this big city that will overlook all his misgivings and still give him the benefit of the doubt? Am I that lame that I can’t even get a second date from this guy? Ughhhhhh. How low do I have to stoop?

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