So ya know how like when you skip lunch then you get so hungry that you want to eat your face so you blow up GrubHub ordering a poo-poo platter of nine separate delivery options then gorge for 6 minutes until you realize that you should have JUST eaten lunch and avoided this overload of emptiness , well that’s how I feel about not blogging since February.

I have a billion things I want to share with you about my break from internet dating, my hunt to buy an apartment, my  (x) co-worker putting a hit out on my ass, and my surprise super nice guy ‘thing’ that grew out of that Autumnal drunken hook up, but unfortunately it’s all so overwhelming and I’ll never get through it all sooooo… let’s just do bullet points.

• Red told me to STOP internet dating – so I did. Boom. Red like Swason is always right, do not ignore their advice.
• Faced with my imminent doom of dying alone and broke without savings or family my Mother offered financial help towards an apartment purchase. It was either that or have me sob inessentially on her foyer rug as I downward spiraled into a black funk bucket of realities that I did not want to face. Even though it was a cold harsh winter my mother realized that she would need to exit the house at some point and my limp sobbing body curled up in fetal position on her threshold would really harsh her lifestyle.  HOUSE HUNT ON!
• Mafia Wife Co-Worker’s crazy ratio hit 100 parts per 100 and was fired, wait there’s more – somehow I am a liar and a fraud (yep fraud) so I must pay for her dismissal. Google search term “Harassment”.
• Friday, my drunken one nighter has become my drunken 220 nighter. It’s fun and easy, the communication is open, we eat and drink yummy things, and we laugh. Now if I can make it through August without him dumping my ass I will break the curse that has hounded me the past TWO Augusts. I do have my doubts that I will make it to Labor Day with Friday still listed as a “favorite” in my contacts only for the fact that he JUST began his full time gig last week and ya know how the guys get with me – once they get that job – they are OUT!

Now that we are all caught up you can look forward to posts about bathroom tile, random financially motivated anxiety attacks, paint colors and cheese. In a perfect world there is always cheese. 

Close it Down!

Yesterday my 6 month paid membership to Match.com expired leaving me with $150 less in my bank account, 117 unanswered emails and the memories of a single awesome date that begun with my suitor jamming two fingers up into my hooch because 1 – YOU ARE WEARING A SKIRT, you obviously WANT to be publicly digitally stimulated (language edited for blog censors) and 2 – “That’s just the way I am, I’m spontaneous and ALL you women in New York City are crazy, irrational, uptight, and hate sex. If you ALL didn’t have these crazy ass rules that no man could ever understand (like NOT allowing a stranger’s hand in my lady parts) you ALL wouldn’t be so  angry and single.” 
WOW I got all that truth dumped on me even before he bought me a glass of wine! Really dude, pace yourself. Maybe us ladeez wouldn’t be all bitches if you sauced us up first, rookie move. Well that’s what I get for accepting a date from a 44 year old recently divorced finance guy.

To punctuate this auspicious day my personal virtual cupid dumped these final electronic flirtations into my now defunct Match.com inbox.

1 - how are you?? Would you like to talk or text or chat or whatever you would like to call it?

2 – Hi GorgeousI am Daniel from new york city feel free to email me and chat with me. I'm at my contact id *dsteven875* on im .....i noticed that online marriages are turning out to be successful and so i decided to give it a trial.., l need someone who will cherish me and be willing to share joys and sorrows. Someone who's willing to spoil, pamper and love me unconditionally,all l need here is honest woman who s gonna love and cares for me with all her heart......my yahoo dsteven875 @yahoo.com

3 - Hi Gorgeous,. How was your day at work ? , i saw your profile here I love to talk, listen , laugh, play around, joke, and to always have a good time... I'm a decent and loves to meet new people, and laugh, i dont care about the distance or races...... send me your email address or your mobile line so we can talk better

So much to comment on here but the BIG IDEA, as they call it in lesson planning, the main take a way, is I’m gorgeous. No really I am, or at the very least strikingly photogenic in my bathroom selfies. Thanks Match.com for never failing to lower my expectations of the metro area’s male dating population.

HAPPY VALENTIN’S DAY
XOX

Your drop dead gorgeous G

I Got The Power

Since last post I’ve enjoyed two Appalachian Mountain Club outings (it should have been 3, but I’ll get to that), I bought a bike and I got back into the game with TWO online dates.

My AMC weekend at Fire Island was joyful, inspiring and just a good old kick ass time with a bunch of people who DO stuff. There were a dozen adventurers however these people were SO active I felt like a lazy nub in a swamp, good thing I at least had my recent 10k victory to add to the accomplishments pile cause otherwise I would have been low lady on the amazing persons totem pole. By the end of the weekend I gained a few more friends, was not presented with ONE summons for the various and innumerable misdemeanors I committed and I also had some bad ass raw inner thumbs from killing it like an Olympic rower in the kayak.

