Under the Cone of Silence

I wish I could share with you all the co-op application/ house-buying insanity that has infiltrated my life however since I have about a half dozen agencies searching my background with a lice comb (NO co-op board I do not have lice or bed bugs or any parasites I’m just funny… ya see funny. But quiet and boring. Ok not funny at all and very unentertaining. Actually I never entertain; I mean who comes to Queens anyways. Well except for me and all of you board members cyber stalking me because Queens ROCKS! I love Queens.. oh PLEASE let me live here.…. Ughhhh). 

The home buying process has dampened my summertime fun jam but I know there will be another summer in 8 months and if all goes to plan I will be rocking (yet again, very quietly.. I don’t rock loudly or inconsiderately) my new apartment building’s swimming pool and BBQ deck like a regular property share holder.

Because of my crazy I have removed myself from the general populace for the past several months cause really – nobody wants any of this. However I did spend a few weekends out East at Chez Mom where we dined and drank copious amounts of wine (in a very demure Hampton setting – NOT that kind of Kardashian Hamptons, more like old lady  I volunteer at the community food pantry Hamptons – crap I am never passing this board application). Talking about wine, my sometimes squatter/ fun time pall Friday (ok co-op board.. I get it… never mind… just feed my application into the shredder) has not only secured a full time gig but also got himself a swank SoHo apartment (MOTHER F-er!) after only 2 days of house hunting – I think I used that MOTHER F-er! too early in the sentence, it would have worked better here - and as par for the course he is already pulling away. Well it was a nice 11 months and thank you for NOT breaking up with me in August cause ya know… that’s what guys I date do (did).

Hopefully my next update will not include a tale about how on October 31st I moved my belongings into storage after losing my huge rent controlled apartment and was living a very cozy life in a furnished room with 4 female FIT undergrads in Crown Heights.

In closing please see all these happy rainbows because if you accept me as your neighbor and fellow share holder I will fart sunshine. 

So ya know how like when you skip lunch then you get so hungry that you want to eat your face so you blow up GrubHub ordering a poo-poo platter of nine separate delivery options then gorge for 6 minutes until you realize that you should have JUST eaten lunch and avoided this overload of emptiness , well that’s how I feel about not blogging since February.

I have a billion things I want to share with you about my break from internet dating, my hunt to buy an apartment, my  (x) co-worker putting a hit out on my ass, and my surprise super nice guy ‘thing’ that grew out of that Autumnal drunken hook up, but unfortunately it’s all so overwhelming and I’ll never get through it all sooooo… let’s just do bullet points.

• Red told me to STOP internet dating – so I did. Boom. Red like Swason is always right, do not ignore their advice.
• Faced with my imminent doom of dying alone and broke without savings or family my Mother offered financial help towards an apartment purchase. It was either that or have me sob inessentially on her foyer rug as I downward spiraled into a black funk bucket of realities that I did not want to face. Even though it was a cold harsh winter my mother realized that she would need to exit the house at some point and my limp sobbing body curled up in fetal position on her threshold would really harsh her lifestyle.  HOUSE HUNT ON!
• Mafia Wife Co-Worker’s crazy ratio hit 100 parts per 100 and was fired, wait there’s more – somehow I am a liar and a fraud (yep fraud) so I must pay for her dismissal. Google search term “Harassment”.
• Friday, my drunken one nighter has become my drunken 220 nighter. It’s fun and easy, the communication is open, we eat and drink yummy things, and we laugh. Now if I can make it through August without him dumping my ass I will break the curse that has hounded me the past TWO Augusts. I do have my doubts that I will make it to Labor Day with Friday still listed as a “favorite” in my contacts only for the fact that he JUST began his full time gig last week and ya know how the guys get with me – once they get that job – they are OUT!

Now that we are all caught up you can look forward to posts about bathroom tile, random financially motivated anxiety attacks, paint colors and cheese. In a perfect world there is always cheese. 

Close it Down!

Yesterday my 6 month paid membership to Match.com expired leaving me with $150 less in my bank account, 117 unanswered emails and the memories of a single awesome date that begun with my suitor jamming two fingers up into my hooch because 1 – YOU ARE WEARING A SKIRT, you obviously WANT to be publicly digitally stimulated (language edited for blog censors) and 2 – “That’s just the way I am, I’m spontaneous and ALL you women in New York City are crazy, irrational, uptight, and hate sex. If you ALL didn’t have these crazy ass rules that no man could ever understand (like NOT allowing a stranger’s hand in my lady parts) you ALL wouldn’t be so  angry and single.” 
WOW I got all that truth dumped on me even before he bought me a glass of wine! Really dude, pace yourself. Maybe us ladeez wouldn’t be all bitches if you sauced us up first, rookie move. Well that’s what I get for accepting a date from a 44 year old recently divorced finance guy.

