Monkeys and Hairdryers

Unless you live under a rock or outside the NY City limits (see: “living under a rock”) you are as terrified as I regarding the bedbug infestation currently kicking Manhattan’s ass.

Bedbugs are shacking up and shutting the doors at Victoria's Secret, Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, The Time Warner Center, and the Times Square AMC. Even our beloved Empire State Building has reported a case of the creepy crawlies. There have been many speculations as to why we are in such dire straits but most experts point their bloodied nub of a gnawed finger at the illegalization of DDT. Thanks late 1970’s earth loving hippies for fighting the good fight against carcinogens, but REALLY does it make me a bad person because I would rather trade the extinction of the bald eagle for a lifetime free of nocturnal parasites feeding off my flesh?

Face it bedbugs are our new modern reality but since we are battling them old school (Holla to the Middle Ages homes!) several exterminating companies have employed bedbug sniffing beagles to determine whether or not a business or abode is contaminated. Yes even the uber posh Bergdorf Goodman’s has employed a full time pooch to patrol the premises after dark for fear that some globetrotting Euro shopper deposited an offending bloodsucker in their sparkling tower of consumption.

The following is an actual phone conversation between my mother and me regarding the use of beagles in the battle to eradicate the Manhattan bedbug plague.

Me: Did you hear that Bergdorf’s is using a beagle to sniff out bedbugs?

Mom: Really? All they have to do is turn up the heat to 140 degrees to kill them all.

Me: No Mom, you need direct heat like a hair dryer.

Mom: Oh well then what they need is a monkey.

Me: A monkey?

Mom: Of course a monkey. The dog can only sniff out the bugs; you need the monkey to shoot them with the hair dryer.

Me: Oh right, maybe the monkey could ride ON the dog?

Mom: He could but you would need a saddle.

Me: Like in the circus, monkeys always ride on dogs.

Mom: Yes, monkeys love riding dogs; it is very natural for them.

Me: I think I would need a cordless hairdryer though.

Mom: No just get one with a long cord, it will be fine.

Me: Nah then I would have to train the monkey to plug and unplug the dryer and it would probably get tangled.

Mom: Ah you are right a cordless hair dryer is a good idea. Oh and you should gaff tape the hairdryer to the monkey, that way he doesn’t lose it. You can’t trust a monkey with a hairdryer.

Me: That sounds cruel.

Mom: Monkeys are Ok with that, they have lots of fur. He probably won’t even feel it.

Me: I could probably get a monkey on Craig’s List.

Mom: I am certain Craig’s List has monkeys. You should get one of those nice organ grinder monkeys. I haven’t seen an organ grinder since the 30’s so there must be MANY available monkeys looking for work.

Me: Yes those old Italian guys with their organ grinders. Maybe I could get a monkey with a fez.

Mom: Now G don’t be ridiculous, the last thing you want is an Italian monkey. Just get yourself a nice simple American monkey, you are making this all too complicated.

Me: Sorry.
The conversation concluded with mom’s monkey training instructions, “Monkey see, monkey do” and monkey/dog security, “Keep them in your apartment, youdon’t want people stealing them. You are gonna have yourself one hot commodity!”