Next up was my first AMC hike in Harriman, it was a gloomy gray day but warm so I pulled on my hiking skirt, deet-ed up and headed on out with great expectations of meeting another set of powerful happy people. Well let’s just say THIS group of AMCers were a little too over confident in their athletic abilities to handle a such a hike and MUCH too underprepared to remain jolly – oh well they all can’t be winners. BUT I did get to flirt with the burly bartender/ outdoorsman group leader for 6 hours and I made a new outdoorsy friend who, like me, is an overachieving newbee wanna do everything action girl.

After the hike I contacted both Mr. Leader and Action Girl, guess which one wanted to see more of me? Yeah, Mr. Leader… not so much. Anyways Action Girl invited me on a 25 mile bike ride along the Old Croton Aqueduct on Oct. 27^th to which I instinctively typed “YES I will do that!” then immediately bought a bike, bike tights, gloves, helmet, jacket, etc… and started riding. Those of you who KNOW me know that all I need is the suggestion of an action for me to get on board and DO it. One of my other AMC palls responded to my admission of being susceptible to gentle suggestion with, “I’ll invite you on a horseback riding and homemade whiskey hike, you'll need a horse, waspy gear and a peat bog!” Damn my kitchen is gonna be tight with my bike AND a pony.

The two internet dates/ meetings were not even worth my lip gloss application. Both men fell head over heels in LUST for me the moment my gams crossed the room. One thought it best to lead with talk of his penis girth while the other just threw caution to the wind and thrust his hand up my skirt and into my crotch. His explanation, he likes to “live in the moment” oh and I was so hot he couldn’t help himself. Now that’s a way to romance a lady. Penis Girth really sealed the deal when he took a call from his mother while I was in the WC so when I returned I was present for his profanity filled regret to his Mother’s invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. I love a man who screams at his mother at a bar – HOT! After hanging up he paused and asked, “So I guess my chances of making out with you right now are kinda low, right?”

There is hope on the horizon, as there always is in my Pollyanna sunshine filled optimistic world, Melba has a cute co-worker buddy (black hair/ blue eyes… yummmm) that she is trying to convince to call me – unfortunately my Facebook awesomeness has less than inspired him to reach out. I gotta start posting photos of me enjoying a chocolate shake and cheeseburger on my couch… not so daunting. AND one of my Mom’s yenta friends has given my number to a local newly divorced friend of the family in hopes that she scores a match, she has done this before with no result, but maybe this time……

Back to my not a hike yesterday. After gearing up and arriving at Port Authority 45 minutes before

my scheduled bus departure I somehow never boarded a bus. Yep me and a troupe of 3 others waited and waited and then waited some more for the 8:15am to Nyack but it never showed. Of course Adventure Girl was waiting for me in Nyack but even after I explained that NOBODY got on the bus I think she assumed I was a numb nut and began to second guess our burgeoning friendship. Proof of my ding-a-ling status, last night she sent me an email with detailed instructions regarding how to access Grand Central Terminal along with the train schedule and an offer to help in any way she can if I have trouble with navigating the train system. GOOD LORD how did I mess this up? I AM THE TRANSIT QUEEN! Damn I am gonna have to be a super star on Sunday. Maybe I should bake cookies?

 

 

Redemption Run

I’ve borrowed my title from Swason’s running blog, recently she found redemption in a glorious run following a spirit breaking unsuccessful workout and I this morning was redeemed by my run after being bogged down in un-dating gunk.

I fell in love this morning with my city, my spirit and my body. The moon was electric before dawn; its startling white light pierced my heavy drapes welcoming me to the day at 4:45am. I stretched and prepped and hoped that 56 degrees would not feel SO shockingly awful.

When I pranced down my bock in the cover of early morning darkness I felt like an authentic competitor, a true athlete and I filled with pride at the strength of my legs and lungs. I headed west a few blocks as the black sky morphed into deep purple and the moon turned a creamy ecru. Once again I switched direction and now facing east I could see the dawn breaking ever so softly as my muscles warmed and my feet sprang forward.

  

Mid run I circle around two ‘garden’ blocks flanked with tidy post war brick homes. The streets are desolate in the early hours allowing me the opportunity to run on the forgiving asphalt through a tunnel of giant leafy trees. I circle 4 times in my private urban forest glen until the sky bursts with color and I take off due west.

My city was decked out for me this morning; she glistened in golds and pinks. Her skyline was shimmering as the moon, my moon, posed like a giant pink grapefruit directly behind the Empire State Building’s spire and the silvery elevated train slide by reflecting the amber of the warming sun setting it aglow like a mechanical comet across my most beautiful city scape.

I ran fast, faster than I ever had at this distance, it was all good, everything was fitting.

