Lub –Dub Lub –Dub

First let me quell all your fears with good news regarding my pesky nodes. After what was a harrowing and extremely painful biopsy the report showed NO signs of anything toxic just some lumps with nothing to do. Sweets was a champ throughout the procedure (pre and post); holding my hand, stroking my hair, and reading to me in bed as my neck swelled and pulsed with pain. The happiness and relief I felt just having him beside me drained the fear and rested my worries.

Two days after the needle to the neck I was off to Jamaica with Mom on what was to be one of the most relaxing vacations I’ve had in a long time. Mom promised not to stress me out and to take responsibility for EVERYTHING. My instructions were merely to “Pack a bag, grab your passport, and meet me at the airport”. In 6 days I tanned up my saggy bacon, had two spa treatments, biked several miles and filled my belly with fresh fruits and seafood. Oh and there was wine, lots of wine.

I returned to the city within 25 hours of Valentine’s Day with no expectations of any celebratory action, sure it would be delightful to have a Valentine (other than a gay guy, a gal pal, or my mom) BUT I was totally Zen about the entire situation. As Sweets and I celebrated my return to NYC and my clean bill of health at The Brindle Room he reached across our candlelit table, took my hand and said, “I know I should have brought this up earlier but, do you have plans for tomorrow?”  My face lit up and I shook my head no as my grin exposed my inner joy at having a REAL Valentine for the first time in my 42 years.

The next night Sweets cooked dinner at my apartment as I scurried around, pushing my unpacked suitcase under the side table, giving the bathroom a quick once over, and lighting every pink and red candle that I could find. We feasted and flirted and drank rich red wine that made my head spin and the giggles come easily. In the flickering amber candle light Sweets’ crimson hair glistened and his blue eyes deepened and I thought, this is exactly where I want to be right now.

 

Valentine’s night also hosted my last Dr. Head appointment. I had been weaning off of her since mid-December and by late January I felt that I had nothing left to say. After vacationing with my mom, surviving another stressful health scare and dating a new guy while feeling utterly in control of my emotions and exceedingly happy I knew I had healed and returned to the original Gee. I leave Dr. Head with new coping skills, insight and knowledge, not only about me but others in my life as well and how to more easily navigate through the maze of my personal universe.

I Must Have Done Something Good

Life is going super well, maybe that’s why the blog has been very quiet. Dr. Head is doing wonders for my mood, no tears in MONTHS and she’s great with giving me the tools to deal with unfavorable situations that used to drive my anxiety quotient off the charts. It’s been a hard row to hoe for some but the “new communications plan” that I put into effect is best for me, and that’s how I roll these days.

Along with my good humor the dating goddesses have smiled warmly upon my rosy cheeks and sent me a man who ummmm…. makes my eyes sparkle and my mouth turn into a permanent grin. I think I may be smitten, and I KNOW for sure I am being wooed.

Last I wrote Mr. Woods was making my toes curl with his sexy bad ass ways and smooth charm, but that coolness became cold and the bad ass became boring. Mr. Woods allusive coyness was not worth my time so we let that thing fizzle out. It was fun and Mr. Woods played a HUGE part in resuscitating my swagger but without the proper amount of real live face time my crush quickly petered out. I went on a few more dates; nothing special came of any of them until I met Sweets on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend. Sweets is charming and unassuming but with a solid confidence that really rocks my boat. At first his enthusiastic energy was a bit frantic but quickly it grew on me or maybe his edge softened a bit, either way I’m digging his exuberance and delight in his optimistic cheeriness.

Sweets is my age, divorced father of two, with a career in finance and a head of crimson hair. He seems to delight in my dorky love of all things ridiculous, from our first real date riding the tram to Roosevelt Island to visit the FDR memorial to my habit of breaking into TV jingles from the 70’s. He holds my hand when we walk down the street and helps me on and off with my coat. Doors open, chairs are attended to and the bill is always paid with Sweets commenting, “It’s my privilege to pay the check.” HOW DID I GET HIM?! Will you all allow me to gloat even more and say that the man has a triathlete’s body that intimidates me to shame once we head behind doors “after hours”? CRAP, Sweets is blowing my mind and warming my heart and it frightens me to think of all the ways I could screw this up. I don’t want to screw it up, I want it to keep going and growing and exploring. I try to relax and just let the “liking” happen but it’s so hard for me to believe that it is all so real.

