Thursday, December 24, 2009

Baking (part 2) – In search of Cinnamon

First Location, Corner Bodega
Upon entering my neighborhood bodega I quickly made a bee line towards the rear of the one set of high shelves that held the overflowing stock of adobo meat tenderizers. I was immediately overwhelmed at the number and variety of items, I never knew that the Woodside community had such a need for softening meat and poultry products, but I digress. I read every label at least twice but I could not locate the cinnamon. At this point I realized I was alone in the bodega, not even the clerk was in attendance. I yelled out, “HELLO? HELLO?” Then out from the darkened doorway immediately to my left appeared a man with his pants completely spread open with his belt dangling limply at his sides. “Yes?”, “Ummm (eyes diverted) do you have cinnamon?”, “No. No cinnamon” and with that he turned on his heels and returned through the darkened doorway. I left the bodega feeling like my gingerbread would always be tainted by this very dirty situation.

Second Location, Asian Grocery Market




The smell of fish was blinding, the crowd of intent shoppers was abrasive, and besides not being able to decipher the grocery labels the items themselves were unrecognizable. I found some small jars that appeared to be spices but I was totally out of my league. I asked one of the 8 cashiers if they stocked cinnamon and without a glance up from her register she grunted loudly and pointed in the direction of the spice rack that had so mystified me. I returned to the area and called back to the cashier, “HERE? Over HERE? The cinnamon is here?” She quickly lost patience with my unfocused Afikoman hunting skills and began shouting at a 4 foot tall man who was about 123 years old. He looked at the cashier, then at me, then at her again as she kept shouting and pointing. He shuffled over in his house slippers squeezed past me to the end of the row and held out a paper bag of cinnamon sticks. I smiled and shook my head while delivering a silent look that conveyed this sentiment - yeah thanks for the trouble but I need the Caucasian prepackaged ground stuff with a plastic shaker cap.

Third Location, Mexican Fruit Stand
Ah big, airy, clean and empty. I casually sauntered ‘round the indoor fruit and veggie stand thinking about all the tasty treats people who cook could make, all the while searching for the very recognizable spice jars (bottles? containers?). After completing my tour I approached the cheery cashier and inquired about the cinnamon. Pleasantly she smiled and with an outstretched arm pointed towards a peg board covered with small plastic bags. I smiled back and repeated, “No, cinnamon.” She repeated, “Cinnamon” and pointed at the peg board. With trepidation I approached the dangling clear plastic bags and within just a few seconds I discovered to my surprise a red and green package with a palm tree labeled “Canela Molida - Ground Cinnamon”. Gracias Mammi!

Baking (Part 1) – How hard could this be?

After viewing these adorable gingerbread houses on a blog I frequent I got a bee in my bonnet - I wanted these mug hugging gingerbread houses! I asked T-Bone, Bookie, and The Kid if they baked and I got No’s all around. I then reached out to my Facebook community and just like my cry for help with the AC removal; I was greeted with utter silence. So not to be thwarted by others’ lack of culinary competence last Friday afternoon I scoured the web for baking suppliers, placed a Fresh Direct order (turns out the only ingredient I owned was flour) and cleared my weekend schedule for bakefest 2009.

With warnings of a major blizzard blaring from Weekend Today’s weather center I was up and out early Saturday morning on the hunt for all my baking supplies (cutter, rolling pin, parchment paper, sifter, etc……). Lucky for me I have a custom bakery supply shop just 8 blocks down from my apartment, really? Yes really. After a quick walk down Queens Blvd. under the ominous gray sky then up again to the 99 cent shop my list of needs was fulfilled and I was home and cozy by 11am.

If there are two things I have learned from my Mom is ONE - you can never set your table too early (in the Lewis household that window is 24-36 hours in advance of the first dinner guest) and TWO – when cooking anything you should set up everything you may need during the process (utensils, ingredients, bowls, etc…) at least 2 – 3 hours prior to the cooking event. Thanks to my inherited (learned?) obsessive cooking regimen I quickly discovered that I DID NOT own cinnamon, a major ingredient in my gingerbread recipe. So on with the coat, back out into the storm in search of the Queens spice trade.

Happy Holidays

Holiday are happy and since I am known for my sugary gooberness I embrace this time of year with the exuberance it so deserves. However what usually compels me into total BahHum Bugness is the forced participation (actually in my case the forced planning and hosting) of the mandatory office Christmas Party (let’s not fool anybody, it is NEVER a HOLIDAY party, it is a CHRISTMAS party). I despise the office Christmas party, the Secret Santa, the obligatory socializing with people whom I only tolerate 40+ hours a week because my checking account smiles every Thursday and the fact that most of the people who attend the office party sulk around griping about the lame assness of the music, the lack of alcoholic beverages or the lack of THEIR favorite alcoholic beverage – which of course is also the BEST beverage, or a multitude of other issues that they deem worthy of an “eye roll” and a loud lengthy “ughhhhhhh...sighhh”. But this year as you all may know my job ROCKS it! Yep this is the first year since 1994 that I have been totally jazzed to spend the holiday season with my office mates who are the perfect combo of holiday spirit and apathy.