My final push is up a hill, an arduous task that covers ½ mile and reduces my pace to a fast

walk, but T-bone said it's good to run hills so I do it. I thought of my first run just weeks ago when the Greek Yaya cheered me on as I melted into the sidewalk and the LL Cool J celebrity double who flashed me the brightest smile, tossed me a thumbs up and shouted “YES”, the super in the building next door who after every run welcomes me to my block like I was a victorious Olympian, and then I thought of you, all of you. All of you who have cheered, supported, and offered up most wonderful advice. I thought of all the emails and texts I’ve received with words of encouragement and confessions of wanting to get back to doing ‘something’ and feeling inspired by my enthusiasm. I thought of all that good stuff and I choked up, as I’m doing now as I type this. My throat tightened and my lunges seized as the happy tears filled my eyes and gratitude filled my soul. From my dearest friends to strangers on the street you ALL want me to succeed and I thought….. why the HELL do I care about these idiotic strangers on these maddening dating sites? I have so many wonderful people in my life who can make my heart burst with happiness just by the mere thought of them. Red was right, I need to pause the internet man search.  I do not deserve to feel dejected and heartsick because of these mysterious non-existent men, I have to get off the dating sites and just live for a moment. I do feel that if I’m not looking for my datee then the parade will pass me by but the alternative is too destructive, I’m too strong and powerful for this nonsense – I'M A RUNNER!

At mile 5.5 with my new non-dating plan tucked into my silky running shorts I swallowed back my tears and thought WWSD (what would Swason do) well she would say, “G if you die of a happy tears induced asthma attack I will kick you in the face.” BTW -Swason has repeatedly threatened me with this remedy over the years regarding a diverse set of problems and it’s always worked. So I did it, 6.3 miles at my best pace ever and you all were there with me – redemption is MINE!

I ain’t gonna lie – No actually I am

On Friday I was overwhelmed with frustration due to my lack of dating prospects. Last fall my dates were low quality but they were still dates. Being a pragmatic problem solver I compared my 2012 dating profile with my 2013 profile and discovered whamo, I am an idiot, I’m being fully truthful in my posting.

 Last year I posted a truthful profile requesting a casual good time with an adventurous man. Sweets jumped on board, I got what I wanted  and it was tons of fun. We both agreed that we didn’t want a serious relationship, just sex and fun, however after 7 months he informed me that he was the only one who wanted the non-committed funtastic dating scheme, I was actually lying to myself because I deserved a serious relationship which unfortunately he couldn’t give me AND even if it was true that I only wanted a good time part time guy and that I was telling the truth when I said I would be cool with him dating other women he couldn’t give me that either because he was so stressed out with “life issues” that he shouldn't date anybody. Ok fly be free Sweets, it was a fun run and even though 3 weeks ago you said we were so amazing together that you didn’t want it to end and that you would work at making time for us to do things, I respect your honesty after an apparent serious self-reflection process.
 
I watched him walk away and for a moment I felt happy and relieved that he broke up with me to focus on mending his messed up life. That moment of contented sympathy was short lived cause it was all a lie. The truth was while he was dumping my juicy fun time no strings attached ass that comforted him through his miserable winter and spring he was already head over heels courting another woman. Newbee isn’t involved in a non committed fun time casual dating situation, she is participating in a serious exclusive relationship. Is that what he wanted all along? Why didn’t he say anything? I thought we were on the same page? What was with the LYING?! I thought I set up a dating scenario where lying would be obsolete, he was free to do whatever he wanted (just not throw it in my face or take away from my adventure time) yet oddly even with that loosey goosey setup he infused our dating situation with a heap of lies including the night he broke up with me.

Anyways back to internet dating. After the dump (before the lying was exposed) I thought, thank goodness for Sweets, dating him was a wonderful learning experience for now I knew what to ask for when penning a dating profile.  I still wanted fun as per 2012 but I needed to weed out the guys who like Sweets were “unavailable”. So I crafted a truthfully honest posting that stressed how dating was a serious priority in my life and not only did I want a ton of raunchy romping I also wanted outdoor adventures, cozy evenings cooking together, wine tastings, brewery tours, seaside afternoons with BBQ and bonfires, days spent sipping champagne watching polo or sailing, mountains with snow and bright city nights dancing into the wee hours, I wanted shared experiences with a partner who could openly incorporate me into his life so I could shout from the roof tops, “I’M PART OF A RELATIONSHIP!!!” I was not interested in getting married or having children, I just needed a man who could share his time with me because I expected to DO things with him.

 Then I let the truth sit out there, and sit and sit and sit.   I’m into week 6 now and I’ve gotten nothing, not even a glass of wine with a lame ass guy. Last week I received this response from a perspective datee, “I read your profile, you seem cool. How much of it is lies?” Huh, what?Why would I lie in my posting? Who does that? Well according to this guy, EVERYBODY does it, guys, women, everybody. It’s just what you DO. CRAP now you tell me! I know I am not savvy to the whole relationship thing and I’m an eternal optimist but I didn’t know I was SO behind the eight ball. New plan….

