Thursday, March 17, 2011

Does My Face Make Me Look Old?

Just in case you all thought I put the internet dating hunt on hold, you are very much mistaken. My virtual pursuit to find a man who is not a mess is thriving, yet I’m only giving my time to the free site OKCupid for my cash is too dear to flush an unending stream of ducats down the world wide web sewer of Match, Jdate, Eharmony, etc… Yet even though I continue to fervently chum the dating waters my nets are habitually devoid of any daily catch.

Besides the random electronic missives from the usual illiterate wack j
obs or photos of engorged “erect members” taken in the reflection of a public bathroom mirror, my inbox has experienced an uptick in emails from men who are completely delusional regarding their age vs. physical appearance. Since I turned 40 a few months back I guess the robot monkeys over at OKCupid have dumped me into a higher age bracket pool (they obviously do not know me) so now I have the comedic pleasure of receiving emails from the 45+ crowd, the majority of whom begin their courtship by confidently announcing, “I look younger than my age”. What the Who told you that? And by the way internet dude vying for my pleasure, I can SEE your photo so allow me to be the judge of that statement. Side note I have no issues with baldness, or beards, or age, just OWN IT dudes! Good lord I tell people I’m 54 just so they can look at me in shook and proclaim “You Look Terrific!!”

Just this morning I received an email from a 46 year old who was 60% bald with a salt and peppered beard who in ALL CAPS not only stated that he looked a decade younger than his actual age, but he went further and brag
ged about his “baby face”. First, no 46 year old man should ever favorably compare any part of his being to that of a baby and guess what 46 year old – YOU LOOK FORTY SIX (actually if he said he was 53 I would have believed that). It must be amazing to have the blinding confidence that a man possesses, no wonder they make war so often, they must truly believe they are all super-beings.

Cause I know you love it – here’s an excerpt from an actual email I received yesterday:
You are very pretty, do you want to get a druink? I
am 5,10 and 160 pounds.I came to New York on October 2005.I like Tropicana Orange Juice.I do my laundry in my days off.I like Google and Wikipedia a lot.I can make your computer run faster.I am a pedicab driver. I work 3-4 days a week. I work near Central Park. In less than half an hour, you can notice that I am f.r.i.e.n.d.l.y.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

I also like Tropicana Orange Juice. SOUL MATES! But omg do you like pulp?

Anonymous said...

Hmmm F.R.I.E.N.D.
Fucking
Reject
Insistantly
Emailing
Never
Dating

Maybe thats what he means. :-)