We began our office holiday festivities on the day of the Rock Center Tree lighting by dimming our overhead lights, blasting “Oh Tannenbaum” while T-Bone threw the switches on our desk top neon Xmas trees – after that we were in full holiday mode (silently of course, we do have to side with decorum).

Monday, November 16, 2009

A Roller Coaster of a Weekend

I went into this past weekend with some trepidation however in the light of a sunny Monday morning I think the whole crazy ride ended up rather super.

Things learned on Friday

  • The general public SUCKS at karaoke.
  • Screaming, laughing, and talking to your friends on a mic is NOT karaoke
  • The karaoke menu should NOT include any songs by the Jonas Brothers NOR should a karaoke bar have any patrons who choose to sing (?) the Jonas Brothers.
  • Mailroom guys do not understand that “Shout’ is the TITLE of a Tears for Fears song, not the style in which it is to be performed.
  • When somebody says, “Hey you didn’t sign the going away card” and you respond, “I don’t work with you”, then they retort, “But you’re our concierge!?”, is it rude to remind them that you were laid off in Jan. of 2003? I hope they haven’t been waiting all this time for their tickets to “The Producers”.

Things learned on Saturday

  • Even in a recession people will venture out in a Nor’ Eastern to wait online at Marshall’s for over an hour with screaming children (I was just making a return).
  • Microwave popcorn and two frozen waffles is dinner.
  • When spooning do not utter THIS sentence into your ‘spoon partner’s’ ear, “We really shouldn’t have done that” – even if said statement is true. There is a time and a place for an attack of conscience, like on your own time in your own place. Or as Peggy Olson would say, “Quit barging in here and infecting me with your anxiety.”

Things learned on Sunday

  • Skipping breakfast and lunch and going straight to pints of Guinness makes a Sunday afternoon breeze easily into a Sunday evening.
  • People who sing – should.
  • Tubas make everything funny.
  • Drunken bras shopping may be my new Sunday indulgence.
  • Being overly flirty with the male cashier will score you a 20% “Friends and Family Coupon” – or maybe it was because I let him man handle my newly purchased lacy incidentals. Either way I tell you who didn’t get the coupon, the 2 nosey Orthodox Jewesses next to me.
  • Swason will always tell the truth (that’s not a new thing I learned, it was just reinforced)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Done and Done!

After one month on the free dating site, OKCupid, I have collected no less than 15 offers of various forms of intimate encounters with boys under the age of 24, about 8 of the same invitation from the thirty something set, and let’s not forget the 55+ troop pulling up the rear (excuse the term) coming in a close second with 6 offers. Wow Cupid, really…really? However I did receive one email response from a seemingly clever guy who was so witty and clever with his electronic communications that I agreed to meet him for a drink.

Enjoy the following story for it will be the LAST of my internet dating saga:

About 2 weeks ago after receiving a very humorous response to my OKCupid posting I willingly handed over my gtalk info (for those of you who were lost at ‘posting’ just ask somebody under the age of 35 to explain). For the next few days I was bombarded with inane IM’s, the more he typed the less I was intrigued. I warned him of his quick descent into the ‘uggghhh not this guy pile’ but he took no heed. After a few days of random banter he asked to meet for dinner, I countered with ‘drinks’, he agreed to my counter offer but added the caveat of a Saturday night date. Who makes a first BLIND date for a Saturday night? Not only did he insist on a Saturday night but it was Halloween and he wanted me to travel to Brooklyn – from Queens! That is just crazy man talk. I ended up canceling on him 3 days before the appointed date (thanks Rubin for the cover) and he went into a tail spin – FREAK SHOW. Unfortunately after his meltdown I knew the only way to shake this zealous G Fan was to actually commit to a face to face. Don’t get me wrong, I love being the target of undying infatuation but not from complete strangers – that’s just intrusively obsessive and icky.

For the ‘make up date’ he again demanded that we meet on a Saturday night but at least I was able to negotiate down to a Manhattan location, thank goodness. I arrived at the bar seconds after our appointed time and there he was all a flutter with nervous excitement standing awaiting my entrance. As I approached him it was hard to get a lock down on my man scanner since the entire establishment was sparsely lit by only 5 strategically placed votives. However as I grew closer and his shadowy figure began to appear through the dark amber glow I could plainly see that he was sporting a BLACK KNEE LENGTH LEATHER BLAZER. Time out, date over.