Maybe this truth thing is a fools game? Maybe I need a new truth, a truth that is not so truthful if my goal is to date a man in the Metro New York area.

I say FUCK that truth, toss out all that time sharing and 'doing" stuff. Who needs my truth, obviously not the men reading my profile. Fine I will change my truth; I will say one thing and do another to get what I want.  You want kids? You want to be married? Hey so do I!  I’ll make it really easy, strip away everything else and just lay down this truth – Truthfully I need a cocktail and some major canoodling  - full stop.

I can lie to myself and  be perfectly happy having a good time with a charming man who pays attention to me when we are together, makes a date and keeps it, and when we are apart I couldn’t care less what he’s up to, secrets are good. Just ignite my emotions with your passionate words, paw at me hungrily with your meaty hands, kiss me deeply with soft lips, don't drive me crazy with manipulative confusion, and ravish me on your Manhattan rooftop.

Everybody says that I deserve more, FUCK YES I DESERVE MORE but that doesn’t make it true or real. I’ll pack away that goal of doing fun outdoorsy stuff with a date; I can fulfill that goal with my AMC group or friends. I’ll cook my own dinner while I shake my booty to my Salt N Peppa Pandora station in my kitchen and I’ll cuddle my couch cushion -it's not the same as a man and it sucks but it's the real honest truth. 

Unfortunately I’m a combo of realism and impatience, the guy who may be everything for me all the time MAY exist but dang if I know where he is and when he will show up.  In the meanwhile I can’t just sit around and wait; there is FUN to be had. Yes a healthy balanced dinner is what one deserves but if all I have is ice cream then I'm eating it. I'm not going to sit here and starve on principal because the optimal nutritional option is out of my reach.

I'll compartmentalize, hot sexy stuff with part time whomever and "doing" stuff with the social groups. SURE in a perfect truthful world there would be one guy who could fulfill both my dating goals (and take out my air conditioners) but for the past 20+ years that guy still remains a pipedream. I'm up for joining the dark side, enough with this wide-eyed innocent  transparent truth crap,  I'm hopping on the liar train. Every guy who has contributed to my dating/ hook up/ fun time/ history has been a liar and they are all in committed relationships, I don’t know why I’m fighting it.  I’ll lie to myself about what I need and deserve and I’ll lie to my dates as well cause as far as I can see the liars have much more fun and I can’t wait around another 20 years for fun.

I will always remember my conversation with Dr. Head after my first date with Sweets. 

Me: "I think he is lying to me."

Dr. "Why?"

Me: "He tells me all kinds of things that that make me really happy. He's in sales so I feel like he's studying me and saying the things that he should say to catch me."

Dr."So, he says things that make you happy, why would that be a lie? Maybe he just wants to make you happy."

Me:"I don't know, maybe he does mean it?"

Dr: "You will never know for certain. Just enjoy the nice things he says until you don't."

Dating Should Feel Easy...

…like a monkey driving a speedboat.

WHY is it so difficult? No don’t answer that, I know why it is so difficult because I cannot control the universe or foretell what my future will be and THAT is what eats at my brain. Truly if I knew for a fact that I would be dateless for 1 month, 1 year, 10 years but THEN I would be with an amazing gent who knocked my sox off THEN I could just exhale sit back and let the waves of the world wash over me until the moment that I rein victorious in my endless search. But NO that is not how the world works, there is no pre-set plan, I have to make my own plan and good gosh damn it – I just wanna shake somebody!

Ladle into that barrel of monkeys that you call a head and scoop out and image monkey.

Oh image monkey bring him to me. Use your wise monkey magic that churns beneath your mini fez to reveal the time that I can STOP trolling the internets in search of my guy.

Now let that image monkey drive a speedboat and you…. you water-ski behind it!

Yes, I’m there monkey, drive faster. Tow me to a place where my weary head and heart can find peace and adventure – yes adventure is peaceful when you are a restless soul as me. I CRAVE movement and change and travel and action – and there lies my next problem - it’s the energy. If I was a lame toad on a log I would be very content in a plodding life but I am not SIR!

Side note – I think I want – no – need a grilled cheese. Yes a grilled cheese will fix this and well maybe some sliced tomato. MONKEY?! I’m taking my pants off and lighting the torches.  Bring me the toasted melted cheese sandwich, posthaste!

 

I found shelter on the speedboat and I thought here’s where I belong, just me and my speedboat, Merrily We Roll Along.

 

Start putting it together...

