Over the course of three days I experienced the BEST first
date and the WORST first date. As I previously stated Mr. Woods was certainly my
best first date ever, he was a gentleman with just the right about amount of
raunch, mmmmmm I’m still glowing from that raunch. However Thursday’s mystery
date was the absolute opposite of Mr. Woods’ cool sassy charming ways – this guy
was insanely inappropriate, rude, delusional, socially inept, and a clueless
mess.
I didn’t have high hopes for Clueless prior to the date but
I thought he would be at least fun, in a loose cannon kind of way. His pre date
emails were entertaining IF at sometimes a little on the inappropriate side. I cut
him slack, chalking it up to his age (35) and the habit some guys have of being
overly familiar via email. However after he informed me of his venue of choice
for our rendezvous I seriously began to realize, Oh crap….. this is gonna be a
mess.
The venue was a bridge and tunnel bar known for “kids” binge drinking water
downed cocktails or entry level mass market beer. As Swason said, it’s that bar
you go to after you closed down at least 3 other bars and you are so drunk that
you have lost all respect for yourself as an adult. I gently informed Clueless that
the venue wasn’t “my scene”, omitting the fact that since I didn’t own a pair
of sweat pants and Uggs I would feel inappropriately dressed
for such an establishment. Clueless was offended at my judgment and scoffed at
the 5 other bars that I suggested, he even went as far to tell me that he wasn’t
going to take me out to drinks at all since I was so ‘uppity’. Yet again it’s
hard to tell over email if he was crazy or LOL JK! :P so when he came back with
a new venue option on the UES I agreed to meet him.
I arrived first (of course) and took a seat at the end of
the bar. The place was cute however it was still chock full of the 24 year old
set that frequents the bars along 2nd Ave. Clueless arrived moments
after I sat down and stood next to me….and that was it. He didn’t say anything,
he didn’t look at me, he just motioned to the bartender, ordered a Budweiser and
started sipping. I think he thought he was being ‘cool’ and ‘mysterious’ but it
was just ridiculous, so much so that I started to laugh at him. He shot me a
look and stayed silent, so really there was only one thing for me to do, I motioned
to the bartender and ordered a $14 cocktail on Clueless’s tab. I tried to make
small talk, asking him questions but he pulled out his phone and started texting.
It was the strangest thing ever. It was fully hysterical cause I am convinced
that this guy thought he was flirting or playing hard to get, …something.
But
as he silently typed it gave me the opportunity to give him the full Gee Scan –
bottom to top – Black sneakers, light blue baggy jeans, over-sized untucked wrinkled
chambray shirt and a black KNIT TIE!!!! This guy was rocking the denim and
denim with a knit tie circa 1985 hanging loosely around his neck with the top
three buttons undone on his shirt. It was tragically fantastic, oh and his
wrist was bursting with macramé friendship bracelets.
Eight minutes into the date, I had finished my drink in 4
sips and asked, “So you wanna call this done?” Clueless replied, “Nah I’m
drinking my beer.” and went back to his phone. I continued to pry, “Do you want
to engage me in conversation as people do in social situations?” Clueless, still
truly believing he was being charming and aloof retorted, “No, I got nothing to
say to you.” I smiled, grabbed my bag
and excused myself to the bathroom where I fired off a facebook status and a
text to Swason. I contemplated just walking straight out of the bar but then I realized,
fuck he may be the kind of guy who is “packing” (and not in a good way) and I
don’t need to be chased down 2nd
avenue by Mr. Texas Tuxedo 2012, I do have my swank reputation to uphold. I
returned to the bar as Clueless was closing out the tab, I did a fly by, shot
him a quick head nod with an “I’m out.” He followed behind me as I said over my
shoulder, “Sometimes you win ‘em, sometimes you lose, it’s a roll of the dice.”
and I took off to Lexington Ave. as Swason and I made plans for a massive red
wine-fest back in Astoria.
As I changed my shoes on the street and laughed about the
events of the past 12 minutes Clueless was blowing up my phone with texts,
which of course I did not answer, crap I didn’t even open them. Unfortunately Clueless
continued the text barrage today nonstop until I engaged the services of AT&T
and they dropped the block on his crazy ass, oh Clueless…. you are aptly named.