I don’t really think I even need to describe the remaining 2 hours (yes I was basically kidnapped) of this date; just the fact that he was wearing a leather coat that was purchased in 1983 when he was at least 45 pounds slimmer is enough to set the tone. You want more? Sure how about his buttons holding on for dear life as his shirt strained and gapped around his girth, or the gushing perspiration and the long stringy hair? Or the combined action of swiping the flowing streams of sweat off his forehead while fingering it through his hair as if he was applying ‘product’. Yes friends this was my LAST internet date. The humor is over, I was a good sport, I stayed positive, I fought the good fight but I just can’t submit to this humiliation anymore. DONE!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Refocused Energy

With the weight of the responsibly to my online paid dating subscriptions removed I found myself overflowing with creative juices. Instead of filling my time futilely searching for a date I have been utilizing my newly discovered freedom to rebuild a relationship that I had left to dwindle; the relationship between me and my one bedroom rent stabilized 1929 fourth floor walk up.

Next month marks our 11th anniversary however the blush has faded from the bloom. We’ve been through a lot together, parties, break ins, trysts, and vermin infestation but through it all my rent has only increased 3% each year so it is hard to say adieu to such a bargain. However as I have grown and improved with age (turning 39 in a month – yikes!) my humble abode has been crumbling beneath me. My kitchen, always the bane of my existence, running a close second to my bathroom, has borne the brunt of my absenteeism. The combined issues of my lack of culinary skills and the fact that the darken interiors of some of my cabinets frighten me so that I have never opened them has kept me removed from tackling this epic eyesore.

Last week however armed with a steadfast passion to reignite my habitat lustfest I hit the The Container Store, The Home Depot, Marshalls, TJMaxx, Target, and JC Penny. Oh sweet home improvement tasks I have missed you so. The living room scored with a new rug, seat cushions, drapes and curtain rod. I even replaced the poorly worn pull cords on my sea grass roller shade, framed several of my photographs, and set some useless furniture pieces into the stairwell for “adoption”. The hallway and bedroom received new art as well, while the bathroom got a spa like makeover. White rugs and shower curtains with white wooden louvered blinds, ahhhh. But the true fruit of my week’s worth of hard labor can be found in my homey retro kitchen. Love has blossomed again, now all I need is somebody to whip up a stack of fluffy blueberry pancakes and my fantasy will be complete.

As a side dish to my ‘nesting’ achievements I have also scored a full week’s worth of testosterone infused entertainment. Once I allowed my subscriptions to slink off into the ether my calendar quickly filled with lunch, dinner, and ‘other’ social engagements. True these are not ‘dates’ for this troop of men consists of old friends who are neither straight nor single however, even though they are not “mine” it’s still a nice way to spend a week.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

3rd Time’s a Charm

It’s mid October which means that we have arrived at the conclusion of my 3 month subscriptions to Match.com and Eharmony. Must say that I am actually relieved to be released from my interweb dating servitude since my diligent efforts yielded no fruit. Here is the breakdown of my 3 month stint of actively engaging the every so degrading, wallet draining, passtime of “Let’s find G a date on the internet!”

Match.com
Searched 500+ postings
Sent aprox 85 emails with a response rate of 0%
Received about 15 unsolicited illiterate emails
Received ONE literate email - went on one date – bought my own drink (nuff said).

Eharmony
Received aprox 112 “perfect” matches
Received NO requests from men to communicate – yes that’s right 100% of the men on Eharmony who were matched with me chose to ‘close’ my account. Oh I forgot there was ONE guy who was a childhood friend from my home town who thought it was funny that we got matched - he contacted me.
Sent aprox 45 requests to communicate
Received 4 responses to my requests for communication – went on one date with one guy – he fell asleep on the bar then tried TWICE to make out with me.

After this 3 month jaunt I’m out about $200 and my ego has been ground into a bloody pulp but I must carry on my quest for a date. I specifically state DATE cause that’s all I want. I am not looking for a husband or a baby daddy– all I want to do is date a guy, I’m thinking – that should be rather easy. I am confident that there are guys who currently live in NYC between the ages of 32 and 45 who would like to DATE – right?

So I’m keeping the hope alive and on the advice of an old dear friend I have once again JOINED a new (to me) dating site, “OK Cupid”. Pros – it’s free, Cons it appears to be saturated by hipster dufus dudes who even though are in their 40’s love to rock a trend like a 23 year old Lower East Side trust fund baby . Neck tattoos, facial piercings, skinny jeans, graphic T’s and ‘ironic’ eye wear seem to be the go to steeze on this site. I feel that I may not be cool enough nor have enough angst to succeed on this website – but I’ll try. Stay tuned!