5 Weeks into internet dating 2013 and it’s dismal. 30 + emails, winks and likes sent = ONE response from a man who after 2 emails declined my offer of a drink because I am a self-proclaimed happy morning person and he is not. Ok good to know your limits dude. I’ve accepted 3 dates, all of which have not come to fruition. The first date I canceled was for a cup of coffee (really men, coffee?) after the best café the guy could choose was the Grand Central Terminal Starbucks and he texted me an unsolicited naked bathroom mirror shot – good to know MY limits. The second date I canceled was due to an unsolicited phone call two days prior to drinks date when the guy lectured me for 15 min. about all the things HE loves to do that I will love to do with him because he just TOLD me that I love to do those things – things like attending an all night movie marathon followed by eating chicken and waffles at 1am then staying in bed for a day to sleep it off - and no. The last date I accepted was ummmm…. ignored. HEY I know this trick, invite me out then when I accept disappear and forget that you invited me, wow that sounds like my last relationship – FUN!

The thing that is killing me is that I am at the best place in my life, I’m happy and healthy and so energized to do stuff and I cannot for the life of me find a man who wants to DO anything with me,  it’s driving me bonkers. I’m not shy or introverted, I dress well, my hair ROCKS, My curves are kicking (and these new adventure legs are HOT), I smell good and I have a TON of interesting stories/ hobbies/ interests and guys really like me … once I get out in front of them, and there is my problem, there are NO men in my world for me to WOW. So new plan….

A vision's just a vision
If it's only in your head.
If no one gets to see it,
It's as good as dead.
It has to come to light!

I’m joining groups, groups that DO stuff, mostly outdoorsy hiking camping groups cause I like to that AND guys like to do that so that will get me some face time with at least ONE man (I hope) and then that guy may know a guy and so on and so on and so on.

Bit by bit,
Putting it together...
Piece by Piece

The Tuesday after Labor Day I signed up for MeetUp.com – never heard of it but it seems like it could work. I chose about a half dozen NYC meet up groups that do stuff from Stand Up Paddle boarding to portable bicycling (bicycles supplied) to hiking and just hanging out at beer gardens… yumm beer. Also on Tuesday I signed up for my FIRST  10K! With Swason on board to be my jogging mate (as long as her little sister doesn’t go into labor 1 day early) I’m sure it will be an early morning filled with celebration and tears of joy.

Every moment makes a contribution,
Every little detail plays a part.
Having just a vision's no solution,
Everything depends on execution:
Putting it together- That's what counts!

By Wednesday I was attending an open house for The AppalachianMountain Club (AMC) where I was so enthused by the prospect of DOING things I plunked down my Visa card and signed on the line. I am now a card carrying member of the AMC and will attend my first event the weekend after my 10K. Of course now that I’m an official member of a mountain club I need stuff, like boots and socks so  - ORDER IN! However as my first foray into the AMC world I thought I should go with something I know so I signed up for the Fire Island English Pub Weekend at the AMC beach house, duh beer, sand and ocean … no brainer. Fingers crossed I won’t be dorming with a bunch of gray haired hippies and even if I am maybe they have a single corporate money making “black sheep” son/ nephew/ x-husband whom they wanna pawn off on me.

Having just a vision's no solution,
Everything depends on execution.
The art of making LIFE
Is putting it together
Bit by bit...

In Search Of

After Monday night’s farewell I thought I would give myself a few days/ weeks of quiet time before hopping aboard the wonder wheel of internet dating but instead within 14 hours I decided not only to reinstate my free OKCupid account but I did something that I haven’t done in years, I signed up for a 6 month paid membership on Match.com. Match.com you soul sucking bank account eating tease, I hate you so but I have no other choice, I’m pulling out the big guns and hitting this shit hard.

I want my person, I don’t know where he is or when I’ll find him but I really want him. Sweets was never my person, I knew that by the end of March, but it was OK, there was fun and lots of shared wonderful moments even if he never looked at me with ravenous wolf eyes or grabbed me at the door after not seeing me for weeks, then threw me to the ground to ravage me. I want to be a man’s perfect embodiment of womanhood, I want to be his #1, not his #36, when we’re apart I want him to think, “Wow I wish Gail was here, this would be much more fun with her sharing in this.” And I want to fall crazy head over heels for him and I want him to be ridiculous for me as well.

I cried Tuesday, hard, and truthfully my eyes are welling up as I type this now, not because Sweets and I aren’t dating but because of the situation, because I really DO deserve to have the best and I’m at the peak of my life, feeling the strongest/ healthiest I have ever felt with an abundance of energy and happiness and I just want to share that.  Side note, having the spinning instructor surprise you with a new song during the most difficult part of the class and that song be a slow broken hearted love duet really does some good work for purging one’s emotion. Thank goodness the room was dark and the music was booming cause I was falling apart, full heaving ugly face weeping with the tears mixing with my face sweat (hot, I know). I was rather impressed with my lung capacity though; it is kinda bad ass to be bawling uncontrollably while climbing a major hill in spin class, just saying.