Before my tween like babbling fills 10 more pages of blog I’ll end with this last little tidbit – after our second date Sweets mailed me a hand written note thanking me for a “spectacularly splendid evening”…. Seriously Sweets, you have me fully.

It’s Not Me – It’s You

Dr. Head blew up my mind this week when she laid down this little nugget of information, mean people DO make you feel badly and nice people DO make you feel good – cause that’s how relationships work, your emotions are effected by others’ actions and  words.  What the What, Dr. Head? What about all that mumbo jumbo that is spewed about  - don’t let others dictate your moods, it's not others' responsibility to make you happy, be strong and pull yourself up by your boot straps?  Isn't it my responsibility to build up immunity to others' nastiness? Isn't it me who should adjust to their behavior and take responsibility for my apparent emotional weakness?

As I unraveled the details of dating Mr. Woods, trying not to sound like a brainless tween in full gushing mode, Dr. Head sat quietly (as she does) listening as I spiraled through my litany  of justifications as to why I KNEW I shouldn’t be happy. I admitted that I knew better than to use Mr. Wood’s sweet kindness to cure me of my gloom and that I knew it was wrong to soothe my battered self esteem with the warmth from his tender touch, blah blah blah… As I paused to inhale and conjure more intellectual rationalizations Dr. Head interjected her insight, enabling me to see a new truth, the truth that assholes in my life ARE to blame for making me sad when they project their assholeness onto me, and if someone makes me happy then Hooray celebrate it, don’t poo poo it and devalue my gleefulness as an “easy fix”.  After she said it, it all seemed so simple, so logical, and my eyes welled up releasing heavy wet tears as the weight of full control over my emotional responsibility floated out of my body. 

So here I am accepting my cheery disposition and not concerning myself as to who is doing the heavy lifting to get me there. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s a whole bunch of people who are in my life, maybe it’s a yummy combo of both, but it really doesn’t matter ….. and so continues my new practice of just letting go and enjoying the ride.

Loosening the Reins

During the past two months of talking with Dr. Head she has mostly confirmed what I already knew but what I didn’t know is that it’s Ok to just let things ride. Sit back, disengage and maybe just maybe things / people won’t fall to pieces, and if they do, well then that’s what happens. It’s such a new way to live, so utterly freeing and remarkably stress reducing. From the outside it may sound selfish or even a bit assholery (I do struggle with that a little, the fine line between self renewal and being a dick, but it’s a process), but the lightness that has flowed into me after feeling so weighed down and overwhelmed is worth any small grain of guilt that still bubbles to the surface. Last week Dr. Head even admitted through her usually well fortified shield of non-emotional attachment to me that, “I don’t know if it is an emotional or chemical change but in talking with you, you have a genuine happiness.” and she grinned widely. YES, Dr. Head, the ME is returning…. poco a poco.

I ascribe this return to ME not only to Dr. Head’s gentle assistance (and my work) but also to a week that was filled with a heaping load of good times with good friends and the return of Mr. Woods. My week of drinks and food, laughs, hugs, fortifying emails and bracing face book comments was perfection, and not a tear was shed. Emotions appear to be equaling out and I can once again enjoy the warm love and support that flows in my direction without weeping at a midtown deli counter.

The return of Mr. Woods initially brought a sense of unrest, confusion and a general feeling of WTF is going on??!! (see last post). As our third date approached my mounting assumptions that our little “thing” was dead in the water increased to such a degree that I was exchanging emails with a new suitor on OkCupid just 10 minutes before Mr. Woods’ arrival. However, much to my surprise, a little real life face to face time combined with his charm and a boat load of unsolicited apologies alleviated all (ok most) of my internal freak out. Our evening was delightful and within a few hours I was looking into his deep brown eyes stating, “I don’t want to go on any more first dates, I only want to date you.” to which he answered, “You don’t have to, I want that too.” Sure label me a fool for falling, showing all my cards, allowing Mr. Woods’ charm to satiate my logical feelings of doubt, or whatever, but what is my other choice? Stay guarded and untrusting? Just like Dr. Head suggested, sit back and enjoy the ride and if shit falls apart, then that’s what happens. So that’s what I’m trying to do, not holding on tightly, not trying to figure out where this will go, or if it will go. I will accept Mr. Woods’ words as the truth and try NOT to devalue everything my ears hear and my body feels.

