I’m Flippin’ for Pancake Day!

First off shame on all you Brits, Aussies, and other self proclaimed Anglophiles for not telling me about Pancake Day (aka Pancake Tuesday, aka Shrove Tuesday). Yes friends it is true, you heard correctly, there is a holiday solely reserved for the celebration of Pancakes and it is on Feb. 24th. Well it’s not really a holiday to celebrate pancakes, that’s like saying Christmas is a holiday to celebrate giving gifts (that is ridiculous). Pancake Tuesday is a holiday that is marked by the traditional making, flipping, eating, and racing with pancakes in commemoration of the day before Ash Wednesday (the beginning of Lent).

From my research I have discovered that Pancake Day was very popular before the American Revolution when all things Anglo were the craze here in the colonies. However with the influx of French Catholic Immigrants (damn you immigrants and your Louisiana Purchase) the poor pancake was replaced by Mardi Gras. Crazy cause who would ever choose tits over a sweet griddle cake? The French, that’s who oh and those Latins with their Carnival. Prancing around in their sparkly body pant, feathers and pasties, freakin’ pancake haters.

As a Jew I tend not to participate in holly days that are sanctioned by The C of E however I have adopted such secularized Christian traditions as Halloween, St. Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day – so I think Adoni would be Ok if I was to add Pancake Tuesday into the mix. Good Lord is it a sin to like a pancake? And by actively celebrating this holiday I think I’ll gain points with my Christian fiancé, Galleta, who believes that for us to enter a blessed union I need to accept Jesus into my heart (I’m really hoping that he’s going to grow out of this whole Catholic thing by the time he’s 30)

If you find yourself as JAZZED as I regarding this newly discovered holiday here are a few suggestions to get into the spirit:
Enjoy a FREE Pancake – In celebration of Pancake Tuesday IHOP is offering a free short stack of griddle cakes all day on Feb. 24th. http://www.ihoppancakeday.com/

Make a Pancake - The traditional pancake is slightly thicker than a French crêpe. It is served immediately after preparation with a sprinkling of caster sugar and a dash of fresh lemon juice or with syrup.

Race with a Pancake - Participants race on a predetermined course while flipping their pancakes in a supplied regulation skillet.

Tell your future in a Pancake- Bake household items into your pancakes and serve them to family members. Rings, thimbles, thread, coins, and other objects all have meanings associated with them. The lucky one to find coins in their pancake will be rich, the finder of the ring will be the first married, and the finder of the thimble will be a seamstress or tailor.

Be a Pancake Gangster – In Brittan school children in disguise break into homes and demand pancakes. They can also be found fighting for pancakes for monetary rewards and throwing old crockery at peoples' doors while asking for pancakes to be tossed back in return.

The Digital Revolution

Many of you fancy pants people out there, all with your highfalutin AV systems and whatnots may be asking yourselves, ”Why is the government extending the mandatory television signal conversion from analog to digital? What’s the hold up?” Read on dear friends for here is a tale of one rabbit eared television viewer who has been foiled by red tape and incompetence.

The second week of January I logged onto the US government sponsored digital conversion website in hopes of ordering my $40 coupons so I could purchase two digital signal converters for a discount. True I began the process a tad late I do confess, however I watch TV on an aerial antenna doesn’t that say enough about my need for progress? Anyways within 10 minutes of clicking, “Submit Request” a press release hit the waves announcing that the government had run out of funds and would not be issuing any additional coupons…CRAP! But being the eternal optimist I crossed my fingers and waited in hopes that I would receive MY coupons. I remained patient and with each passing day my psyche crept closer to the stinging realization that I would have to bite the bullet and pay full price for my two converters (two- because besides my 18” Panasonic I also have a 10” circa 1981 Zenith). But then alakazam… last week the government announced that millions of TV viewers had not heeded the 18 months of warnings and (like me) did not have converters yet. And yet once again it is proven that passivity breeds solutions. But wait not only did the government extend the conversion deadline but my coupons arrived on the same day, kismet. I hopped onto my computer immediately to research the best digital converter only to discover that the BEST converter had been sold out for months. It’s like a freakin’ rollercoaster. The second best converter was available though and it was exactly $40 (plus tax & shipping).

