Journey into the Future

Second week with the head shrinker, good thing my appointments are being covered by insurance cause I’m not too sure this week was worth the expense. The Doc asked about my past which I assume she needs to hear so as to understand my present however for me it felt more like “story time”. I could have just written a book report on “Gee’s Life and Times, 1970’s & 80’s  Edition” and emailed it to the Doc as a pre - appointment primer…. but maybe there is some madness to her method, she is the professional. It is a journey and I’m committed to it so I’ll keep traveling this road - and at least the Doc. saved on her Kleenex consumption expense during my time in the chair, cause I am dead to that past life shit.

Now onto Mr. Woods – Currently I think he is blowing Doc out of the water with his “happy head” skills.  FINE I know it’s just a temporary fix, but doesn’t a band-aid and a kiss feel good as your body is doing the REAL healing from major damage. It’s not like I’m only utilizing Mr. Woods to soothe my open wounds (that would be a bad attack plan) but I think having him take the edge off while a professional deals with my sick head is kinda sweet. Actually, it fuckin’ rocks!

My second date with Mr. Woods went as well as the first, actually it went even better and I think this may be a “thing” – wholly crap I think I’m on the verge of a “thing”. I’m desperately trying to stay cool yet engaged however  - CRAP -  that’s a fine line to walk. 

I’m fully available to a “thing” but also if that is not to be, that’s Ok too. In just two dates Mr. Woods has unknowingly gently collected the bricks that were toppled from the past months' damaging blows and tenderly placed them back into the gaping holes. I know it is my job to solidify them with mortar, but to have them slipped back into place by a relative stranger made me realize…. Ya know it’s not that difficult…. things will be Ok.

"Shake It Out"

 

“….But it's always darkest before the dawn”

I started my Head Shrinking  at the end of last week. It’s new and strange and all I did was spend an hour telling my story.  Dr. Head didn’t say much of anything but I think she is just trying to absorb it all and make connections. It didn’t feel any different than when I talk to my friends (except I don’t have to write them a check at the end of an hour) but I’m certain it will do me some good and she did come up with one really good insight that made me go  - “Oh yeah… right.”

“…And I've been a fool and I've been blind…”

The more I think about my date with Mr. Woods the more I realize how perfect it was. Even if nothing comes of Mr. Woods and he just slinks into the realm of a “good first date story”, last Tuesday was precisely what I needed. For several months my head has been jumbled with uncertainty and filled with thoughts of inadequacy. I know as a grown woman I should be aware of my value intrinsically without any need of outward approval but sometimes… especially when my head isn’t feeling its usual bright and shiny self I DO need a bit of  external cheer-leading to strengthen my resolve.

“…I'm always dragging that horse around…”

Unfortunately the person who presented themselves as my champion was also my tormentor. When I begged for solace I received silence, when I asked for caring I received confrontation. I was told repeatedly that I was “disappointing” if I didn’t embrace the role that had been crafted meticulously for me to embody.  I wasn’t that person, I knew I wasn’t that person, but the protest went unheard and I slowly sunk away.

“…Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground…”

Last Tuesday I was me, fully me. No acting no lying and Mr. Woods embraced it all. I felt like I stripped off a suit of armor, took a full deep breath and all was right. Mr. Woods will never know how much that Tuesday meant to me, I’m sure to him it was “nice” but to me it was a return back to someone whom I had lost in the gray.

“…And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off”

Best and Worst

Over the course of three days I experienced the BEST first date and the WORST first date. As I previously stated Mr. Woods was certainly my best first date ever, he was a gentleman with just the right about amount of raunch, mmmmmm I’m still glowing from that raunch. However Thursday’s mystery date was the absolute opposite of Mr. Woods’ cool sassy charming ways – this guy was insanely inappropriate, rude, delusional, socially inept, and a clueless mess.

I didn’t have high hopes for Clueless prior to the date but I thought he would be at least fun, in a loose cannon kind of way. His pre date emails were entertaining IF at sometimes a little on the inappropriate side. I cut him slack, chalking it up to his age (35) and the habit some guys have of being overly familiar via email. However after he informed me of his venue of choice for our rendezvous I seriously began to realize, Oh crap….. this is gonna be a mess. 

The venue was a bridge and tunnel bar known for “kids” binge drinking water downed cocktails or entry level mass market beer. As Swason said, it’s that bar you go to after you closed down at least 3 other bars and you are so drunk that you have lost all respect for yourself as an adult. I gently informed Clueless that the venue wasn’t “my scene”, omitting the fact that since I didn’t own a pair of sweat pants and Uggs I would feel inappropriately dressed for such an establishment. Clueless was offended at my judgment and scoffed at the 5 other bars that I suggested, he even went as far to tell me that he wasn’t going to take me out to drinks at all since I was so ‘uppity’. Yet again it’s hard to tell over email if he was crazy or LOL JK! :P so when he came back with a new venue option on the UES I agreed to meet him.

