Not So Really Real

In the past I sang Swason’s praises for her fierce grasp of reality and her unwavering commitment to telling me the truth, however that woman is a black and white cookie of cerebral dichotomy because she is also the BESTEST pal for engaging in, and collaborating with, my super reality or as some may call it – fantasy world. 

Our adjusted realities stem from the fact that we both still harbor a bit of our 12 year old pink sparkly sticker collecting/ friendship bracelet making girl just under our savvy city lady outer shell (sorry Swason if I am writing out of turn, however I believe you will agree with me here) and when we unite in a dork-fest fueled with wine (or not) we quickly break through our jaded all-knowing logical crust and delight in our combined powers of modified universe creation

Swason is currently indulging my revised reality that I’m only one call away from Lufthansa ‘s reservations desk to becoming a trophy wife of an international banker stationed in Zurich. There I am sipping red wine and feasting on exotic cheeses while peacefully lounging on the deck of my Alpine chalet as I spend my lazy days transferring my harmonica virtuosity for that of the alpenhorn. I won’t share Swason’s ‘reality’ with my readers but suffice to say that not only do I need to purchase a parka for my mountain top hideaway, Swason has informed me to start shopping for cowboy boots because her Texan wedding is gonna ROCK it! 

The Truth Is…

During my 45 minutes with Dr. Head this week… back up a moment, 45 minutes really?  In 45 minutes I can only get through like 1.5 stories then I have no time for feedback, ughh. I really must learn to edit my entraining narratives if I expect to get anything out of this process.  Ya know what, therapy for dull story tellers must be extremely cost effective. Anyways back to my appointment. I spent a good chunk of my time unraveling the specifics regarding my past 12 months of upheaval including my TWO lady cancer scares and my multiple leg operations. After I rattled off the various emotionally offending situations I wrapped it all up with, “I guess it was just a bunch of little things that came together to create this perfect storm.” To which Dr. Head said, “OR it could be that you experienced a massive amount of VERY big things that all happened in a short amount of time?”  Literally I think I heard a bell ring when she said it. I felt like - FUCK YEAH, this past 12 months HAS  been a total BITCH and of course I am overwhelmed and falling apart.  I may only give the doctor 30 seconds to get a word in while I reach for a tissue but when she does that woman is speaking the truth, and the best part is she is totally on my side.

Mr. Woods and I are staying in touch, as promised, while he keeps the World Bank afloat overseas (or whatever it is he does). We have a light email exchange going on and it feels a little like old timey courting. He’s still sweet with just the right amount of sauce and it’s perfect for what I need at this moment. I’ll admit that I smile when Mr. Woods’ emails appear in my inbox and I blush when crafting my replies.  Yeah... I'm crushing on Mr. Woods.

Je t'aime Paris

Mr. Woods headed off to Zurich for a month long business trip before we could enjoy a “triple play” on our dating score board. Oh Mr. Woods, so international, glad he is keeping the 1% solvent since my paycheck depends on their financial triumphs. However even though we didn’t get face time prior to wheels up we did make plans… hold on – what?! Ok well tentative plans. There are plans to continue our dating upon his return AND plans to stay in touch over the next thirty days. Fingers crossed by “stay in touch” he actually meant “I’m going to fly you to Paris for a long weekend”. I mean, cause really, that IS what he meant. What could top PARIS as a third date venue, the man would be crazy NOT to fly me out.

I finally told Dr. Head about The Invisible Man and as I spoke I saw her eye balls turn into dollar signs and I believe I heard an audible whisper of “ka-CHING!” I’m sure she had been thinking, “sigh…. Middle aged body issues, family issues, dead father… yawn” then I hit her with The Invisible Man assault and she was locked and loaded. Yeah Dr. Head, you didn’t see that coming, I was saving the meaty juicy shit – now let’s DO THIS!

Journey into the Future

Second week with the head shrinker, good thing my appointments are being covered by insurance cause I’m not too sure this week was worth the expense. The Doc asked about my past which I assume she needs to hear so as to understand my present however for me it felt more like “story time”. I could have just written a book report on “Gee’s Life and Times, 1970’s & 80’s  Edition” and emailed it to the Doc as a pre - appointment primer…. but maybe there is some madness to her method, she is the professional. It is a journey and I’m committed to it so I’ll keep traveling this road - and at least the Doc. saved on her Kleenex consumption expense during my time in the chair, cause I am dead to that past life shit.

Now onto Mr. Woods – Currently I think he is blowing Doc out of the water with his “happy head” skills.  FINE I know it’s just a temporary fix, but doesn’t a band-aid and a kiss feel good as your body is doing the REAL healing from major damage. It’s not like I’m only utilizing Mr. Woods to soothe my open wounds (that would be a bad attack plan) but I think having him take the edge off while a professional deals with my sick head is kinda sweet. Actually, it fuckin’ rocks!

My second date with Mr. Woods went as well as the first, actually it went even better and I think this may be a “thing” – wholly crap I think I’m on the verge of a “thing”. I’m desperately trying to stay cool yet engaged however  - CRAP -  that’s a fine line to walk. 

I’m fully available to a “thing” but also if that is not to be, that’s Ok too. In just two dates Mr. Woods has unknowingly gently collected the bricks that were toppled from the past months' damaging blows and tenderly placed them back into the gaping holes. I know it is my job to solidify them with mortar, but to have them slipped back into place by a relative stranger made me realize…. Ya know it’s not that difficult…. things will be Ok.

"Shake It Out"

 

“….But it's always darkest before the dawn”

I started my Head Shrinking  at the end of last week. It’s new and strange and all I did was spend an hour telling my story.  Dr. Head didn’t say much of anything but I think she is just trying to absorb it all and make connections. It didn’t feel any different than when I talk to my friends (except I don’t have to write them a check at the end of an hour) but I’m certain it will do me some good and she did come up with one really good insight that made me go  - “Oh yeah… right.”

“…And I've been a fool and I've been blind…”

The more I think about my date with Mr. Woods the more I realize how perfect it was. Even if nothing comes of Mr. Woods and he just slinks into the realm of a “good first date story”, last Tuesday was precisely what I needed. For several months my head has been jumbled with uncertainty and filled with thoughts of inadequacy. I know as a grown woman I should be aware of my value intrinsically without any need of outward approval but sometimes… especially when my head isn’t feeling its usual bright and shiny self I DO need a bit of  external cheer-leading to strengthen my resolve.

“…I'm always dragging that horse around…”

Unfortunately the person who presented themselves as my champion was also my tormentor. When I begged for solace I received silence, when I asked for caring I received confrontation. I was told repeatedly that I was “disappointing” if I didn’t embrace the role that had been crafted meticulously for me to embody.  I wasn’t that person, I knew I wasn’t that person, but the protest went unheard and I slowly sunk away.

“…Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground…”

Last Tuesday I was me, fully me. No acting no lying and Mr. Woods embraced it all. I felt like I stripped off a suit of armor, took a full deep breath and all was right. Mr. Woods will never know how much that Tuesday meant to me, I’m sure to him it was “nice” but to me it was a return back to someone whom I had lost in the gray.

“…And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off”