I went to the DishNetwork site to order the buggers only to discover that they offered a $40 and $60 version. Hmmm what could an extra $20 get me I wondered? I looked at the comparison chart and everything was the same, intriguing. I then cross referenced the information on Cnet and guess what; they are the same unit only with different names. Oh so crafty DishNetwork but you didn’t fool me! I completed the online order form along with my coupon codes but when I clicked “Place Order” I was instructed in large red letters to call customer service because they couldn’t accept my order online. So onto the phone, on hold, then an operator, then on hold again, then disconnected after 15 minutes. No worries they can’t get rid of me that easily. I redialed and sat on hold again for 22 minutes until I was finally informed that because I had been a DTV customer in 2001 they had to create a ‘dummy’ account so I could receive the 2 converters. Ok fine. Wow this process is so easy; it only took over an hour to order my two boxes. I have no clue why so many million elderly, non English speakers, and mentally challenged television viewers have not completed the conversion process? But wait that is not the end of the story for the following day I spent another 35 minutes on the phone with Munwar when I discovered that they charged my credit card (tax and shipping) for FOUR BOXES – strange considering that the coupons can only be used once, or so they say.

I’m Feeling It

Now with this my 3rd blog of the week I think I am back on track. Sorry fans for the mid winter slack off, I don’t know what I was thinking, or not thinking of.

Hold it!
My commute was freakin poppin this morning!! There is nothing like the high of good mass transit voodoo. This morning as I approached my bus stop I could see the Q32 barreling down Roosevelt Ave. but I was tragically trapped on the opposite side of the street because of a poorly timed traffic light. Argrrrr! I was swaying on the sidewalk like a kid trying to “jump in” on a game of double dutch – attempting to gauge the speed of the two way traffic. Could I frogger it? Nope I could not and I watched dejectedly as the bus cruised past me. But fear not dear readers as the Q32 cleared the intersection it suddenly stopped. The bus driver had stopped the bus for ME and waited until I could dodge the gypsy cabs to ‘jay run’ across the middle of the block. I love you bus driver. My commute continued to grant me great joy when, at my subway transfer, my train was patiently sitting in the station awaiting my arrival. I have the touch.

Don’t believe the hype
I learned a very hard lesson this week that I really should not listen to people when they tell me that I’m funny. Forever people have been telling me to do Stand Up but I have such self doubt I could NEVER do it. I mean I can ‘hold court’ at a social gathering spitting out stories with bravado and total control but to do that in front of people who are expecting to be entertained…. Not so much. To that end this week I flew a bit too close to the sun and found that my wax wings were not able to support all the accolades I’ve been receiving as of late. While out for drinks with Scooter and his pall The Trojan our conversation turned to focus on my blog and my entertaining tendencies. Scooter proceeded to sing my praises in such an enthusiastic manner that he even convinced me that I was amazing. Of course this quickly turned into The Trojan demanding, “Ok Monkey – impress me with your so called humor. NOW!” Wow what a hot box of mess. I had nothing to say. I mean I tried but nothing came…nothing. I was the most uninteresting boring woman ever to speak. My face was hot and red, my eyes started to well up; I can’t remember a time that I felt so deflated. I swear it took all I had not to run into the bathroom and sob in the stall. WTF??!! So basically the last nail was plowed into the coffin on that little fantasy. Now I’m just gonna stick to hiding behind the heavy curtain of anonymity that my blog provides and telling stories only to my small circle of non-demanding palls….thank you.

More Humor – Less Love

The Match.com winterfest 09 is into day four and true to form I’m looking at 40 bucks worth of soul crushing comedic material instead of a pocket full of inspiring buds of young love. Still forever optimistic I am certain that within the next 26 days I will DATE… no seriously I will. I am totally “secreting” it.