I arrived first (of course) and took a seat at the end of the bar. The place was cute however it was still chock full of the 24 year old set that frequents the bars along 2^nd Ave. Clueless arrived moments after I sat down and stood next to me….and that was it. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t look at me, he just motioned to the bartender, ordered a Budweiser and started sipping. I think he thought he was being ‘cool’ and ‘mysterious’ but it was just ridiculous, so much so that I started to laugh at him. He shot me a look and stayed silent, so really there was only one thing for me to do, I motioned to the bartender and ordered a $14 cocktail on Clueless’s tab. I tried to make small talk, asking him questions but he pulled out his phone and started texting. It was the strangest thing ever. It was fully hysterical cause I am convinced that this guy thought he was flirting or playing hard to get, …something. 

 

But as he silently typed it gave me the opportunity to give him the full Gee Scan – bottom to top – Black sneakers, light blue baggy jeans, over-sized untucked wrinkled chambray shirt and a black KNIT TIE!!!! This guy was rocking the denim and denim with a knit tie circa 1985 hanging loosely around his neck with the top three buttons undone on his shirt. It was tragically fantastic, oh and his wrist was bursting with macramé friendship bracelets.

Eight minutes into the date, I had finished my drink in 4 sips and asked, “So you wanna call this done?” Clueless replied, “Nah I’m drinking my beer.” and went back to his phone. I continued to pry, “Do you want to engage me in conversation as people do in social situations?” Clueless, still truly believing he was being charming and aloof retorted, “No, I got nothing to say to you.”  I smiled, grabbed my bag and excused myself to the bathroom where I fired off a facebook status and a text to Swason. I contemplated just walking straight out of the bar but then I realized, fuck he may be the kind of guy who is “packing” (and not in a good way) and I don’t need to be chased down  2^nd avenue by Mr. Texas Tuxedo 2012, I do have my swank reputation to uphold. I returned to the bar as Clueless was closing out the tab, I did a fly by, shot him a quick head nod with an “I’m out.” He followed behind me as I said over my shoulder, “Sometimes you win ‘em, sometimes you lose, it’s a roll of the dice.” and I took off to Lexington Ave. as Swason and I made plans for a massive red wine-fest back in Astoria.

 

As I changed my shoes on the street and laughed about the events of the past 12 minutes Clueless was blowing up my phone with texts, which of course I did not answer, crap I didn’t even open them. Unfortunately Clueless continued the text barrage today nonstop until I engaged the services of AT&T and they dropped the block on his crazy ass, oh Clueless…. you are aptly named.

Breaking All the Rules

As I get older I find that I am way more susceptible to the power of others’ “suggestions”. Mostly these are all very good suggestions, take for example Jesus telling me “You need to buy a bigger bed” or Swason instructing, “You would be an idiot if you DIDN’T buy that Ralph Lauren Olympic Jacket” and then last night… let’s just say the power of suggestion really did me a solid.

Last evening I had my first of THREE blind dates scheduled for this week. I don’t think any of these gents are relationship material however I’m rather sure I am not looking for a relationship at this time SO…. It’s all good. 

Mr. Tuesday (AKA Mr. Woods) was handsome and charming, he was on time and most importantly he was not a MESS! Seriously it’s been so long since I had a date that didn’t include a drink landing in my lap, a profuse face sweater, a social misfit, etc., etc… that this guy totally blew me away. Sure he has short comings but they are minuscule when it comes to all the other plusses. CRAP he even picked up the check without flinching – very unlike the Investment Banker Brit who took me out for a $9.00 brunch then harassed the waiter when he informed Cheap-o that “Sausage is an extra $1.50.” Cheap-o actually asked the waiter how MANY sausages he would get for $1.50, since he felt this was an exorbitant price to pay for breakfast pork since in Brittan you NEVER pay extra for anything …..hmmmm that’s questionable. 

But I digress, back to last night. After hours of bar side chatting and drinking with Mr. Woods there came that moment when decisions must be made – it’s either THIS or it’s THAT. My head was so THIS, totally THIS, no doubt I am fully THIS. There were so many rational reasons why THIS was the correct choice BUT damn that power of suggestion. Somehow even Mr. Woods sensed that I could be easily swayed to THAT with just a gentle nudge, cause really who doesn’t like a little of THAT.

I ended up tossing all of THIS out the window and extending my evening way past my bed time with a whole lot of THAT going on.  And DAMN, THAT was super fun.