Using the knowledge I learned from the men I’ve met I decided to update my online dating profile to reflect my true needs and wants in hopes that it weeds out the men who just aren’t available to give me what I desire. For your reading pleasure I have included an excerpt below – enjoy.

Lastly, yesterday morning I got a little surprise boost to the ego when Mr. Woods popped up on my OkCupid instant messenger. Mr. Woods has permanently relocated to Zurich but is still on the prowl. We exchanged small talk before I had to race out the door but even within our hurried chat Mr. Woods was able to squeeze in some very flattering memories of me – it’s nice to be remembered, especially as a drop dead sexy goddess.

Online Dating Excerpt:

I have time, energy, creativity, and no anchors weighing me down or holding me back to get out and GO (I don't even own a houseplant). I want to do things, go places, DATE and have a vat full of raucous laughter doing it. I am independent, I have traveled, dined, attended social events, explored, etc... on my own but now I want to share all kinds of super fun things with a man I am dating , therefor if you do not have the availability in your heart/ head/ schedule to share time and adventures then I would not be a good prospective dating partner.

(other stuff)

I need a man to date who has space in his life to incorporate another. At this age many people come with other people (ex's, kids, elderly parents, overwhelming careers etc...) and that is par for the course however please understand your time limitations, if your dance card is already full with other commitments I would not be a good match for you. I am not interested in getting married or having kids, now is my time for wondrous escapades and rip roaring fun and I would like to share that with a man who has the time and energy to hit it!

Truthiness

Sweets and I are no longer dating. It’s been coming for a while, I sensed things were off following his Easter visit with his family but I tried not to dwell on his withdrawal and chalked it up to his overwhelming stress load. I worked hard at not stressing him out, probably too hard. Dating should not be that difficult, but even when I pointedly asked, “Do you still want to spend time with me? Because it really feels like there is an imbalance between us.” Sweets apologized and vowed that he truly did WANT to spend time with me and do all the fun things he posited during the cold dark winter months. So I stayed and believed in his plans of warm sun on our skin as we sailed to the private Connecticut island beaches. He spoke of grand plans for us together, all wonderful and filled with adventure but as the weeks of May and June flew by I saw Sweets less and less and when the weekends arrived with my heart and head filled with anticipation of all the riches I was promised  I was shockingly dumped into the pit of disappointment as my plan for a tumultuous weekend of good and plenty  revealed itself  for the reality that it was - alone time for me in Queens while Sweets escaped to regions beyond the state line. By the end of June, I knew, well I suspected, because the one thing I can never shake is my enthusiastic optimism, that I had been sold faulty goods.

I posed the question out right, I gave him the opportunity to come clean and tell me that he didn’t have space in in his life for me. It would be a hard pill to swallow but better to take the pill then to continue dating a man who could not / would not make any time for me. This is my blog so I’m going to toot my own horn now, I AM AMAZING TO DATE! I have two big dating wants, I want to have sexy time and I want to DO really fun things. Done. I don’t care about fidelity or commitment or a relationship, I don’t want to get married or have kids, crap damn it we never even said we were boyfriend and girlfriend – I don’t care. I never even asked Sweets to help paint my kitchen or install my 2 window AC units or even take a drive with me to Home Depot –  all I wanted him him to do was make time do the things HE WANTED TO DO with me . Long story longer Sweets realized his wrong doings, apologized and said that he didn’t want to stop dating me and that beyond a doubt wanted to do things with me just not all those things he talked about cause umm…. sometimes he runs his mouth without thinking.  OK that’s cool.  And I promised to lower my expectations and help with getting plans onto paper and facilitate the remainder of our Summer/ Fall adventure schedule. Whew all is swell, isn’t it nice to have a good adult check in and get our dating back on track! Now off with Sweets for the month of July while his kids are in town and we’ll reunite in August with my monthly planner in hand.

Oh it’s August, already? Great, we had a good break and now I can’t wait to get our schedule down in black and white, so much to do and see and …. Oh … what?
Last night Sweets dropped the truth hard, he was wrong, he thought he could make space for me but he can’t so he needed to breakup with me. There were clues it was gonna happen last night, small clues that I tried to contort into signs of happy good things to come, but in the end my nagging thought that the finale was near was the thought that rang true.

We walked and talked and laughed and reminisced about all the super fun that we shared over the past 7-8 months. I vented (which was good) and he apologized and we both agreed that I deserved better (funny that’s exactly what Mr. Invisible said when he broke up with me last Aug.). I was so ready for this breakup that no tears were shed until we spoke of the good times, that’s the difficult part for me, remembering all the GOOD, cause there was so much and I did so many new things, rock wall climbing, snowshoeing, hiking, camping, and because of Sweets’ enthusiasm and overwhelming support for my physical strength I feel that I could conquer anything so I began jogging and spinning and now stand up paddle boarding.