To punctuate this auspicious day my personal virtual cupid dumped these final electronic flirtations into my now defunct Match.com inbox.

1 - how are you?? Would you like to talk or text or chat or whatever you would like to call it?

2 – Hi GorgeousI am Daniel from new york city feel free to email me and chat with me. I'm at my contact id *dsteven875* on im .....i noticed that online marriages are turning out to be successful and so i decided to give it a trial.., l need someone who will cherish me and be willing to share joys and sorrows. Someone who's willing to spoil, pamper and love me unconditionally,all l need here is honest woman who s gonna love and cares for me with all her heart......my yahoo dsteven875 @yahoo.com

3 - Hi Gorgeous,. How was your day at work ? , i saw your profile here I love to talk, listen , laugh, play around, joke, and to always have a good time... I'm a decent and loves to meet new people, and laugh, i dont care about the distance or races...... send me your email address or your mobile line so we can talk better

So much to comment on here but the BIG IDEA, as they call it in lesson planning, the main take a way, is I’m gorgeous. No really I am, or at the very least strikingly photogenic in my bathroom selfies. Thanks Match.com for never failing to lower my expectations of the metro area’s male dating population.

HAPPY VALENTIN’S DAY
XOX

Your drop dead gorgeous G

I SHALL RETURN!

Last week I attended my 25^th High School reunion where I was filled with the love of old friends and the joyful exuberance of meeting new ones. Back in 1988 I would have never guessed that in my middle age I would share a space with the majority of my fellow Big Mac Grads laughing, drinking, and innocently flirting while shaking my bon bon like a rock star on the dance floor. High School was difficult, no it was more than difficult, it was horrific.

Crap that out – let’s get back to the reunion where all was a shake down boogie good time jam.

Q was my date as per always, my old buddies from the way back hood (Elementary School) were in full loud mouth kick ass party mode and then there were the alum that were unknown to me but somehow it all worked, the party rocked. The vibe in the bar overflowed with joyous frivolity, even the guests of guests who didn’t know anybody were killing it. I can’t remember ever attending a party with such a diverse group of people who all mixed so well. Yes a few of my bullies were there, those mean girls (and at least one guy) who beat, harassed and humiliated me daily for years but it didn’t matter cause ya know why, cause I’m A FUCKIN’ WINNER! This isn’t 1988, I’m brilliant, I’m a hot piece of 43 year old ass and I can drop it like it’s hot so yeah…. it’s all good in the hood.

Since Saturday my facebook friend list has expanded exponentially, I have a lady date with a fellow sassy city chic and I’ve entered a burgeoning titillating flirtation with an alum who failed to express interest until Sunday evening when he was snug home alone – Ughhhh seriously! However he is single, employed and (I assume) has a home SO that’s a bunch of concurrent attributes that have been lacking in my past perspective dates…. to be continued.

The take away - When you get invited to your reunion, go. Go and live your adult life like the superstar that you’ve become, grab asses, be the first one on the dance floor and try NOT to confess to your married 7^th grade crush that he/she was your 7^th grade crush cause THAT conversation gets really uncomfortable surprisingly (really – a surprise?) quickly, or so I would assume. That thing about grabbing asses though, maybe you should refrain from that, I mean who the hell are YOU walking around a reunion physically accosting people, that’s just creepy… don’t do that.

Sometimes Small Things Are Bigger Than Big Things

Several months ago while Sweets and I were dating he engaged a subway panhandler in conversation who announced to us, and the entire subway car, “Sometimes small things are bigger than big things”. At hearing this pronouncement the carload of city slickers took a moment in quiet introspection then joined together in a group smile because we all knew he was right.  Over the past few days my panhandler philosopher’s words have filled my head as I’ve celebrated my 43^rd birthday bathed in happy goodness pouring over me from some of the most unexpected sources.

Going into birthday week I had no plans to mark the day, the thought of a night home alone with champagne, BBQ and a cupcake was feeling perfectly cozy as the cold November weather settled in. However by Wednesday evening this solitary celebration plan was replaced with a Tapas Party due to the back to back texts of Gee birthday celebration enthusiasts, T-Bone, Swason and Friday.

