During the past two months of talking with Dr. Head she
has mostly confirmed what I already knew but what I didn’t know is that it’s Ok
to just let things ride. Sit back, disengage and maybe just maybe things /
people won’t fall to pieces, and if they do, well then that’s what happens. It’s
such a new way to live, so utterly freeing and remarkably stress reducing. From
the outside it may sound selfish or even a bit assholery (I do struggle with
that a little, the fine line between self renewal and being a dick, but it’s a
process), but the lightness that has flowed into me after feeling so weighed
down and overwhelmed is worth any small grain of guilt that still bubbles to
the surface. Last week Dr. Head even admitted through her usually well fortified
shield of non-emotional attachment to me that, “I don’t know if it is an emotional
or chemical change but in talking with you, you have a genuine happiness.” and she
grinned widely. YES, Dr. Head, the ME is returning…. poco a poco.
I ascribe this return to ME not
only to Dr. Head’s gentle assistance (and my work) but also to a week that was
filled with a heaping load of good times with good friends and the return of
Mr. Woods. My week of drinks and food, laughs, hugs, fortifying emails and bracing
face book comments was perfection, and not a tear was shed. Emotions appear to
be equaling out and I can once again enjoy the warm love and support that flows
in my direction without weeping at a midtown deli counter.
The return of Mr. Woods initially
brought a sense of unrest, confusion and a general feeling of WTF is going
on??!! (see last post). As our third date approached my mounting assumptions
that our little “thing” was dead in the water increased to such a degree that I
was exchanging emails with a new suitor on OkCupid just 10 minutes before Mr.
Woods’ arrival. However, much to my surprise, a little real life face to face
time combined with his charm and a boat load of unsolicited apologies alleviated
all (ok most) of my internal freak out. Our evening was delightful and within a
few hours I was looking into his deep brown eyes stating, “I don’t want to go
on any more first dates, I only want to date you.” to which he answered, “You don’t
have to, I want that too.” Sure label me a fool for falling, showing all my
cards, allowing Mr. Woods’ charm to satiate my logical feelings of doubt, or
whatever, but what is my other choice? Stay guarded and untrusting? Just like
Dr. Head suggested, sit back and enjoy the ride and if shit falls apart, then
that’s what happens. So that’s what I’m trying to do, not holding on tightly,
not trying to figure out where this will go, or if it will go. I will accept
Mr. Woods’ words as the truth and try NOT to devalue everything my ears hear
and my body feels.
30 seconds after Mr. Woods left
my apartment I deleted my OkCupid profile and for the first time since 1999 I
am not actively engaged in the hunt for a first date. It’s new and scary but
this text from Mr. Woods quieted my internal vampire screams of “He’s using
you, it’s all a lie! Don’t fall for it! You are too exposed!”:
“I'm still on a high from the other night...how did I go
a month without seeing you?!”
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