We are friends, we will be friends, we both care about each other and have such fun that to throw it all away now would be fool hardy. I did warn Sweets though now that we are friends and he’s a member of Team Gail (it takes a village)  he’s going  be called upon for services (he’s already promised to remove my air conditions) and also cause he’s a friend  I’m going to tell him when he’s being a dumb ass.

After burgers and beers we hugged and said we would hang out soon and I really hope we do, the guy doesn’t have the nick-name Sweets for no reason. I’m just glad that not only was he finally truthful to me but he was truthful to himself.

Facebook Friend or Foe

Immediately after posting my last blog I stumbled upon Sweet’s Facebook page. And by “stumbled upon” I mean easily discovered after engaged in an active search. At 42 years of age you would THINK I would be able to temper my emotions and rein in my downward spiral of doom after snooping into places I have not been invited. But NOPE, I still have enough of my tragically insecure 16 year old girly pink matter crammed up there in my scull along with the gray which tends to take over in cases such as these to drive me absolutely batty.

As I flipped through multiple photos of wine bars and jazz clubs featuring various women I began to doubt my strengthening position in our burgeoning dating scheme. It wasn’t that I was disturbed by the dates (I would be a hypocrite to cry Scoundrel! - considering what went down with one of NYs bravest) no, what made my heart ache was that I was missing from the lineup. Seriously THIS is what made me sad, the fact that a guy that I’m dating did not have OUR dates posted publically for all to comment. All my insecurity came rushing in, flooding my head and my heart with thoughts and emotions all skewed to destroy my warm fuzzy feelings of excitement and new romantic opportunities and replace them with thoughts of “You’re not attractive”, “He’s embarrassed of you”, “He’s using you”, “Sure you are fun BUT he would rather be seen in public with these other women.”…. Blah blah blah…

Yes in reality there could be TONS of reasons why I’m vacant on his Facebook and as an adult I shouldn’t care. But how the heck do you un-SEE things you shouldn’t have been looking at in the first place? Meanwhile while I was drowning in the minutia of each comment and photo tag, Sweets inadvertently drove me further into my box of crazy by going completely MIA – yep no contact, full on radio silence. My sadness quickly moved to anger then by Saturday morning (after evaluating three days of carousing posted publically on Facebook) shifted gears directly into disinterest.

By Saturday afternoon Sweets rang my phone and low key plans were made for that evening. I was not optimistic or overly enthusiastic BUT I promised myself I would arrive in full Gee Happy Puppy form and give it my best shot, even if my head was a jumble of images and comments that were not intentioned for my eyes.

Sweets arrived at my local speakeasy and I can’t be certain if it was the spicy bourbon or his tenderness or a scrumptious combo of both but in moments my angst melted away and I didn’t snap back to the real world until I entered my office Monday morning.

In the end I’m glad I know what I think I know, or at least I’m glad that I saw what I saw. The photos on Facebook tempered my expectations but have not destroyed them. Additionally I will follow Red’s demand that she laid down while talking me off the cliff of self-sabotage Saturday morning, Keep that lid TIGHTLY on your box of crazy, no guy needs to see that….. yet.

I Must Have Done Something Good

Life is going super well, maybe that’s why the blog has been very quiet. Dr. Head is doing wonders for my mood, no tears in MONTHS and she’s great with giving me the tools to deal with unfavorable situations that used to drive my anxiety quotient off the charts. It’s been a hard row to hoe for some but the “new communications plan” that I put into effect is best for me, and that’s how I roll these days.

Along with my good humor the dating goddesses have smiled warmly upon my rosy cheeks and sent me a man who ummmm…. makes my eyes sparkle and my mouth turn into a permanent grin. I think I may be smitten, and I KNOW for sure I am being wooed.

Last I wrote Mr. Woods was making my toes curl with his sexy bad ass ways and smooth charm, but that coolness became cold and the bad ass became boring. Mr. Woods allusive coyness was not worth my time so we let that thing fizzle out. It was fun and Mr. Woods played a HUGE part in resuscitating my swagger but without the proper amount of real live face time my crush quickly petered out. I went on a few more dates; nothing special came of any of them until I met Sweets on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend. Sweets is charming and unassuming but with a solid confidence that really rocks my boat. At first his enthusiastic energy was a bit frantic but quickly it grew on me or maybe his edge softened a bit, either way I’m digging his exuberance and delight in his optimistic cheeriness.