As my birthday dawned I awoke at 5am because I wanted the longest 43^rd Birthday ever. I cooked a

hot breakfast, added spiked eggnog to my coffee, played Britney while shaking my bon bon, glued on long fake eyelashes, zipped up a new SHORT skirt (hey adventure legs), slid a hot red lipstick into my sequined purse then thought about all my accomplishments over the past 12 months. I reflected upon how much my head, heart and body have grown stronger and all the brilliant new experiences that I’ve enjoyed and conquered.  I left the house feeling like queen of the world and it was only 8:45am.

By midday my Facebook filled with birthday greetings from old friends far far away, close friends around the corner and a person or two who I was all, “Huh, I’m friends with you?” Facebook to me is one of those small things that is big, really big. Thinking back to when I started running the support I gained from my friends on Facebook inspired me to go stronger and harder and at times also overwhelmed my heart with warmth.

Loving birthday texts buzzed my phone throughout the day with wishes of happiness, power and adventure for the year to come, even Friday texted me with some sassy birthday business that made me blush and giggle like a tween. Then it happened, my mother called, she never calls, I don’t know why she doesn’t call on my Birthday but I had stopped caring years ago, but this year she called and that small thing was HUGE.

Evening came and with it my tapas and wine party at swank Cata. T-bone, Swason and Friday made for a wonderful threesome even though none of them had ever met before. We feasted and drank and drank and drank until our heads swirled and the patrons at the other tables rolled their eyes in disgust of our zealous merriment.

It was fun, it was lots of fun and as I sat there I couldn’t stop thinking about how so very lucky I was to have all of this. I tried not to gush but I was overflowing with the joy from an entire day of small things. I wanted to thank them, I wanted to thank everybody who had communicated with me throughout the day (and since the following days) but I couldn’t find the words to explain why all these seemingly small gestures were so tender (and Big) to me.

Later that night and into Saturday Friday and I extended the celebration. He is what I need now, what we share is easy and fun. He’s confident, relaxed, cultured, and overflowing with charm; he is also the only man who has ever asked to spend my birthday with me. Seriously, FRIDAY, the guy I met at a bar a few weeks ago is the ONLY man to remember my birthday and ask to celebrate it with me, i.e. small thing = BIG THING. I feel peaceful with Friday, he doesn’t need me to fill an empty space in him, I don’t need to act like the person he wants/ needs me to be, I can just be me and when I talk he doesn’t read into my words or create some odd alternative meanings he hears me and responds accordingly. When Friday touches me or when we cuddle there is no desperation in his hands, he doesn’t grab and grope as others have, as if I was the last woman on earth. With Friday it feels like we are both full people who are complementing each other. As I looked into his eyes Saturday morning I wanted to tell him all of this and how thankful I was but I knew I was on the razor’s edge of being sappy and also talking about “small things” when a guy is naked is NEVER a good idea.

I can’t remember a better November 22^nd due to the fact that all these small things were bigger than big things and I am so grateful to have so many generous friends.

Easy Fun Time

The past few weeks have been killing it big time in Gee world, so much fun and rock and roll sexy stuff that I’m just grooving with exuberance.

Outdoorsy adventure time has been in overdrive, Adventure Girl is not only enthusiastic and meticulous in her planning but she is umm….. me. HOLY COW, seriously peeps Adventure Girl is early for everything, will travel miles/ hours for fun, has the perfect gear (in pink or purple), enjoys a map, a pumpkin ale, lobster and kicking ass on the trail.  She will also spend hours/ days on researching then change her mind 8 times until she pulls the cord, hate to admit it but … that’s me too. We are kicking our friendship into overdrive with a sleepover later this week so that we can hit Storm King Mountain at the break of day then the following weekend we are attending a yoga/ hiking weekend at the Mohican AMC lodge.  Yep, I am fully entrenched in my woodsy adventures, so much so that you can add “sleeping bag” and “trekking poles” to the list of things that UPS dropped off this week.

