Too Unique for Algorithms

This past Sunday during a slump of mid winter blahs I had the sudden urge to tempt the mighty waters of internet dating (again). I’ve been on hiatus for the past 3 months, just enough time to refocus and reignite my passion for the inane, so I logged onto EHarmony (I could not summon enough energy to rent my sole to Match.com) and in seconds I was checking the “Matching ON” box and submitting my new debit card information. Now all I had to do was sit back and let the robot love monkeys of the world wide web locate 5 suitable matches that connected to my 29 character points outlined in my lengthy personality quiz.

In the past Eharmony hasn’t really been on target, nor have they matched me with members who were paid active subscribers, but I was matched nevertheless. This time though, I got nothing! Out of the tens of thousands of members they could not locate ONE man to fit my niche. This is totally bizzaro because they are using the same personal info from just 3 months ago (when I was receiving matches) the only difference is that in the past 90 days I turned 39. Really EHarmony, are you gonna get all ageist on me?

With my ego gently bruised I took to Google and queried “EHarmony no matches” searching for the answer to my apparent anti-datable dilemma. Not surprisingly many people have the same issue or worse, they get denied service from EHarmony because they are so severely unmatchable- yikes. The majority of web blabber focused on the possibility that EHarmony does not look kindly on perspective matches who are TOO open to dating diversity. Tell me more… well the theory goes like this, EH is all about marriage (not dating) so if you rate things such as number of children, marital status,race,religion as ‘not important’ you are more likely to fall to the bottom of the list. Seems a bit counter intuitive to me. I thought by broadening my circle of acceptable matches I would have a greater chance of finding somebody – but that is NOT what EH wants from you. They want you to say I am White, and I only want to date white people and this is VERY important to me. Ughhh, how tiresome.

So I returned to my “preferences” page (you can never update your personality quiz but you can edit your matching preferences) and instead of choosing ALL under religion I chose just 4 basic Judeo–Christian options then clicked Very Important. However I was a bit confused because I was unsure if it meant that it was Very Important to me that I was Jewish, or if it meant that may match’s religion should be Very Important to them, or if it was Very Important to me that my match be one of the religions I chose. After over analyzing that whole mishegas I opened my search area to 60 miles (from 20) – I hope the guy owns a vehicle – and waited.

Now I am mid way through day 4 and still EHarmony has yet to find one man who can match my ‘kick ass-ness’. Whatever EHarmony, you obviously have a dearth of exceptionaly marginal lame gents who could never intrigue me anyways. Suck it!