Throughout this process of on-line dating I am constantly intrigued and amazed by the level of confidence that many men instinctively possess even though their existence balances along the razor’s edge between retarded and pathetic. Damn if I had ¼ of the confidence that these toothless illiterate slobs enjoy I would be unstoppable. Case in point: In my posting it is rather apparent that I’m intelligent, cultured, employed, and dare I say it, sweet on the eyes. Now after reading my brief witty posting and perusing my photos here are the only responses I have received from men who thought, “Hmmm I am SO right for this chick…I really must email her”.

• I am looking to get married again. I want someone to just be a doll. Someone that knows how to take care of a man without any confrontations


• I'M A NYC UNION IRON WORKER. SOMETIMES IT CAN SUCK BECAUSE IT IS EXTREMELY HARD AND DANGEROUS BUT THE $ IS GREAT AND I'M EXTREMELY PROUD TO BE A CARDHOLDING MEMBER OF MY UNION.


• i am very mature men open mind family men like some one for serouis relationship no play around have good heart happy and giving and motivated i like to treat my partner as gentle as lover as queen


• I am looking for a woman who is: smart likes to watch football believes that half a shirt is still a shirt thinks that a cute outfit can be more important than comfort (ie tight shoe game) doesn't hate on John Madden football believes that FAMU has the best marching band on the planet and ideally wants to spend time with me

I have ignored all of these missives however dear readers if you feel that I am being WAY TOO judgmental please let me know and I will swiftly hit the REPLY button to start the process with one (or more) of these gents. I may be single today but with your help I do not have to be single tomorrow!

Blog Blahhhhs

Maybe it’s the cold or maybe it’s because there is nothing I wanna write about but I have been so lazy with the blog lately. I do think about it daily hoping that SOMETHING…ANYTHING will happen that may be at least interesting if not humorous, but I got nothing. Work is still sucking my butt, alas not in a good way, however the Argonaut (aka Guy) is dutifully fulfilling his role as official cookie supplier. In addition just the mere fact that the Argonaut and I eat lunch together more often than not has really revved up the rumor mill here – and well that ‘s kinda fun. We play it up to entertain the masses but I think the fan base is starting to wane … we really must up our game. I suggested staging a fight in the kitchen while invoking the name of his live in girlfriend but that may cast me in a ‘psycho’ light and we don’t want that.

I have re-joined Match.com for the month of February (I do this about twice a year) hoping that the $40 membership fee will either translate into one free dinner and a glass of wine or at least some comedic fodder for the blog. So far I have searched about 200 profiles of men in the greater metropolitan area between the ages of 30 and 45 to find about 7 who didn’t leave me asking, “Really?” Here are a few observations I have made during my first 18 hours of on line dating:

The phrases “Laid Back” and “Easy Going” are pervasive throughout men’s profiles yet I do not know why anybody would consider these GOOD traits. I want a guy who is actively engaged, stimulated by curiosity, present and connected. Laid Back sounds …well uninterested.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with web cams shirtless.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with web cams shirtless while holding dogs.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with web cams shirtless while looking at the
computer screen instead of the camera lens.

Dudes take a lot of pics of themselves with camera phones while looking into a mirror shirtless.

Many men write as if they are addressing other MEN. Here are some opening lines, “Ok guys…” , “I hope you guys…”, “Forgive me guys for writing this.…” huh? Then they list all the sports teams they like and don’t like followed by all types of historic baseball and football scores and stats, blah blah blah…. I get it that guys like sports but I’m thinking that if you are trying to catch a CHICK this may NOT be the ONLY thing you chose to write about.

GUYS LIKE TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS.

or theyliketo writeinalllowercase withoutspacing

Send in the Marines!

This Friday I’m taking advantage of my gratis personal day (awarded by Hydra in exchange for a holiday party) to join Mom in Montauk for a day of soothing spa treatments at Gurney’s Inn. I have signed up for the Marine Cure which I am hoping will include some hunky men in uniform assertively manipulating my body while slathering me in enriching oils. Well it is the MARINE cure….right? Most likely however I will get a middle aged Eastern European woman with sausage fingers and a penchant for the sadistic. Ehhh either way I am sure to come out on the other side supple and properly serviced.