Now onto the sexy, cause why the hell not. Match and OkCupid are a mess, I log in daily just so my

account stays active but there is NOTHING that I want out there. When I last wrote there were two guys that were maybe meet ups however neither of them ever got in touch, whatever.  But what did happen was a nice little drunken hook up with a uber charming gent at a random pop up local food / beer place in Queens – yeah I didn’t see that one coming either. “Friday” is undatable (unemployed & homeless) BUT he is brilliant, cultured, a great dresser, pays the check, holds doors open and just wants to have FUN. Good lord YES – FUN. Seems like years since I could find a guy who was just down with the F word (and that other F word… word). He’s so not my type, but I’m learning that maybe I don’t have a type, well except for being unemployed, that is SO my type but Friday likes cheese and wine and oh he went to my High School – what? Yep, fer realz. So we hung out twice, had a ton of laughs, a heap of sexy time and if I see him again, cool, if not it was fun and easy, and that’s what I’ve wanted for a LONG time.

I Got The Power

Since last post I’ve enjoyed two Appalachian Mountain Club outings (it should have been 3, but I’ll get to that), I bought a bike and I got back into the game with TWO online dates.

My AMC weekend at Fire Island was joyful, inspiring and just a good old kick ass time with a bunch of people who DO stuff. There were a dozen adventurers however these people were SO active I felt like a lazy nub in a swamp, good thing I at least had my recent 10k victory to add to the accomplishments pile cause otherwise I would have been low lady on the amazing persons totem pole. By the end of the weekend I gained a few more friends, was not presented with ONE summons for the various and innumerable misdemeanors I committed and I also had some bad ass raw inner thumbs from killing it like an Olympic rower in the kayak.

Next up was my first AMC hike in Harriman, it was a gloomy gray day but warm so I pulled on my hiking skirt, deet-ed up and headed on out with great expectations of meeting another set of powerful happy people. Well let’s just say THIS group of AMCers were a little too over confident in their athletic abilities to handle a such a hike and MUCH too underprepared to remain jolly – oh well they all can’t be winners. BUT I did get to flirt with the burly bartender/ outdoorsman group leader for 6 hours and I made a new outdoorsy friend who, like me, is an overachieving newbee wanna do everything action girl.

After the hike I contacted both Mr. Leader and Action Girl, guess which one wanted to see more of me? Yeah, Mr. Leader… not so much. Anyways Action Girl invited me on a 25 mile bike ride along the Old Croton Aqueduct on Oct. 27^th to which I instinctively typed “YES I will do that!” then immediately bought a bike, bike tights, gloves, helmet, jacket, etc… and started riding. Those of you who KNOW me know that all I need is the suggestion of an action for me to get on board and DO it. One of my other AMC palls responded to my admission of being susceptible to gentle suggestion with, “I’ll invite you on a horseback riding and homemade whiskey hike, you'll need a horse, waspy gear and a peat bog!” Damn my kitchen is gonna be tight with my bike AND a pony.

The two internet dates/ meetings were not even worth my lip gloss application. Both men fell head over heels in LUST for me the moment my gams crossed the room. One thought it best to lead with talk of his penis girth while the other just threw caution to the wind and thrust his hand up my skirt and into my crotch. His explanation, he likes to “live in the moment” oh and I was so hot he couldn’t help himself. Now that’s a way to romance a lady. Penis Girth really sealed the deal when he took a call from his mother while I was in the WC so when I returned I was present for his profanity filled regret to his Mother’s invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. I love a man who screams at his mother at a bar – HOT! After hanging up he paused and asked, “So I guess my chances of making out with you right now are kinda low, right?”

There is hope on the horizon, as there always is in my Pollyanna sunshine filled optimistic world, Melba has a cute co-worker buddy (black hair/ blue eyes… yummmm) that she is trying to convince to call me – unfortunately my Facebook awesomeness has less than inspired him to reach out. I gotta start posting photos of me enjoying a chocolate shake and cheeseburger on my couch… not so daunting. AND one of my Mom’s yenta friends has given my number to a local newly divorced friend of the family in hopes that she scores a match, she has done this before with no result, but maybe this time……

Back to my not a hike yesterday. After gearing up and arriving at Port Authority 45 minutes before

my scheduled bus departure I somehow never boarded a bus. Yep me and a troupe of 3 others waited and waited and then waited some more for the 8:15am to Nyack but it never showed. Of course Adventure Girl was waiting for me in Nyack but even after I explained that NOBODY got on the bus I think she assumed I was a numb nut and began to second guess our burgeoning friendship. Proof of my ding-a-ling status, last night she sent me an email with detailed instructions regarding how to access Grand Central Terminal along with the train schedule and an offer to help in any way she can if I have trouble with navigating the train system. GOOD LORD how did I mess this up? I AM THE TRANSIT QUEEN! Damn I am gonna have to be a super star on Sunday. Maybe I should bake cookies?