I Don’t Miss What I Don’t Have

It’s been a full week since The Invisible Man vanished and oddly I’m doing super without the 24/7 ridiculousness. Well maybe not so ‘odd’ since I’m sure anybody with a clearer head than I could have predicted as such

 The Invisible Man and I had adopted a communication style that was sometimes supportive and endearing but mostly it was obsessive and all consuming. My weekday mornings were tightly scheduled around our ‘check ins’ while my work days were filled with a constant struggle between doing ACTUAL work and engaging in some all-encompassing  text exchange. Evenings were never truly mine, I was ‘on call’ mostly with either my iPhone or my laptop at the ready so I could continue whatever silliness was begun earlier in the day within minutes of the The Invisible Man “dinging” my messenger with a “YO!”.

Last Monday I tucked myself into bed fully aware that Tuesday morning would come and go without a “ding’ or a “ring”. I told myself that it’s the new normal and that I would just have to ride out the silence as the minutes slowly ticked away, quietly dealing with the title wave of emotions that would surely flow. Well Tuesday morning came and went and shockingly it wasn’t until I was seated comfortably on the 7 train that I realized – HEY I made it through my morning and didn’t even NOTICE the lack of….. everything!  Not only didn’t I notice BUT I woke up 30 minutes later, got out of the house 10 minutes earlier and for the FIRST time in MONTHS I blew my hair out straight!  It’s like my TIME is all rushing back to me, it’s really rather wonderful and freeing.

To continue with the reclamation of my personal time I did my nails last night while watching a Netflix start to finish with NO interruptions or the worry that I would only get half a hand completed before “DING”. Sure our communication habits were a two way street and there was something about our constant virtual connection that filled a hole inside of me but it was oppressive and overbearing and many times I felt suffocated by the weight of being the entertainment monkey – Dance Monkey DANCE – trying to make up for whatever real world ills were thrust upon Mr. Invisible. Now I come home from the gym and all is quiet, all the time is my time, no muss – no fuss, and I’m feeling like I’ve rediscovered my old life again.

Grab Bag of Crazy

I’m sitting at my desk on this Monday morning, facing the new week with trepidation, anxiety and a bit of – REALLY WHAT THE F!?

I made the good/ bad decision to accept two dates this week. One is definite the other a bit more, loosey goosey. Neither of these guys is ‘relationship’ material however I think I deserve a free beverage and a bit of not so innocent flirting after the crap last week tossed me.  Good idea? Not too sure. Hopefully I can summon all my acting skills to restrain the rush of emotional crazy long enough to get through a few hours of devil make care happy attitude while my insides rot secretly deep down below.

Update on the Head Shrinker: I connected with the physician that was recommended by Dr. Pico and I have an appointment with her Thursday. We are going to see if we are a good fit then take it from there.

Other health notes – last week I got a new tooth (fancy), saw an allergist who confirmed my Oral Allergy Syndrome and proclaimed, “Wow you are in excellent condition” after timing my pulse/ blood pressure and testing my blood oxygen levels /  lung capacity , got a blood test (didn’t faint), and found out that my updated higher dosage of Synthroid is finally working. I know I shouldn’t self-diagnose BUT I think that the ever increasing amount of Synthroid (synthetic hormone taken to replace the hormone my thyroid doesn’t produce) is screwing up my mood. Since the thyroid regulates mood and I have never struggled with emotional issues before taking Synthroid AND my dosage keeps increasing as my body fights the influx…. Hmmmm I’m just saying.

Forward Movement

I made it through the week mostly due to the love and compassion of all the amazing friends in my life. People complain that virtual networking tools are intrusive and lead to social isolation but I certainly would have emotionally imploded if not for the power of Facebook to share my crazy with the world and in turn receive notes of encouragement and extremely helpful advice.

I special shout out to Swason who has supported the mother load of my dissolving psyche with the patience and restraint of a saint. She is Catholic so it is par for the course and she told me that while she is dealing with my mental meltdown she is earning extra bonus “good” points to make up for her transgressions. Ehhh I’ll still buy her a case of wine, as a Jew I’m not too sure about that point system.

My therapist search is still ongoing, however I feel that I am on a fast track after engaging the assistance of my most favorite REAL health professional, Dr. Pico. Yet again thanks goes to Swason who with a clearer head than mine suggested that I ask one of my current physicians for help after 11 of my calls to perspective therapists went unreturned and she was bombarded with a Gtalk window chock full of my anxiety ridden babble. I’m certain Swason is rethinking that decision years ago to teach me about IMing – it must be difficult for her to enter payroll for a Broadway company while solving my life issues, I don’t know how she does it.

 

I know that the chunk of crap that went down on Monday will fade over time, dissolve organically and just fly away, however it’s the other gray, the gray that’s taken up residence for the past 10 months that really must be evicted. With Dr. Pico on my side and his excellent recommendations (I called one yesterday, I am waiting for her response) I feel a huge amount of relief that I don’t have to fix everything alone, that I have people that are better equipped than I and they are happy to share the load.