Under the Cone of Silence

I wish I could share with you all the co-op application/ house-buying insanity that has infiltrated my life however since I have about a half dozen agencies searching my background with a lice comb (NO co-op board I do not have lice or bed bugs or any parasites I’m just funny… ya see funny. But quiet and boring. Ok not funny at all and very unentertaining. Actually I never entertain; I mean who comes to Queens anyways. Well except for me and all of you board members cyber stalking me because Queens ROCKS! I love Queens.. oh PLEASE let me live here.…. Ughhhh). 

The home buying process has dampened my summertime fun jam but I know there will be another summer in 8 months and if all goes to plan I will be rocking (yet again, very quietly.. I don’t rock loudly or inconsiderately) my new apartment building’s swimming pool and BBQ deck like a regular property share holder.

Because of my crazy I have removed myself from the general populace for the past several months cause really – nobody wants any of this. However I did spend a few weekends out East at Chez Mom where we dined and drank copious amounts of wine (in a very demure Hampton setting – NOT that kind of Kardashian Hamptons, more like old lady  I volunteer at the community food pantry Hamptons – crap I am never passing this board application). Talking about wine, my sometimes squatter/ fun time pall Friday (ok co-op board.. I get it… never mind… just feed my application into the shredder) has not only secured a full time gig but also got himself a swank SoHo apartment (MOTHER F-er!) after only 2 days of house hunting – I think I used that MOTHER F-er! too early in the sentence, it would have worked better here - and as par for the course he is already pulling away. Well it was a nice 11 months and thank you for NOT breaking up with me in August cause ya know… that’s what guys I date do (did).

Hopefully my next update will not include a tale about how on October 31st I moved my belongings into storage after losing my huge rent controlled apartment and was living a very cozy life in a furnished room with 4 female FIT undergrads in Crown Heights.

In closing please see all these happy rainbows because if you accept me as your neighbor and fellow share holder I will fart sunshine. 

So ya know how like when you skip lunch then you get so hungry that you want to eat your face so you blow up GrubHub ordering a poo-poo platter of nine separate delivery options then gorge for 6 minutes until you realize that you should have JUST eaten lunch and avoided this overload of emptiness , well that’s how I feel about not blogging since February.

I have a billion things I want to share with you about my break from internet dating, my hunt to buy an apartment, my  (x) co-worker putting a hit out on my ass, and my surprise super nice guy ‘thing’ that grew out of that Autumnal drunken hook up, but unfortunately it’s all so overwhelming and I’ll never get through it all sooooo… let’s just do bullet points.

• Red told me to STOP internet dating – so I did. Boom. Red like Swason is always right, do not ignore their advice.
• Faced with my imminent doom of dying alone and broke without savings or family my Mother offered financial help towards an apartment purchase. It was either that or have me sob inessentially on her foyer rug as I downward spiraled into a black funk bucket of realities that I did not want to face. Even though it was a cold harsh winter my mother realized that she would need to exit the house at some point and my limp sobbing body curled up in fetal position on her threshold would really harsh her lifestyle.  HOUSE HUNT ON!
• Mafia Wife Co-Worker’s crazy ratio hit 100 parts per 100 and was fired, wait there’s more – somehow I am a liar and a fraud (yep fraud) so I must pay for her dismissal. Google search term “Harassment”.
• Friday, my drunken one nighter has become my drunken 220 nighter. It’s fun and easy, the communication is open, we eat and drink yummy things, and we laugh. Now if I can make it through August without him dumping my ass I will break the curse that has hounded me the past TWO Augusts. I do have my doubts that I will make it to Labor Day with Friday still listed as a “favorite” in my contacts only for the fact that he JUST began his full time gig last week and ya know how the guys get with me – once they get that job – they are OUT!

Now that we are all caught up you can look forward to posts about bathroom tile, random financially motivated anxiety attacks, paint colors and cheese. In a perfect world there is always cheese. 

Close it Down!

Yesterday my 6 month paid membership to Match.com expired leaving me with $150 less in my bank account, 117 unanswered emails and the memories of a single awesome date that begun with my suitor jamming two fingers up into my hooch because 1 – YOU ARE WEARING A SKIRT, you obviously WANT to be publicly digitally stimulated (language edited for blog censors) and 2 – “That’s just the way I am, I’m spontaneous and ALL you women in New York City are crazy, irrational, uptight, and hate sex. If you ALL didn’t have these crazy ass rules that no man could ever understand (like NOT allowing a stranger’s hand in my lady parts) you ALL wouldn’t be so  angry and single.” 
WOW I got all that truth dumped on me even before he bought me a glass of wine! Really dude, pace yourself. Maybe us ladeez wouldn’t be all bitches if you sauced us up first, rookie move. Well that’s what I get for accepting a date from a 44 year old recently divorced finance guy.

To punctuate this auspicious day my personal virtual cupid dumped these final electronic flirtations into my now defunct Match.com inbox.

1 - how are you?? Would you like to talk or text or chat or whatever you would like to call it?

2 – Hi GorgeousI am Daniel from new york city feel free to email me and chat with me. I'm at my contact id *dsteven875* on im .....i noticed that online marriages are turning out to be successful and so i decided to give it a trial.., l need someone who will cherish me and be willing to share joys and sorrows. Someone who's willing to spoil, pamper and love me unconditionally,all l need here is honest woman who s gonna love and cares for me with all her heart......my yahoo dsteven875 @yahoo.com

3 - Hi Gorgeous,. How was your day at work ? , i saw your profile here I love to talk, listen , laugh, play around, joke, and to always have a good time... I'm a decent and loves to meet new people, and laugh, i dont care about the distance or races...... send me your email address or your mobile line so we can talk better

So much to comment on here but the BIG IDEA, as they call it in lesson planning, the main take a way, is I’m gorgeous. No really I am, or at the very least strikingly photogenic in my bathroom selfies. Thanks Match.com for never failing to lower my expectations of the metro area’s male dating population.

HAPPY VALENTIN’S DAY
XOX

Your drop dead gorgeous G