30 seconds after Mr. Woods left my apartment I deleted my OkCupid profile and for the first time since 1999 I am not actively engaged in the hunt for a first date. It’s new and scary but this text from Mr. Woods quieted my internal vampire screams of “He’s using you, it’s all a lie! Don’t fall for it! You are too exposed!”:

“I'm still on a high from the other night...how did I go a month without seeing you?!”

The Truth Is…

During my 45 minutes with Dr. Head this week… back up a moment, 45 minutes really?  In 45 minutes I can only get through like 1.5 stories then I have no time for feedback, ughh. I really must learn to edit my entraining narratives if I expect to get anything out of this process.  Ya know what, therapy for dull story tellers must be extremely cost effective. Anyways back to my appointment. I spent a good chunk of my time unraveling the specifics regarding my past 12 months of upheaval including my TWO lady cancer scares and my multiple leg operations. After I rattled off the various emotionally offending situations I wrapped it all up with, “I guess it was just a bunch of little things that came together to create this perfect storm.” To which Dr. Head said, “OR it could be that you experienced a massive amount of VERY big things that all happened in a short amount of time?”  Literally I think I heard a bell ring when she said it. I felt like - FUCK YEAH, this past 12 months HAS  been a total BITCH and of course I am overwhelmed and falling apart.  I may only give the doctor 30 seconds to get a word in while I reach for a tissue but when she does that woman is speaking the truth, and the best part is she is totally on my side.

Mr. Woods and I are staying in touch, as promised, while he keeps the World Bank afloat overseas (or whatever it is he does). We have a light email exchange going on and it feels a little like old timey courting. He’s still sweet with just the right amount of sauce and it’s perfect for what I need at this moment. I’ll admit that I smile when Mr. Woods’ emails appear in my inbox and I blush when crafting my replies.  Yeah... I'm crushing on Mr. Woods.

Je t'aime Paris

Mr. Woods headed off to Zurich for a month long business trip before we could enjoy a “triple play” on our dating score board. Oh Mr. Woods, so international, glad he is keeping the 1% solvent since my paycheck depends on their financial triumphs. However even though we didn’t get face time prior to wheels up we did make plans… hold on – what?! Ok well tentative plans. There are plans to continue our dating upon his return AND plans to stay in touch over the next thirty days. Fingers crossed by “stay in touch” he actually meant “I’m going to fly you to Paris for a long weekend”. I mean, cause really, that IS what he meant. What could top PARIS as a third date venue, the man would be crazy NOT to fly me out.

I finally told Dr. Head about The Invisible Man and as I spoke I saw her eye balls turn into dollar signs and I believe I heard an audible whisper of “ka-CHING!” I’m sure she had been thinking, “sigh…. Middle aged body issues, family issues, dead father… yawn” then I hit her with The Invisible Man assault and she was locked and loaded. Yeah Dr. Head, you didn’t see that coming, I was saving the meaty juicy shit – now let’s DO THIS!

Journey into the Future

Second week with the head shrinker, good thing my appointments are being covered by insurance cause I’m not too sure this week was worth the expense. The Doc asked about my past which I assume she needs to hear so as to understand my present however for me it felt more like “story time”. I could have just written a book report on “Gee’s Life and Times, 1970’s & 80’s  Edition” and emailed it to the Doc as a pre - appointment primer…. but maybe there is some madness to her method, she is the professional. It is a journey and I’m committed to it so I’ll keep traveling this road - and at least the Doc. saved on her Kleenex consumption expense during my time in the chair, cause I am dead to that past life shit.

Now onto Mr. Woods – Currently I think he is blowing Doc out of the water with his “happy head” skills.  FINE I know it’s just a temporary fix, but doesn’t a band-aid and a kiss feel good as your body is doing the REAL healing from major damage. It’s not like I’m only utilizing Mr. Woods to soothe my open wounds (that would be a bad attack plan) but I think having him take the edge off while a professional deals with my sick head is kinda sweet. Actually, it fuckin’ rocks!

My second date with Mr. Woods went as well as the first, actually it went even better and I think this may be a “thing” – wholly crap I think I’m on the verge of a “thing”. I’m desperately trying to stay cool yet engaged however  - CRAP -  that’s a fine line to walk. 

I’m fully available to a “thing” but also if that is not to be, that’s Ok too. In just two dates Mr. Woods has unknowingly gently collected the bricks that were toppled from the past months' damaging blows and tenderly placed them back into the gaping holes. I know it is my job to solidify them with mortar, but to have them slipped back into place by a relative stranger made me realize…. Ya know it’s not that difficult…. things will be Ok.