Sunday, October 21, 2012

It’s Not Me – It’s You

Dr. Head blew up my mind this week when she laid down this little nugget of information, mean people DO make you feel badly and nice people DO make you feel good – cause that’s how relationships work, your emotions are effected by others’ actions and  words.  What the What, Dr. Head? What about all that mumbo jumbo that is spewed about  - don’t let others dictate your moods, it's not others' responsibility to make you happy, be strong and pull yourself up by your boot straps?  Isn't it my responsibility to build up immunity to others' nastiness? Isn't it me who should adjust to their behavior and take responsibility for my apparent emotional weakness?

As I unraveled the details of dating Mr. Woods, trying not to sound like a brainless tween in full gushing mode, Dr. Head sat quietly (as she does) listening as I spiraled through my litany  of justifications as to why I KNEW I shouldn’t be happy. I admitted that I knew better than to use Mr. Wood’s sweet kindness to cure me of my gloom and that I knew it was wrong to soothe my battered self esteem with the warmth from his tender touch, blah blah blah… As I paused to inhale and conjure more intellectual rationalizations Dr. Head interjected her insight, enabling me to see a new truth, the truth that assholes in my life ARE to blame for making me sad when they project their assholeness onto me, and if someone makes me happy then Hooray celebrate it, don’t poo poo it and devalue my gleefulness as an “easy fix”.  After she said it, it all seemed so simple, so logical, and my eyes welled up releasing heavy wet tears as the weight of full control over my emotional responsibility floated out of my body. 

So here I am accepting my cheery disposition and not concerning myself as to who is doing the heavy lifting to get me there. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s a whole bunch of people who are in my life, maybe it’s a yummy combo of both, but it really doesn’t matter ….. and so continues my new practice of just letting go and enjoying the ride.

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