Monday, November 8, 2010

Maybe My Gays Have Ruined My Dating Pool?

I am still trolling the internets searching for my man cause as we all know I love to have a project, however I think I liked last Autumn’s project better - see painting my kitchen. No doubt it is a long haul however instead of becoming weary over the poor collection of first daters I have acquired I seem to be drastically lowering my expectations and standards as the months (years) fade away behind me. Case in point “Late Night Dater” (AKA - LND).

LND contacted me a few weeks ago in response to my OKCupid profile, his emails were well written and clever (even though he did begin our electronic correspondence by inquiring about the partial tattoo in view on my left breast) however because of his out of town travel, my cold, and then my jaunt out West we had to delay the ritualistic face to face “public cocktail” until late last week.

When LND called to set the date he informed me that he worked until 11pm so our date would be commencing at the witching hour – oh good grief. Really the last thing I want to do on a cold Friday night is drag my cozy ass out of my apartment after 11pm to meet a guy for a FIRST date – but one must do what one must do so I slapped on a coat of makeup, flat ironed my bangs, strapped on my heals and headed on out to the subway like a 23 year old bridge and tunnel kid (sans a can of beer concealed within a brown bag with a straw).

While on the subway LND was furiously sending off the texts, first informing me that he was so concern
ed about looking good for our first date that in his fervor he sliced his neck shaving and was very embarrassed about his oozing laceration. Then he texted to inform me that the bar I had chosen in LIC had a line and that it was at capacity. Bizarre, I didn’t know I frequented such trendy places, but I guess that’s what happens after 11:30pm on a Friday.

I arrived as the crowd was starting to thin out so it was just moments until we were seated at the bar. LND was awkward and nervous but gentile and charming. He’s cultured and highly educated but as he spoke all I could think was – really you were concerned about “looking good” for our first date!? Maybe it was a conscious decision to pull focus from his gnarled neck by sporting a faded and ratty gray (sic black) polo shirt with a collar that resembled two pieces of limp rotelli and jeans that sagged and billowed on the floor? Is this really what a grown man wears to work and to a date? How about a pair of (size appropriate) dark jeans, a clean T shirt and a V neck sweater – that’s all I need. Have some pride in yourself, and some respect for me. I pulled my tired ass out of my apartment at 11pm for HIM and dolled myself up. Maybe I should have just worn sweats and a stained T shirt, hell why even put on a bra or shoes even, slippers are so much more comfortable and really shouldn’t we all strive for comfort, one nation united under snuggies, or as I like to call them “the adult one-sie”. Really why even shower at all, let’s just let all social conventions go to the way side and be slobs.

Fashion aside I also got a strange vibe while we sipped our artfully crafted top shelf cocktails, well not strange, just… ummmmm….gay. YES GAY! I think I was on a date with a GAY GUY, unfortunately he didn’t have the gay dressing gene, only the gay voice and mannerism gene….. great, what the F am I gonna do with that? I mean if I’m gonna date a gay then I want me a finely bespoken butch (you know who you are), not a hobo swish.

At the end of the night, or early morning, I couldn’t tell if I was overtired or bored. He was really sweet and did all the right things, despite spilling my drink into my lap, but there was just….. nothing. Still I am open and available, good vibes….good vibes so when LND emailed for a second date I said “Yes”. Basically unless a guy is an axe murdered (or a hunchbacked little person with a limp – no really that happened) I will always accept a second date invitation cause sometimes guys need a second chance to shine (especially nervous ones).

LND suggested a lunch date, since his work schedule has him chained to a desk between the hours of 2pm to 11pm, and by chance he works just steps from my office on the Upper East Side – bonus bonus – not only am I on the UES but it is also home to MANY yummy critically acclaimed charming eateries. Quickly we exchanged emails confirming the date and time and cuisine, Chinese. Fantastic Chinese. I was certain he would then offer Tao or any other quaint Asian bistro as our second date local - but wow was I off. He is taking me to China Fun, FREAKIN’ CHINA FUN!!!! China Fun home to the $7.00 greasy lunch special, are you kidding me? This is how you use your second chance, this is how you court a 40 year old woman? Yet again this is NOT about money (the guy makes money) this is about respect and courtship and having a CLUE. There are a BILLION places on the UES he could choose that would be lovely and charming and NOT expensive but by selecting a takeout joint for a second date he is basically stating – you’re not worth a reservation, a cloth napkin or flatware.

So much to decide between now and Thursday, egg roll, soup or soda…. Hmmmmm?

(PS sorry for the lack of funny images, my computer is sad today).

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