Sweets is my age, divorced father of two, with a career in finance and a head of crimson hair. He seems to delight in my dorky love of all things ridiculous, from our first real date riding the tram to Roosevelt Island to visit the FDR memorial to my habit of breaking into TV jingles from the 70’s. He holds my hand when we walk down the street and helps me on and off with my coat. Doors open, chairs are attended to and the bill is always paid with Sweets commenting, “It’s my privilege to pay the check.” HOW DID I GET HIM?! Will you all allow me to gloat even more and say that the man has a triathlete’s body that intimidates me to shame once we head behind doors “after hours”? CRAP, Sweets is blowing my mind and warming my heart and it frightens me to think of all the ways I could screw this up. I don’t want to screw it up, I want it to keep going and growing and exploring. I try to relax and just let the “liking” happen but it’s so hard for me to believe that it is all so real.

Before my tween like babbling fills 10 more pages of blog I’ll end with this last little tidbit – after our second date Sweets mailed me a hand written note thanking me for a “spectacularly splendid evening”…. Seriously Sweets, you have me fully.

Best and Worst

Over the course of three days I experienced the BEST first date and the WORST first date. As I previously stated Mr. Woods was certainly my best first date ever, he was a gentleman with just the right about amount of raunch, mmmmmm I’m still glowing from that raunch. However Thursday’s mystery date was the absolute opposite of Mr. Woods’ cool sassy charming ways – this guy was insanely inappropriate, rude, delusional, socially inept, and a clueless mess.

I didn’t have high hopes for Clueless prior to the date but I thought he would be at least fun, in a loose cannon kind of way. His pre date emails were entertaining IF at sometimes a little on the inappropriate side. I cut him slack, chalking it up to his age (35) and the habit some guys have of being overly familiar via email. However after he informed me of his venue of choice for our rendezvous I seriously began to realize, Oh crap….. this is gonna be a mess. 

The venue was a bridge and tunnel bar known for “kids” binge drinking water downed cocktails or entry level mass market beer. As Swason said, it’s that bar you go to after you closed down at least 3 other bars and you are so drunk that you have lost all respect for yourself as an adult. I gently informed Clueless that the venue wasn’t “my scene”, omitting the fact that since I didn’t own a pair of sweat pants and Uggs I would feel inappropriately dressed for such an establishment. Clueless was offended at my judgment and scoffed at the 5 other bars that I suggested, he even went as far to tell me that he wasn’t going to take me out to drinks at all since I was so ‘uppity’. Yet again it’s hard to tell over email if he was crazy or LOL JK! :P so when he came back with a new venue option on the UES I agreed to meet him.

I arrived first (of course) and took a seat at the end of the bar. The place was cute however it was still chock full of the 24 year old set that frequents the bars along 2^nd Ave. Clueless arrived moments after I sat down and stood next to me….and that was it. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t look at me, he just motioned to the bartender, ordered a Budweiser and started sipping. I think he thought he was being ‘cool’ and ‘mysterious’ but it was just ridiculous, so much so that I started to laugh at him. He shot me a look and stayed silent, so really there was only one thing for me to do, I motioned to the bartender and ordered a $14 cocktail on Clueless’s tab. I tried to make small talk, asking him questions but he pulled out his phone and started texting. It was the strangest thing ever. It was fully hysterical cause I am convinced that this guy thought he was flirting or playing hard to get, …something. 

 

But as he silently typed it gave me the opportunity to give him the full Gee Scan – bottom to top – Black sneakers, light blue baggy jeans, over-sized untucked wrinkled chambray shirt and a black KNIT TIE!!!! This guy was rocking the denim and denim with a knit tie circa 1985 hanging loosely around his neck with the top three buttons undone on his shirt. It was tragically fantastic, oh and his wrist was bursting with macramé friendship bracelets.

Eight minutes into the date, I had finished my drink in 4 sips and asked, “So you wanna call this done?” Clueless replied, “Nah I’m drinking my beer.” and went back to his phone. I continued to pry, “Do you want to engage me in conversation as people do in social situations?” Clueless, still truly believing he was being charming and aloof retorted, “No, I got nothing to say to you.”  I smiled, grabbed my bag and excused myself to the bathroom where I fired off a facebook status and a text to Swason. I contemplated just walking straight out of the bar but then I realized, fuck he may be the kind of guy who is “packing” (and not in a good way) and I don’t need to be chased down  2^nd avenue by Mr. Texas Tuxedo 2012, I do have my swank reputation to uphold. I returned to the bar as Clueless was closing out the tab, I did a fly by, shot him a quick head nod with an “I’m out.” He followed behind me as I said over my shoulder, “Sometimes you win ‘em, sometimes you lose, it’s a roll of the dice.” and I took off to Lexington Ave. as Swason and I made plans for a massive red wine-fest back in Astoria.

 

As I changed my shoes on the street and laughed about the events of the past 12 minutes Clueless was blowing up my phone with texts, which of course I did not answer, crap I didn’t even open them. Unfortunately Clueless continued the text barrage today nonstop until I engaged the services of AT&T and they dropped the block on his crazy ass, oh Clueless…. you are aptly named.