Does My Face Make Me Look Old?

Just in case you all thought I put the internet dating hunt on hold, you are very much mistaken. My virtual pursuit to find a man who is not a mess is thriving, yet I’m only giving my time to the free site OKCupid for my cash is too dear to flush an unending stream of ducats down the world wide web sewer of Match, Jdate, Eharmony, etc… Yet even though I continue to fervently chum the dating waters my nets are habitually devoid of any daily catch.

Besides the random electronic missives from the usual illiterate wack jobs or photos of engorged “erect members” taken in the reflection of a public bathroom mirror, my inbox has experienced an uptick in emails from men who are completely delusional regarding their age vs. physical appearance. Since I turned 40 a few months back I guess the robot monkeys over at OKCupid have dumped me into a higher age bracket pool (they obviously do not know me) so now I have the comedic pleasure of receiving emails from the 45+ crowd, the majority of whom begin their courtship by confidently announcing, “I look younger than my age”. What the Who told you that? And by the way internet dude vying for my pleasure, I can SEE your photo so allow me to be the judge of that statement. Side note I have no issues with baldness, or beards, or age, just OWN IT dudes! Good lord I tell people I’m 54 just so they can look at me in shook and proclaim “You Look Terrific!!”

Just this morning I received an email from a 46 year old who was 60% bald with a salt and peppered beard who in ALL CAPS not only stated that he looked a decade younger than his actual age, but he went further and bragged about his “baby face”. First, no 46 year old man should ever favorably compare any part of his being to that of a baby and guess what 46 year old – YOU LOOK FORTY SIX (actually if he said he was 53 I would have believed that). It must be amazing to have the blinding confidence that a man possesses, no wonder they make war so often, they must truly believe they are all super-beings.

Cause I know you love it – here’s an excerpt from an actual email I received yesterday:
You are very pretty, do you want to get a druink? I am 5,10 and 160 pounds.I came to New York on October 2005.I like Tropicana Orange Juice.I do my laundry in my days off.I like Google and Wikipedia a lot.I can make your computer run faster.I am a pedicab driver. I work 3-4 days a week. I work near Central Park. In less than half an hour, you can notice that I am f.r.i.e.n.d.l.y.

4% Less Gail, 100% Still Awesome

Since starting my thyroid meds two months ago I’ve dropped 4% of my body weight – what the what? It’s shocking and baffling and all kinds of crazy mind fuck nonsense. My blood work is fantastic, looks like the ol’ Hashimoto is in check – BONZAI - and my co-workers have confirmed that I haven’t morphed into some wackjob due to the side-effects of hopping up my thyroid on hormones. Or maybe they are just placating my crazy in hopes that I won’t go postal on their keisters.

So yeah, a few pounds down. People say I look differently, I guess I do, I have no concept of my body so I just say thank you. But inside my pea brain I believe they have read this blog and are just being polite/ supportive. This is where the mind fuck comes into play. 10 of my dearest buddies can all give me a thumbs up - “looking good” which I immediately discredit cause you know, they are my pals, but the spurned panhandler on the corner of Park and 60^th who murmured, “Fat Fuckin’ Bitch” – now THAT guy I believe is speaking the truth of all the peoples of the world. I gotta adjust my intake filter, I am giving way to much weight to the crazies.

However there is one exception to my rule of “don’t believe any complements from people who know you” and that is Long Term Booty Call (LTBC), he has a golden ticket to my happy head place. I won’t go into detail but suffice to say a very casual comment presented at a most opportune moment about my jiggly wobbly bits magically transformed me into a drop dead sex kitten (in my head). I think every chunkster should get herself/ himself a LTBC who nonchalantly drops very enthusiastic comments regarding his/her parts that maybe were the bottom of their “Things I Love About My Self” list. Cause I will tell you something peeps, just that one little comment roto rootered out all the self questioning brain crap and replaced it with a heap of - Oh Snap, I am One Hot Mamma Jamma!

Lastly I unfortunately have to report that with this 4% loss of body I will also be dropping 4% of my kick ass personality cause that’s how us skinny girls do. Besides turning vapid I am also honing my speaking without inflection skills (ala Paris Hilton, or all women under the age of 35 on The Hampton Jitney). Ok…..ummmmm…. yeah…sooooo….

Cakey Face

Tomorrow is one of my most favorite Christian holidays that this super Jew has adopted into her cannon of “I know this is really a Jesus thing, but gosh darn it I’m gonna secularize it cause it’s so darn yummy”. Yep palls, it is once again PANCAKE TUESDAY!

Just 2 short years ago I discovered this fantastic holiday while sitting woefully in my stark egg shell corner at Hydra. Listening to the drone of the worker bees dutifully spewing lies about the demise of the white collar workforce and the tanking financial markets all the while driving me coo coo bananas with their taboo work attire (again with the corduroys and flip flops?) and incontinence. Just the knowledge that this day existed, a day that celebrated the sweet cakey goodness of the most perfect food - is it cake, is it breakfast… who the F cares, pour more maple sugar on that Mo Fo, fry up a slab of salty pork and let’s get this pancake in my FACE! - brought a little shred of happiness into my otherwise tear drenched day. Of course good news/ bad news Pancake Day 2009 was also the day I was laid off from Hydra and so began a whole new life adventure.

I will always remember Pancake Day 2009 as one of those times in my life that I felt totally and completely out of control. I began my day the same as the previous 5 months yet by 4:10pm I was officially on the dole. I had no plan and no savings. My crap ass gig at Hydra was crap ass, but at least it was my crap ass gig.

So here’s to Pancake Day 2011, and to many more sweet and delicious surprises that my fates heftily lob into my life!

I Will Drape Myself In Denim

For those of you who have encouraged my letter writing campaign supporting my juicy bottom’s want for Curvy Id Levi’s - I am happy to report, Levi’s Makes Good!!! Now I will admit I’m not confident if ONE letter a campaign makes, but heck it must have been one kick ass letter because I received the following response yesterday:

Dear Gail,

Thanks so much for your email to our CEO, Mr. John Anderson, regarding the sizes available for Curve ID at our stores. He has forwarded your email to me and I have to apologize for the disappointing reception you received at the Lexington Avenue store.

Since we have recently launched this brand new line of women’s jeans, there is a very incomplete size range available. However, we are in the process of expanding the line in our stores.

I just spoke to one of the managers at the Lexington Avenue store, Andrew Lemin, and he was very sorry you had a negative experience on February 18^th. He says the store does carry some of the 33 size, which is considered a 16. They will be happy to measure you and then if the store has low inventory on some sizes, the online store at levi.com has a nice selection of 33 and 34 waist in different inseams and finishes.

Thanks again for letting us know about this and please feel free to contact me if I may assist you further.

Sincerely,Shawn

I don’t know who this Shawn is, but he/ she is OK in my book. Shout out to Shawn and to Levi’s for their direct and honest approach to my complaint/ concern and doing so in such a timely and friendly manner.