I ain’t gonna lie – No actually I am

On Friday I was overwhelmed with frustration due to my lack of dating prospects. Last fall my dates were low quality but they were still dates. Being a pragmatic problem solver I compared my 2012 dating profile with my 2013 profile and discovered whamo, I am an idiot, I’m being fully truthful in my posting.

 Last year I posted a truthful profile requesting a casual good time with an adventurous man. Sweets jumped on board, I got what I wanted  and it was tons of fun. We both agreed that we didn’t want a serious relationship, just sex and fun, however after 7 months he informed me that he was the only one who wanted the non-committed funtastic dating scheme, I was actually lying to myself because I deserved a serious relationship which unfortunately he couldn’t give me AND even if it was true that I only wanted a good time part time guy and that I was telling the truth when I said I would be cool with him dating other women he couldn’t give me that either because he was so stressed out with “life issues” that he shouldn't date anybody. Ok fly be free Sweets, it was a fun run and even though 3 weeks ago you said we were so amazing together that you didn’t want it to end and that you would work at making time for us to do things, I respect your honesty after an apparent serious self-reflection process.
 
I watched him walk away and for a moment I felt happy and relieved that he broke up with me to focus on mending his messed up life. That moment of contented sympathy was short lived cause it was all a lie. The truth was while he was dumping my juicy fun time no strings attached ass that comforted him through his miserable winter and spring he was already head over heels courting another woman. Newbee isn’t involved in a non committed fun time casual dating situation, she is participating in a serious exclusive relationship. Is that what he wanted all along? Why didn’t he say anything? I thought we were on the same page? What was with the LYING?! I thought I set up a dating scenario where lying would be obsolete, he was free to do whatever he wanted (just not throw it in my face or take away from my adventure time) yet oddly even with that loosey goosey setup he infused our dating situation with a heap of lies including the night he broke up with me.

Anyways back to internet dating. After the dump (before the lying was exposed) I thought, thank goodness for Sweets, dating him was a wonderful learning experience for now I knew what to ask for when penning a dating profile.  I still wanted fun as per 2012 but I needed to weed out the guys who like Sweets were “unavailable”. So I crafted a truthfully honest posting that stressed how dating was a serious priority in my life and not only did I want a ton of raunchy romping I also wanted outdoor adventures, cozy evenings cooking together, wine tastings, brewery tours, seaside afternoons with BBQ and bonfires, days spent sipping champagne watching polo or sailing, mountains with snow and bright city nights dancing into the wee hours, I wanted shared experiences with a partner who could openly incorporate me into his life so I could shout from the roof tops, “I’M PART OF A RELATIONSHIP!!!” I was not interested in getting married or having children, I just needed a man who could share his time with me because I expected to DO things with him.

 Then I let the truth sit out there, and sit and sit and sit.   I’m into week 6 now and I’ve gotten nothing, not even a glass of wine with a lame ass guy. Last week I received this response from a perspective datee, “I read your profile, you seem cool. How much of it is lies?” Huh, what?Why would I lie in my posting? Who does that? Well according to this guy, EVERYBODY does it, guys, women, everybody. It’s just what you DO. CRAP now you tell me! I know I am not savvy to the whole relationship thing and I’m an eternal optimist but I didn’t know I was SO behind the eight ball. New plan….

Maybe this truth thing is a fools game? Maybe I need a new truth, a truth that is not so truthful if my goal is to date a man in the Metro New York area.

I say FUCK that truth, toss out all that time sharing and 'doing" stuff. Who needs my truth, obviously not the men reading my profile. Fine I will change my truth; I will say one thing and do another to get what I want.  You want kids? You want to be married? Hey so do I!  I’ll make it really easy, strip away everything else and just lay down this truth – Truthfully I need a cocktail and some major canoodling  - full stop.

I can lie to myself and  be perfectly happy having a good time with a charming man who pays attention to me when we are together, makes a date and keeps it, and when we are apart I couldn’t care less what he’s up to, secrets are good. Just ignite my emotions with your passionate words, paw at me hungrily with your meaty hands, kiss me deeply with soft lips, don't drive me crazy with manipulative confusion, and ravish me on your Manhattan rooftop.

Everybody says that I deserve more, FUCK YES I DESERVE MORE but that doesn’t make it true or real. I’ll pack away that goal of doing fun outdoorsy stuff with a date; I can fulfill that goal with my AMC group or friends. I’ll cook my own dinner while I shake my booty to my Salt N Peppa Pandora station in my kitchen and I’ll cuddle my couch cushion -it's not the same as a man and it sucks but it's the real honest truth. 

Unfortunately I’m a combo of realism and impatience, the guy who may be everything for me all the time MAY exist but dang if I know where he is and when he will show up.  In the meanwhile I can’t just sit around and wait; there is FUN to be had. Yes a healthy balanced dinner is what one deserves but if all I have is ice cream then I'm eating it. I'm not going to sit here and starve on principal because the optimal nutritional option is out of my reach.

I'll compartmentalize, hot sexy stuff with part time whomever and "doing" stuff with the social groups. SURE in a perfect truthful world there would be one guy who could fulfill both my dating goals (and take out my air conditioners) but for the past 20+ years that guy still remains a pipedream. I'm up for joining the dark side, enough with this wide-eyed innocent  transparent truth crap,  I'm hopping on the liar train. Every guy who has contributed to my dating/ hook up/ fun time/ history has been a liar and they are all in committed relationships, I don’t know why I’m fighting it.  I’ll lie to myself about what I need and deserve and I’ll lie to my dates as well cause as far as I can see the liars have much more fun and I can’t wait around another 20 years for fun.

I will always remember my conversation with Dr. Head after my first date with Sweets. 

Me: "I think he is lying to me."

Dr. "Why?"

Me: "He tells me all kinds of things that that make me really happy. He's in sales so I feel like he's studying me and saying the things that he should say to catch me."

Dr."So, he says things that make you happy, why would that be a lie? Maybe he just wants to make you happy."

Me:"I don't know, maybe he does mean it?"

Dr: "You will never know for certain. Just enjoy the nice things he says until you don't."