My first foray into spa culture was several years ago in preparation for Scooters wedding. As a member of the groom’s party I was to wear a dress that showed more skin than I was commonly used to so to do the best with what I had I decided to get a full body scrub and herbal wrap. Yep… I was a bit freaked out about the whole thing. Like what do I do, what do I say, what do I wear, what don’t I wear, how do I prep…do I even prep? What are the protocols for such things? To quell my worries I went directly to my source of all things girly, Lulu. Lulu filled me in on the process, what would be expected from me (nothing), what to remove (everything) and what to put on (a supplied paper cocktail napkin held in place by 2 lengths of dental floss). Ahhh such a relief, I guess. Now all I needed to do was psyche myself into getting naked in front of a stranger and not be a total neurotic mess.

The day came and….yep total neurotic mess. I thought if I just ran my mouth through the whole 90 min. treatment then maybe it would seem totally natural to have this young fresh faced 20 something gently caressing and oiling up all my nooks and crannies….yeah that worked well. I think she was more uncomfortable than me. I know this from the nervous laughter and the comment, “Ummm usually people don’t talk so much when they are here”.

My jabbering did cease and rather abruptly when while positioned on my back being exfoliated by natural sea salts and other grit like materials my “girl” asked, “Do you want me to do your chest?” And as I laid there in the warm darkness with the sounds of Aboriginal rain stick gently tinkling through my ears and the smell of jasmine dancing in my nose I thought, “Does she mean my CHEST….or my Breasts?” But after just a brief moment of internal reflection I realized “Yes” would be the only answer to give cause really, either way, that’s a win win. So “Yes” it was, and for the remainder of the 90 minutes not a word was spoken. Oh and my breasts looked fantastic!

Ring – A – Ding – Ding

The drones at Hydra have discovered a way to drive me insane. I do have to hand it to them though; I truly did not think they had the focus, humor, or level of secrecy to pull it off.

We have a doorbell outside the office door with signage that reads, “Do not ring bell” which is due to the fact that the door is always unlocked. A few weeks ago the old piece of label maker tape finally fell off the bell so I replaced it. And replaced it, and replaced it and replaced it. Every day for 3 days in a row shortly after posting my signage and returning to my little corner….!!!!DING!!!! The sound would echo through the office and at once I knew my little white label had gone missing once more. I assumed it was the poor quality adhesive found on my no name brand label so the next day I used funtac and to my surprise within a few hours the label was gone but the funtac remained….hmmmmm??? Next came the glue stick….!!!DING!!!. Then Elmer’s’ glue and a paper sign….!!!DING!!!. Yesterday I had enough of the shenanigans and I printed a sign that covered the entire bell and cover plate that read, “DO NOT RING BELL Please do not remove this sign” and I affixed it with double stick tape. Ahhhhhh at last a day of no bells.

This morning when I arrived at 8:25 AM my sign still hung prominently and proudly next to the office door thwarting all hands itching to get their digits on the button. I was beaming with pride that I had finally conquered the sign thief with a combination of wordage and adhesives…..!!!DING!!! WTF!!??? Are you kidding me? At 9:55 am the dreaded sound returned. I flew to the door only to find the bell coldly exposed with a goopy outline of double stick tape around the edges of the stainless steel plate.

I confronted the drones but none of them fessesed up to the evil plot against my sanity. I have checked the trashcans in both the office and the bathrooms and there is no record of my signs, this is truly a mastermind who is not only stealing my signs but collecting them. I have some prime suspects, mostly the slumber party yahoo sisters, but as one employee pointed out, “Nah they are too lazy to do anything. I mean they would think about doing it, and talk about doing it, but to actually get up and do it, they would lose interest”. After listening to this reasoning I was convinced that I had focused my attention on the wrong party.

The investigation will continue this afternoon as I cross check personality profiles with the attendance log to ascertain who arrived between 8:25 and 9:55. In addition I am devising a trap that will include glitter, double stick tape, and an old manila folder. I can not divulge anymore information for fear that I may compromise my plan.